wondering if I expect too much?

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wondering if I expect too much?

Post by ElizaJane »

I recently had fertility treatment which didn't work. I found out on Thursday that I am not pregnant. I only told a couple of people about this because I didn't want people continually asking me how it was going. One friend, who did the same treatment and is already pregnant, and who came with me for the transfer. And one friend who lives in another country.

I feel now that my pregnant friend is kind of avoiding me. She was sympathetic on Thursday and sent me nice messages, etc. We had plans to meet on Friday anyway but with someone else who knows nothing so we were not able to talk about it. Since then I've heard nothing from her. I received an email from the doctor on Friday who doesn't understand why the treatment didn't work and wants to do more tests, including an endometrial biopsy. This really freaked me out because both my parents died of cancer and I was diagnosed with it a few years ago. It was a false positive but I went through a horrible time because of it.

Needless to say, I felt really shitty on Friday but couldn't say anything about it as this other person was there.
I just don't understand why she hasn't sent a message to ask how I am, ask what the doctor said, etc. I've started my period now and it's horrendous and I had to cancel my plans today as I am doubled up in pain. I just feel like she's avoiding me because she feels guilty that her treatment worked and she's also moving in a week so I know she probably has better things to do than worry about me.

And then the other friend who I told on Thursday just sent me a message saying I'm sorry and I've not heard anything since.

Feeling really abandoned right now, but also pathetic for not just getting on with things myself. I would have thought in a similar situation that I would have been more supportive but maybe I'm overestimating myself and maybe it's normal not to ask someone how they're doing once you've told them the initial I'm sorry. I know I could just ask her if she's avoiding me but I don't want to make her feel bad when she's having a high-risk pregnancy and just about to move. I feel like I just expect too much from people and always end up disappointed, and don't really know how to change that.
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Re: wondering if I expect too much?

Post by reckoner »

I'm really sorry the fertility treatment hasn't worked this time. I think it sounds like good news that the doctor wants to do more tests - I would take this to mean that a) you are in good health with good reason to have hope and b) you are close to finding out anything that is wrong that is not immediately apparent.

It must, of course, be crushing to find out that you are not pregnant this time but it's really important to try to keep your mental state as stable as you can. This is by no means a scientific statement but I think it is fair to say that being in a state of stress will not help you get pregnant. Please try to hang in there, keep hope, but also have patience.

So it's clear you need support and also understandable that you feel abandoned, as you've described. But I doubt this is what your friends intended at all. Sometimes people just don't know what to say - how to make you feel better, or worrying if they'll make you feel worse. Only someone who has experienced what you're going through can really understand what you're feeling so your friend living abroad may simply not understand the significance to you of this negative result.

I think your pregnant friend is probably distracted by what she is experiencing herself. If she is having a high-risk pregnancy, she will suddenly have found herself in a world of tests and monitoring, considering all sorts of risks and negative outcomes - a matter literally of life and death. The fantasy of being pregnant is experiencing the miracle of life and feeling a little person growing inside you, but the reality can feel more like being a farm animal subjected to testing, measuring and monitoring and feeling very worried about how precarious and fragile everything feels - all the things that could go wrong. Not to mention the standard tiredness, morning sickness etc.

I'm sure she feels really bad for you, but as well as feeling distracted by her own situation, she might also feel quite awkward talking to you about her pregnancy while you're experiencing your own distress about not being pregnant. You say she is moving house too - as you say, she has a lot on her plate. I doubt she has much spare energy so perhaps you can be the one to reach out first to see how she is feeling and how the move is going.

How is your partner handling your situation? Have you been able to talk to him about how you're feeling? This is a situation you are sharing together and my hope is that you are able to share these feelings with him and he can help you through this process, being closer to what's going on than any of your friends. Is he supporting you well?
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