by reckoner » Thu Jul 06, 2017 7:47 pm
I have to say straight up that I haven't experienced depression personally and do find it difficult to relate to, which I'm sure is an attitude that you get a lot of and must find incredibly frustrating. So I proceed but apologise in advance for anything I say that seems insensitive or irrelevant. I give you my observations in the hope rather than expectation that they're helpful.
I have always felt that the mind seems to constantly try to lay down the train tracks that run the course of our routines, our lifestyle and our identity, maybe not in that order. Basically, the more you do something, the more you do it, even if the tracks are heading to an unpleasant place. At some point, no matter what demons we are battling, there has to be a conscious decision to get off the train if we don't like where it's going. We have to do things differently or change our pattern of thinking.
A number of things you have said sound like a very strong pattern of thinking:
1. "My constant questioning and worrying ... I've always done this."
2. "Suffering depression for 20 years ... Has led to a serious fear of intimacy."
3. "Everything falls under my critical mind where nothing is ever right"
4. "The trouble I have is my depression confuses how I feel so I can't trust myself..."
5. "Unfortunately, if I wait to 'deal' with my depression and loss of self, I will stay alone."
That last one is particularly striking to me because you describe your loss of self but I get a very strong sense of self from you, in terms of the examples above, the very full life you lead and challenges you give yourself to how critical you are of yourself: always shutting down, your constantly whirring mind, to mention a couple. You are as definitive about your self and your future as you are about your past and the problems you face. There seems no possibility of, well, possibility. At the risk of sounding twee, if you believe something is impossible, then it is.
Rather than you suffering from loss of self, I think you could do without the sense of one you've already got. Or when you say "loss", is there a sense of a self you used to have that is now gone? Maybe you can start with a self you wish you had and learn to be it.
Rather than defining yourself by the way you've always been, decide to do the thing the person you wish you were would do. Always critical? Then start looking for the good qualities. Always shutting down? Consciously decide to open up and figure out how to do it. Don't accept that the way you've been is the way you'll always be. If everything is a conscious decision, why should it be?
I realise this is all very easy to say. For instance, I don't know how to counter constant questioning of yourself and worrying. This is my mother all over, and perhaps the reason why I strive not to. I just think you have to recognise a pattern that is not serving you well and find a way to change it. To get philosophical, I have come to believe that being happy is a conscious decision.
After all that, I really hope it helps!!