A Slightly Unusual Problem

[wakeupbomb]

Okay, this will take a while to explain. It might all resolve itself anyway, but I just need to get this off my chest more than anything.

I met a woman recently who is everything I've ever wanted. She is smart, energetic, passionate, fun to be around, open-minded, and so many more things besides. She is also the most beautiful woman I've ever met and certainly ever been with. She is stunning and I feel so proud to be able to walk hand-in-hand with her.

We have an amazing connection and I knew she was attracted to me from the first time we met. I have always been able to make her laugh, and I stimulate her intellectually, and I think that's a big part of the attraction for her. We talk for hours, we have such a laugh and engaging time together.

I've been waiting for someone like this all my life. I know it is wrong to stake too much in something too soon, but when it's right then you have to acknowledge it. I've dated lots of women, and I've never found the one that I really click with, and I'd just about given up hope. Except that I never give up because I'm not a quitter. And then she came into my life.

She has said so many nice things about me. Last time I was with her, she was telling me that she told someone she knew that I was “amazing”, and why she thought I was amazing. Just quite openly told me this. I know she loves spending time with me, I know she fancies me, I know there is something quite special there.

When I got together with her, she had been through a hard time. She has had a very successful career, without going into details, far more successful than mine until recently. But it just so happens that I found something that I'm good at in the last few years, and now I have a quite lucrative and even fairly exciting sounding career. I knew she was skint when I met her, and this didn't bother me in the slightest because I've been poor, and money really means very little to me, other than you need a bit to survive.

Now what you're all probably expecting here is...she's been taking advantage of me. Well, that's not the problem at all. Here's the problem.

For reasons that I won't go into, we've had a pretty emotional couple of weeks. Not with each other, just with some stuff that's happened to her. We have never said a cross word to each other. We just vibe with each other so well. She can tease me and I can tease her, and she is so tolerant. She has never tried to change me.

But the last time we were together, we had a really great time together, and I've never felt closer to her. Everything she said to me indicated that she felt the same way. But then today we were supposed to be meeting up again, and unfortunately her dogs ate her shoes she was going to wear, and she didn't have any money to buy some more, and this upset her. Suddenly she viewed her life as a total mess.

BTW I don't want to go into all the details of what has happened. But I should just mention that she lives quite a way away from me, and she has been mostly travelling to me. But this is purely because she wasn't happy with where she was living and has been in the process of moving house. I'm more than happy to travel to her.

So anyway, she phoned me up and said she isn't coming today, she said she doesn't want to feel dependent on me for money, she prides herself in her independence, and she needs to sort her life out. She was basically saying on the phone that she was considering stopping dating me. I was very calm, and I just explained to her that I know she's an independent woman, that she shouldn't feel bad about her personal circumstances, that she's been through a rough trot, that this can happen to anyone, and that I am 100% certain she will get on her feet in due course and ultimately get to where she needs to be. I also said that I will make the trip up to see her (which we were planning for next week anyway, as she's in her new home now) on a regular basis from now on.

I also told her briefly, without laying it on too thick, that I care about her a lot and I don't want to stop seeing her, and if she did just slide out of my life it would upset me (which is an understatement!). She seemed to appreciate this, particularly me telling that I cared about her, so I dropped the subject, had a bit of small talk, and then left her be and told her I'd call her on Saturday.

I mean, basically there is a massive gulf in income between us. Again, I can't go into all of the details, but she has no money and no job at the moment. But she's just been interviewed for a PA position with a very good salary. She is very smart, tonnes of skills and knowledge, she will get back on her feet, I am certain of this.

I can see this is probably just her being in an emotional state, and it possibly doesn't mean that much. But I don't want to lose her, and I especially don't want to lose her over something stupid like money. I've been as skint as it's possible to be in Britain, and now I would be viewed as middle-class and quite fortunate. I don't care about that, it means nothing to me. I don't mind helping her out while she gets on her feet, obviously if this continued indefinitely then I would be concerned and it would be unacceptable. But I have no concern about this whatsoever because I know that's not who she is. For three-quarters of our working lives, maybe more, she would have been the one subbing me!

I'm 40 years-old, I'm not getting any younger, I've never managed to have the sort of solid relationship that I wanted, perhaps partly because I won't sell myself short and be with someone just for the sake of it. This is not being with someone for the sake of it. This is a very special and hugely attractive woman, of whom I think the world.

Probably she is just in an emotional state because she has been through a lot of sh*t, and I mean A LOT. But I don't want to lose her. I don't want to split with her over this, when she loves being with me and I love being with her. All I've been able to think about today is the prospect of losing her, and I've been biting back the tears all day. I don't want to give in to them because if I do I will just sob and sob. If we split then I definitely won't even try to date for months, at least, because I know I will just compare other women to her, and they won't compare.

What should I do?

[David020549]

Not unusual at all

" The dog ate her shoes" yeah yeah yeah, my guess is she has been checking you out but has moved on, why was she traveling to see you?, it would be normal for you to visit her.

My own radar would signal caution, what ever her reason for not letting you visit her, she is not telling the whole story and that could mean absolutely anything. For instance my nephew who is your age was dating a very attractive single lady with a couple of young kids, it got quite serious - then her husband got released from jail unexpectedly. ----------.

Move on but if she does contact you again, just be sceptical

[wakeupbomb]

" The dog ate her shoes" yeah yeah yeah, my guess is she has been checking you out but has moved on, why was she traveling to see you?, it would be normal for you to visit her.

Well, when her dogs stayed at my place, they ate my door stop! She was travelling to see me because she wasn't happy in her previous home, for reasons that I won't go into, and was in the process of moving. She asked me to come and stay with her next week the last time I saw her, which I always intended to do. I was only having her come up here because it's good for her to have a change of scenery.

My own radar would signal caution, what ever her reason for not letting you visit her, she is not telling the whole story

Well, you just don't know this, in fact you don't know the whole story, you only know what I've told you. I'm sorry that your friend got screwed over previously, but I don't think you can let this colour your view of all people from hereon in.

If she really intended to definitely end it then when I spoke to her on the phone, she wouldn't have been receptive to what I said, she would have just said she definitely doesn't want me coming up there and doesn't want to see me again, that would seem to be logical to me.

[Mrconfused74]

First of all, people can only advise you based on the information you give, you have said a few times there is stuff you can't go into, which is fine, but it's probably the information that people would need to give a proper opinion.

Based on what you said I'd agree that the fact you had never visited her would sound alarm bells, maybe she's married, or in a relationship so doesn't want you there. Even though she's said you can go up! There's always the chance that something will change and she'll end up coming to you. If you say she always comes to you for a change of scenery why not go somewhere for a weekend? That way you are away from home, could be more relaxed and see how she is. No one can tell you for sure what she's thinking, or what you should do, if you really want to know you need to ask if she sees a future in it, if not then you'll have to accept that and move on.

[reckoner]

You say you met her recently, yet a lot seems to have happened in that time (a lot of which you can't tell us about). It has been intense, and she, and therefore you also, are apparently subject to a lot of circumstance. I think both the rapport between you, and the circumstances she's experiencing and sharing with you give you justifiable cause to trust in a strong connection to her, but the reality is, as has been pointed out, there is still plenty of room for things to be going on that you don't know about.

Your depth of feeling may also cloud your judgment because the extent to which you want this to work out may stop you from understanding if it actually is working out. She may also feel a responsibility to you for what you've shared together so far that may make her feel "receptive" to you, but that may not be enough to counter whatever it is she has going on.

But let's just take this at face value for now, because if she were trying to dodge you, I think she could have come up with a better story, and I do know for a fact that dogs do eat shoes. Having myself quit a corporate job to strike out on my own, I understand intimately the issues surrounding the inability to pay your way when you're with a richer partner, and it is horrible. As far as that goes, I'd suggest you find things to do that cost as little money as possible to reduce as far as possible the sense that you are subbing her. I'd avoid talking about any subjects that involve money or future activities that involve money as she'll likely be very sensitive to it. Even the logic you've explained here about how you were skint once and the situation could easily have been the other way round between you is unlikely to provide her with comfort. Allow her to feel what she's feeling, because she's going to feel it whatever you say and you can only really rub it in. Just focus on what you can do without it.

All you can really do for now is stick to the plan, call her tomorrow as promised and then you can see how things stand and take it from there.

[wakeupbomb]

First of all, people can only advise you based on the information you give, you have said a few times there is stuff you can't go into, which is fine, but it's probably the information that people would need to give a proper opinion.

That's fair enough, but I said in my OP that I've already agreed with her that I'll call her tomorrow, whereas he was stating quite explicitly that I shouldn't bother speaking to her ever again because she's definitely got someone else, and she's definitely lying about her dogs! If I was to follow his advice then I wouldn't even call her tomorrow, which seems a bit melodramatic. Surely people should be a little bit more careful about telling others that their partner is definitely lying to them?

Based on what you said I'd agree that the fact you had never visited her would sound alarm bells, maybe she's married, or in a relationship so doesn't want you there. Even though she's said you can go up!

I would definitely have visited her by now were it not for the fact that she was moving. She only invited me to go up and stay with her a few days ago, why would she do that if she had someone else in her life, and in fact intended to finish with me? Why not just not invite me in the first place?

There's always the chance that something will change and she'll end up coming to you. If you say she always comes to you for a change of scenery why not go somewhere for a weekend?

We were planning to go to the Lake District this week. Unfortunately, this was cancelled due to circumstances beyond our control, but we're still planning to go in the coming weeks. We've been talking about lots of holidays, and were planning to go to New York over Christmas.

The problem really is money. I can easily afford to do all of these things. She cannot. That makes her dependent on me. She doesn't like being dependent on me. What I'm really looking for is advice on how to handle this situation, if anyone has any.

If respondents think our entire relationship is based on lies, that's fine, that's their opinion, but you cannot possibly know this as you're not in possession of all the facts, or even the majority of the facts. I'm not really looking for people to tell me that she's lying as I know her and you do not, I am looking for people to advise me on the money situation, how I should handle it, and if there's anything I can do to reassure her and make her feel comfortable.

[wakeupbomb]

You say you met her recently, yet a lot seems to have happened in that time (a lot of which you can't tell us about).

This is very personal stuff and I don't have any right to post it on the Internet. I don't know what counts as recently, but I've been seeing her for a few months.

Having myself quit a corporate job to strike out on my own, I understand intimately the issues surrounding the inability to pay your way when you're with a richer partner, and it is horrible. As far as that goes, I'd suggest you find things to do that cost as little money as possible to reduce as far as possible the sense that you are subbing her. I'd avoid talking about any subjects that involve money or future activities that involve money as she'll likely be very sensitive to it. Even the logic you've explained here about how you were skint once and the situation could easily have been the other way round between you is unlikely to provide her with comfort. Allow her to feel what she's feeling, because she's going to feel it whatever you say and you can only really rub it in. Just focus on what you can do without it.

All you can really do for now is stick to the plan, call her tomorrow as promised and then you can see how things stand and take it from there.

Thanks for the response, that's good advice, I will bear that in mind going forward.

[Mrconfused74]

What can you do about the money situation??? Well you could just pay for everything and let her chip in when she can! Or tell her to save some money so when you go away she won't have to rely on you! Or tell her to find a better paid job, somewhere cheaper to live, cut down on her outgoings!!! There's all sorts she could do if she wanted to feel independent. If it was really just about the money then there was no need to post such a long thread. Especially when you say on occasions that you can't go into detail about stuff. And of course we don't know her, we can only give opinion on what you say! It's upto you whether you want to take it

[reckoner]

For the record, yes, I think a few months counts as "recently".

While I don't personally agree with 100% of what other posters have said, I think it has all been fair comment based on the breadth and scope of your original post.

Good luck, be glad to know how it goes.

[David020549]

I'm very sympathetic with this situation and most of it goes to her, I had a very attractive woman friend a few years ago, straight off she told me not to get involved, one day she told me about "the curse of being attractive". Attractive girls get most attention from the bad boys who are exciting, you are flattered by that and want more, like a drug you become addicted. Over the years you get used and abused do much that you cannot rely on anyone so you live on your own wits not daring to commit to anything including a career. My guess that is her background she will tell you what she chooses you will never know it all.

Does that ring any bells with the ladies on this forum.

The story of my nephew Jim, as you are the same age I will elaborate, like you he works hard and is well heeled, he has had several serious girlfriends over the years but none moved in to live until the one with the jailbird husband. She was good looking, privately educated, her father was a university professor and had a couple of well behaved kids, no hint of anything bad, then the bombshell dropped. Jim had fallen for her just like you, he was gutted.

Fast forward 3 yrs, Sally came on the scene divorced, 35 with a 7 yr old boy, nice girl ebullient but rather nervous. But, her husband was violent and she had a breakdown also is fighting for custody of the boy. Moreover her mother is fighting against her and the boy has behavioral problems, all this is unfolding at present, we hope it works out in the end.

Your girlfriends background might be difficult at best, she will tell you most of that, but it might be really nasty that she really would not want you to know. Hence not wanting you at her place, meeting her friends or her family. My guess, she will keep you at a distance until she is sure of you. It probably has nothing to do with money, there are plenty of girlfriends and wives who gave no problem spending their mans cash.

[wakeupbomb]

I'm very sympathetic with this situation and most of it goes to her, I had a very attractive woman friend a few years ago, straight off she told me not to get involved, one day she told me about "the curse of being attractive". Attractive girls get most attention from the bad boys who are exciting, you are flattered by that and want more, like a drug you become addicted. Over the years you get used and abused do much that you cannot rely on anyone so you live on your own wits not daring to commit to anything including a career. My guess that is her background she will tell you what she chooses you will never know it all.

Does that ring any bells with the ladies on this forum.

The story of my nephew Jim, as you are the same age I will elaborate, like you he works hard and is well heeled, he has had several serious girlfriends over the years but none moved in to live until the one with the jailbird husband. She was good looking, privately educated, her father was a university professor and had a couple of well behaved kids, no hint of anything bad, then the bombshell dropped. Jim had fallen for her just like you, he was gutted.

Fast forward 3 yrs, Sally came on the scene divorced, 35 with a 7 yr old boy, nice girl ebullient but rather nervous. But, her husband was violent and she had a breakdown also is fighting for custody of the boy. Moreover her mother is fighting against her and the boy has behavioral problems, all this is unfolding at present, we hope it works out in the end.

Your girlfriends background might be difficult at best, she will tell you most of that, but it might be really nasty that she really would not want you to know. Hence not wanting you at her place, meeting her friends or her family. My guess, she will keep you at a distance until she is sure of you. It probably has nothing to do with money, there are plenty of girlfriends and wives who gave no problem spending their mans cash.

I'm sure there is a lot of truth in what you're saying here. But, again, you don't really know her background. If you're saying 'proceed with caution'...I would always do that anyway.

The sole reason I haven't been up to her is because she was in a place where she was very unhappy (I don't want to go into the details of why) and was in the process of moving house, which she has now done. Hence, I was supposed to be going up to her place for the first time next week, hopefully this will still happen.

She invited me to her house this week just days ago, I was going to help her decorate. Why would she do this if she didn't want me to be there? Why not just not invite me in the first place? Why not say "things are still a bit upside-down at the moment (which they are), why don't I come up to you?". Which we have been doing for a few months.

Again, if this has nothing to do with money, and she has no problem spending my cash, why doesn't she just keep doing it? Why didn't she say, when the dog ate her shoes, "would you buy me a new pair of shoes, please?".

She could have quite happily come down to my place this week and things could have continued the way that they were. The only reason I'm going up to see her is that I thought we could spread the load of travelling a bit. Why didn't she suggest this?

I can see where you're coming from, but these are all assumptions, and they don't even seem to be logical assumptions or assumptions that are based on having read my OP.

[Tarantula]

It's difficult for me to know what to say to you as there are important parts of the circumstances you don't want to disclose, despite this being an anonymous forum. That's your call, but you might as well have written: 'I've got a problem. Dog ate shoes. Other things but I won't tell you what. I'll keep repeating how I won't tell you. What should I do?'

The only parts that really got through to me are:

- You've been dating for a short time
- You haven't been to her place
- She turned down seeing you because the dog ate her shoes
- She's been through a lot recently.

Ok, you won't go into, fine, but - could you at least tell us if her recent problems are to do with another man at all? Like an ex or something?

As I don't know the story, all I can really advise for sure is be. Careful. You hardly know this woman and she seems to have a lot of secrets. Also I wouldn't let dog eating my shoes get in the way of seeing someone I was serious about, so try to reign in your feelings a little and see what she does next.

[David020549]

This woman will be good company but don't invest emotion because she will be unpredictable, not dangerous. At least she is not a gold digger, a clever one of those can seriously damage your wealth, the characteristics are entirely different