WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

For problems with parents, whatever your age...

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Postby dp101 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 2:21 pm

I have a relative he’s a good person. But when it comes to women he’s a positive sap. He spent the best part of this youth building a career. This meant that when it came to relationships he did not know who to choose. Like most successful men he went for the ‘trophy,’ Image.
Which suited him to a point. The first young lady was nice enough. But when it came to home and family all she wanted was his business connections. When he finally got wind was when his money virtually ran out and so did she.
The second, he’s treated nonchalantly, (think it was a defence mechanism on his part). He literally texted all his friends and relatives the following. “Been with the lady for a while now, lately we have got on really well – no arguments, so I’ve popped the question and she said yes!’
Of course, relatives immediately rallied “Don’t do it.,” “Don’t trust her,” etc. I heard it all even from his relatives that the consensus is he’s making a huge mistake. But apart from the initial reactions. No one tackled him directly. I decided to instead. I spoke to him. His reply was; -
“She’s promised to take care of me in my old age. She’ll be a good mother to our kids when we have them. She likes my mum and dad. We have lived together for other a year now. And of course, I love her!”
My reply was “well you’d better convince the family of that because, they were the ones who asked me to have a word. His parents, in particular, as they did not like the lady very much!
That’s when the tables were turned on me and everyone tried to say it was I who disapproved and was stirring up trouble. I wished them well and they got married.
That’s when the basis of my misgivings started. The bride’s parents approached the groom’s parents to finance the wedding. This did not go down well as the groom’s parents had not even paid for their own daughters weddings. All they did was to attend. So, when they paid for the son’s wedding the other members of the family kicked off.
The relative - once married moved from his home (which he could comfortably afford), to a new home in which he borrowed a substantial amount from his Parents savings to purchase. Again, the rest of the family kicked off, as his own parents never assisted any of the other children in purchasing their own homes.
Immediately they moved into the new premises with the mother-in- law moved in with them. The father-in-law visits occasionally as he works away from home. This the grooms relations thought was a bit much. I personally did mention to him at the time that he should spend the first two years on his own with his new wife before the relatives get involved. And only then if they are contributing to the household.
Apparently, he is now financing the wife, his new son (another one is one the way), and his mother in law all on his executive salary. The wife cannot work right now as she is pregnant again.
Where is the father-in-law? He works abroad. But from what I can see he does not finance his wife. As when the mother in law wishes to go home to her native country to visit her relatives she asks the Son-in-law for the money. She lives with them and has everything paid for her.
He came by the other day. The poor man looked exhausted. He has been forced to take on two jobs to keep the house going. My husband said he did not look well and was concerned. I mentioned this to his family and suggested that they get him to take a weekend away with the lads so that he can at least re-charge his batteries. We all say the same thing. He’s taken on the father-in-laws role in the house and no one is sticking up for him as he is outnumbered by all the females.
His best memories in his life was family holidays - Christmases in which they all got together. It was suggested that they all go to his, this year. Immediately the wife said no because it was too stressful and she is pregnant. Even though the family said they would take the strain of the day off her shoulders by bring food etc. It was cancelled. Apparently, they do not celebrate Christmas like his side of the family.
But they insisted that his parents went to theirs for Christmas. The mother and father-in-law in were there with his parents. They suggested that maybe if the groom’s elderly parents would agree they could move into their large home and helped them. The grooms Parents have a home as large as the one the youngest son has purchased. They also have five grown up successful children with families of their own.
Its obvious what the In-laws are attempting. The problem is none of the other relatives will speak directly to the son – do an intervention if you will. Once again, they are all execting me to approach the lad.
I don’t want to get involved purely because I do not want to be ‘got at,’ again. I like the lady, I don’t trust the In-laws and I am worried for their son. As he’s genuinely a nice guy. Hell, he’s even helped me in the past and I him. But this I feel not for me to resolve.
Quite simply I feel he’s taken on the role of the father-in-law rather than the son-in-law. Parents if they are not of pensionable age, or terminally ill, should in my book look after their own spouses and children and grandchildren. If the Son-in-law was short of funds and needed a boost and the Parents -In-Law wanted to live with them. Then they should have sold their own home abroad and helped the Son-In-Law purchase the ‘New,’ property. Not get the Son-In-Law Parents to do it.
The father-in-law, seems to be quite happy to have him the Son-In-Law bankroll his family and he enjoy whatever perks comes with the occasional visit to his wife and child/grandchildren. I have said that I thought the son-in-laws wife’s family should sell their home to help the Son-in-law pay his bills and repay his parents the monies borrowed as his parents in laws are living with him, not his parents. What they did was to make a move on getting more monies out of the Son-In-Law’s parents and the rest of the son in laws children are letting them. Because like me no one wants to interfere and get the blame for it.
Should I sit on the by-lines and watch this con job go on. Or should I intervene? I don’t want to lose the mans friendship.
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Postby David020549 » Mon Jan 08, 2018 8:02 pm

A very long post you are genuinely concerned but there is nothing you or anyone else can do, it is a case of marry in haste, repent at leisure.

Eventually the money will run out, they will divorce, she will get half the house, he will be saddled with maintenence for the kids, then he will start again older and wiser, it happens over and over again. All you can do is be a good friend, lots of sympathy but never say " I told you so", just be there for him.
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Postby dp101 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 10:25 am

Thanks for the advice. I wish it was that easy. But as I said there are his own parents involved in this. I can see a clear case of these people persuading them to part with their savings and re-mortgage their own property to facilitate this. Its a con job pure and simple. I have tried speaking to his parents. They are not too enthused about the couple either. They have tried speaking to him. So far the Daughter In Laws Family have taken over £36,000 off the husbands parents.

I am willing to stand back and let the young man sort out his maritial affairs. Even though he's now taken two jobs on to afford his 'new family.' But I draw the line at the daughter in laws Parents making a move on her husbands Parents to elicit more monies from them. The husbands parents have five children of their own. All are older than this young man. But none want to start the hurricane that will result from voicing this. We recently had a dinner with them and the young mans older sister came over from abroad she actually said to the mother in law when was she returning back to her own country? The room went quiet. And the Husbands Parents tried to smooth it over and ignore the comment. But it was a question on everyone's mind. More than this I gather the daughter in laws parents actually said that they would be willing to move into the husbands parents house and live with them, as they are elderly and maybe they could help them. The In-laws are not elderly they are about my age group which is over 50's.

If I do not say anything this may possibly happen given that they have already given the young man £36,000 towards the relationship. If I say something (which I feel I am obliged to), I will be targeted for once again being the dragon of the party. As I said I like the young girl. I just don't trust the Parents In Law and I think they are taking advantage. He's a relative and so is his parents. I have a strong sense of duty in protecting our own.
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Postby stephie2 » Tue Jan 09, 2018 3:26 pm

I think that it has to be the brothers and sisters that get involved as it would appear they are the ones to suffer if their parents get conned which is what her family appear to hope happen. The woman's family are having a right good old laugh and the bloke should be the one saying to his wife that he is not funding her parents. He married her not them! I think he needs to stand up for himself and cut their freeloading off!
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Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Postby David020549 » Wed Jan 10, 2018 8:01 am

Two things come up in your second post, parents are elderly and the offer has been made for in laws to move together.

It seems that the wife's parents are manipulators, and dangerous ones at that. Leaving aside the marital affairs of the husband, let him fritter away his money and live with the consequences. You do not seem to attatched to much blame to his wife but is she also being manipulated by her parents, so probably the marriage will survive,until all the assets have been stripped

However the prospects his elderly parents moving in with her parents is alarming, think the unthinkable!!. Here is what happened to to my wife's great aunt.

Aunt Bess was 83, in general good health, her husband died a couple of years before, then out of the blue a niece appeared from South Africa with her daughter and took over care, excluding the local relatives who had been attending Aunt Bess. You would have expected with full time care that she would have enjoyed many active years, she didn't, they gained power of attorney to control the bank account, persuaded her to change her will, she was dead within 2 years and they went back to South Africa half a million richer. Two questions remain, were the women really relatives, did they "help" the death.

All of this added up in hindsight, nobody saw it coming, very very clever. So don't let the two sets of inlaws get together, the £36k is a drop in the ocean compared with the damage a really clever manipulator can do.

There is no bounds that a gold digger will regard, a long term friend of mines father divorced and remarried, his new wife isolated him from the family, a few years later he got dementure and his new wife got Power of Attourney. No problem for day to day needs but she started selling property worth millions, the fathers family did stop her but it took high court action and was very expensive.

The wife's family are intent on stripping everything so you do need to intervene, you need at least one other person and preferably more to understand what the threat is, then explain it to the husband. You will be called a witch and be accused of benefiting yourself and be faced with indignant innocence but you must do it.
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