Should i expose?

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Should i expose?

Postby Essexman » Wed Jun 14, 2017 5:47 pm

My wife and I have been together for 6 years and married for 1 and a half. 1 year ago a guy from my wifes work kissed her on a drunken night out. She came home and told me as felt very guilty. Since then she has had an intence crush on him and has told me this. She sees him 40hrs a week so no way of getting away from him and in a really good job so would not leave. A few weeks ago she told me that shes not sure that im enough and she wants qualities he has but still ensures me that's not the reason im not enough. She has asked for space while she decides on what she wants but cannot get away from him. I know its been nothing more than one kiss but they talk daily at work.

What am i to do? Do i expose it to her work? The guy at work also has a girlfriend but he has said its not serious and wish something would happen between them (she told me)

I am really struggling and don't want to give up on my marriage and i think it would be alot easier to save if he wasnt around.

Thoughts please? What can i do?

PS she has very bad anxiety so constantly questions everything including her marriage.
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Re: Should i expose?

Postby reckoner » Wed Jun 14, 2017 10:25 pm

"Do I expose this to her work?"

Short answer: HELL NO!

This is a private matter between you and your surprisingly honest wife. Yes, I'm sure it would be easier to save your marriage if this other guy weren't around, as would locking your wife in a box, and please don't do that either.

Even if there is an HR policy outlawing personal relations between colleagues, i see it as extremely bad form to involve work administration as an adjudicator on your marriage, threatening livelihoods in the process. This is your marriage, you deal with it.

If she's prepared to be honest with you, be honest with her. Where is your bottom line? How much more are you prepared to put up with before enough is enough? I'd imagine for most people, anxiety issues and her total transparency notwithstanding, the line would already have been crossed. Determine your limit, communicate it to her and stand by it.

I'm not even sure it's up to you to save the marriage. It seems like it's up to her not to throw it even further away. If you can't come up with anything better to tell her, maybe say that.
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Re: Should i expose?

Postby Essexman » Wed Jun 14, 2017 11:04 pm

She wants him over me so how would you suggest i get her? Who cares what happens at work if its over?
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Re: Should i expose?

Postby highlandcow » Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:28 pm

reckoner wrote:Even if there is an HR policy outlawing personal relations between colleagues, i see it as extremely bad form to involve work administration as an adjudicator on your marriage, threatening livelihoods in the process. This is your marriage, you deal with it.


I agree with reckoner. It is not down to you to expose your wife to her work and I don't think it will do you any favours if you do. A lot pf people are going to be bound up in that and hurt by that, although I concede that what your wife did was far from fair, an eye-for-an-eye is not the way to go here. I know you're hurting but it is not up to you to blow the whistle and end up devestating this guy's girlfriend in the process. Isn't it better that she hears about her boyfriend's infidelity from her him, rather than as a result of an HR tribunal?

With regard to how you can save your marriage - I think that is down to your wife. She is the one who has been unfaithful but she has been honest with you about it and what she wants. What are the qualities she says he has that you don't?
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Re: Should i expose?

Postby snail » Thu Jun 15, 2017 5:34 pm

If you talk to her work about it, I think you can guarantee that your marriage will be over, as that's a behaviour from you that will cause her a great deal of trouble and embarrassment. It's also not particularly mature behaviour and thus won't command her respect. Likewise, although to a slightly lesser extent, if you talk to this man's girlfriend.
If you are sure the marriage is over you might want to go for it anyway and get the satisfaction - that is up to you. But in the longer run it will probably make you feel worse, so if you can avoid it, I would. The other issue with regards to work is, if they haven't slept together there's not much concrete that you can actually allege. What could you say - they talk a lot?

I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to keep her if she doesn't want to stay. Maybe giving her some space, as she asked, is a good idea. Perhaps a few weeks apart? You must be suffering a great deal - you might feel better without seeing her everyday.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Should i expose?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Thu Jun 15, 2017 6:35 pm

Do you have kids? If not this will be much easier to do! If you have then maybe that's the only reason she hasn't gone.. firstly don't tell her work, because if she decides to stay you will have potentially lost her income. Also if you have kids, they will suffer from the loss of income. It's quite possible that she has done more than kiss, and if they talk all day they are at the least they are having a emotional affair, which in one respect is worse because it means their feelings go beyond friends or a crush. If you give her space she will possibly take it further and sleep with him if she hasn't already.
What to do?? Tell her that what she's doing isn't acceptable, and be honest with her! If she won't back down I suggest you ask her to leave! You've done nothing wrong so she should go.
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Re: Should i expose?

Postby Essexman » Mon Jun 19, 2017 12:05 am

So what if she decides to leave me? Do i then tell her work so that nothing can happen or do i keep my mouth shut and let it happen?
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Re: Should i expose?

Postby David020549 » Mon Jun 19, 2017 6:52 am

My sympathy with your position. I don't see any point in making it any more difficult. At least there are no kids involved and probably little property involved.

I don't see any point in involving her work, employers often discourage liaisons between colleagues but they happen anyway, they might not take any action if there was no conflict affecting work. If there was a potential problem as long as they were good employees maybe moving one to a different department would be justified but that should have no affect on the relationship. From an employers point of view a worker happy in a relationship is much better than a worker distracted by an unhappy one.
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Re: Should i expose?

Postby highlandcow » Wed Jun 21, 2017 11:41 am

Like David I do sympathise massively as I know this can't be easy for you, but it really won't be worth your time outing them at work. What good will it do you? It might make you feel better for a minute or too as a revenge thing, but it won't help, espeacially as you want to get her back.
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