I feel like you're on the edge of making one of the biggest, hardest and BESTEST decisions of your life (at least, I'm sure that's how those of us who finally left our abusive partners feel about it). So allow me to push you over that edge lol.
It seems like you're mostly staying out of guilt now, and can't put yourself first. But here's the thing. Putting yourself first doesn't ONLY benefit you. It benefits EVERYONE in the long term. Even your bf. How?
For as long as you stay, you're reinforcing his behaviour because he will know, on some level, that he doesn't have to change. He knows how far he can push it, and he knows when to change gear and be 'nice'. He's not necessarily TRYING to hurt you, but when it's a choice between hurting you and facing his issues, he chooses to hurt you every single time. Now that's selfish.
If you leave, he will of course react very badly and it will be difficult. But after that first shock has worn off, well then he will have a choice: replace you with the next vulnerable lady, and never have the guts to address what's really going on for him, and just keep going, be a dysfunctional partner, probably a dysfunctional father, and most likely raise the next generation of young men with trust issues... OR he can decide to sort himself out. It's something he has to decide for himself and he will NEVER make that decision whilst you stay. You've been doing the dysfunctional dance with him, and he knows that when the music stops, everyone sits down. That is his big fear; that's why he will react so badly when you leave (I said when!).. but it also represents an opportunity for him to step up. One that he probably won't take because change is hard. That's not your problem, though. You stay, you're enabling him. Let him inflict his issues on somebody else.
Who else benefits from you putting yourself first for a change, and leaving? Your mum. Your family, who need you too. You can't be the help and support that anyone needs whilst you're stuck in this unhealthy situation. Well, forget support - I'm sure they just want to see you happy. And you're not happy. So what about that?
What about how much better your life will be if you leave, not only for you, but for everyone around you? You'll be able to do more, achieve more, be with the people who care for you more. When you're happy, everyone benefits
. Preach! You're of no 'use' to anybody whilst you're under so much stress and suffering.
much. I know, I know. You've been trying so hard, haven't you? I know it hurts very much. At some point you've got to decide to stop opening yourself up for more hurt.
Warned that your state of mind wasn't stable? My dear, that's why he chose you in the first place
. Perhaps not so consciously as all that, but essentially yes, that is the dynamic here. He can only exist in your life when you are a shadow of yourself. If you start climbing those steps again, well, you wouldn't give him a second look.
It might not be today, it might not be tomorrow, but at some point you will
decide that enough is enough.
And we will be here when you do!