CONFUSED!!!!!

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CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 » Tue Jun 06, 2017 3:11 pm

Hi guys. I am in need of some info/help. I am with a really nice guy. He loves me so so much and tells me ALL the time. He wants to be with me all of the time. We met not even a year after my dad died and I just came out of a long term relationship but everything seemed amazing. He lost his job at christmas time and since then things have been tough (which I accept & expected).It is life after all. Since then I feel myself drifting away. I am now at the stage where I have not got a clue what to do.... I cry all the time and stress so much about the relationship, money, still seeing my friends and family. I feel guilty for feeling this like which makes is a lot worse. I do want to do a lot of things still. I'm only 29 and he is 38. He has 3 boys and a dog. I am driving myself crazy not knowing what to do. He stays far from my family so I feel alienated sometimes. I end up feeling guilty for wanting to spend time with my friends or family. I don't think spending 24/7 with each other is healthy but I think he expects that because I have a new "family". I recently found out that he checks my phone but has no reason to.... I have never done anything to him. He thinks if I maybe forget to tell him something about a night out etc then I'm lying but I honestly have such a terrible memory. The flat is only half done because we don't have money to do it. I am trying my best to help with stuff for the house ie .furniture etc but he says that I am wasting money (I cant win) I know it sounds realty selfish but I want more... I really want to have my 30th birthday party (been planning it for years) but I know he wont allow me to spend a little each month. I do want to go away with my mum or friends for the "occasional" and I mean very occasional night away. I know it sounds selfish and I feel super guilty for even thinking it which then gets me all stressed again. This week I broke down completely at work. I just couldn't keep it in any longer. Any advice..... ?????
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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby highlandcow » Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:32 pm

Hi fellow Glasgow girl! 8)

He sounds very controlling. Won't allow you to put a bit of your own money by for your own birthday party, checks your phone, wants to be with you 24/7? He sounds like he has major insecurity issues and it doesn't sound healthy at all. What was his relationship like with his ex?

You're not selfish at all to want a bit of time away from him with your own friends and family? God, it would be exhausting to just be with one person and never get a break. I love my husband, but I don't want us to be chained together!

Would getting back to work help him in overcoming his issues? 6 months is a long time to be out of work, maybe he feels the need to control you because you're persumably earning and he isn't. Maybe he feels emasculated, but that is no excuse to treat you like that!

Have you mentioned how you're feeling? Do you feel unsafe or like he would harm you if you spoke out? Maybe I'm massively overreacting, but I was in a controlling relationship myself once and I didn't recognise these signs until things started to get out of hand.

There is a sticky at the top of this board called Jealousy and Control...maybe you should give it a wee read?
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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 » Wed Jun 07, 2017 1:35 pm

Thank you for your reply highlandcow: Nice to meet a fellow "weegie" ;)

Sometimes I do think to myself that he is controlling but I do shrug it off as "love" He constantly tells me he loves me and he would be lost without me etc... who wouldn't wanna hear that right??? It just seems over powering sometimes and I don't have the heart to say I need time alone because he takes it as some kind of personal attack.

Yeah I mean its a tricky one.... he says he doesn't have an issue with me going out but somehow we always end up in an argument from it. Its because "I don't have the respect to let him know where I am etc" so he knows I am safe because he really worries. I totally get txting I'm on my way home etc but I feel he wants too much. When am I leaving?? When I'm in the taxi?? When I'm at a certain place, when I phone a taxi home and when in it and home ?? He will say I would be with you all the time which is nice but it does make me feel guilty for wanting to do other things. But he thinks iv made this up in my head that there's issues with it but I really don't feel I have.

Oh yeah I totally get that he is feeling really down etc that I'm the earner just now and I really do try and understand that. Iv been jobless before as well. I help out every way I can. He thinks I'm not there for him but I just find it hard to want "affection" etc right now. I feel down so much and I cant seem to shift it. He thinks I should just be able to change my attitude over night. Iv struggled with these feelings so long and they just exploded through the week. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I really am trying. I am starting to think there is something fundamentally wrong with me right now :(

I have told him how I feel but he just thinks I feel the same as him and it will just blow over when he gets a job. I'm just not so sure . I know I don't help the situation by keeping it all in but I really didn't feel I could voice my opinion. I didn't want to make him feel worse either. I really don't feel he would ever harm me. He used to have anger issues way before I met him and so far they haven't reared their ugly wee heads yet.

I am just so confused right now. I don't know if its just me but he thinks we should tell each other "everything" and I mean to the smallest detail but I still think some things should remain between friends or family. Keeping someone's confidence is important. Please correct me though if I'm wrong!!

Hope you are happier these days highlandcow x
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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby highlandcow » Wed Jun 07, 2017 8:58 pm

Ah you poor thing, you really don't sound happy at all. :( Imagine the tables were turned and you were reading this here on PP from another PP'er. What would you advise them? I know that's easier said than done but sometimes it helps to imagine it that way. It can put it in perspective.

Ypu're right it is a tricky one. But it sounds to me like you're going above and beyond to make him happy to the detriment of your own happiness. It doesn't sound to me like he knows how to be happy anymore. I think he senses he is losing you and that's why he is unhappy with you making plans with other people and why he is so controlling with you keeping him up to date with your movements - I mean, a text to say you've called the taxi, a text to say you're in the taxi....it's one thing to be worried for someone's safety, especially if you're out in the city alone, but it's a bit extreme. In fact, while you're busy sending him texts to update him, you are probably the most unsafe. Walking down the road, looking at your phone....his demands that you're in constant contact could actually be putting you more at risk! :o :o :o

If you're feeling this down, a break from him might do you both some good. He doesn't seem to realise that what he is doing to hold on to you is actually driving you away. I saw in your post on the Mental Wellbeing site that you have an appointment with your GP - please do keep that appointment. Print off this topic and shoow them so that you don't leave anything out. In fact, maybe your other half could benefit from an appointment himself, as he also sounds like he could be depressed (in my purely unprofessional opinion, of course!)

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:He thinks I should just be able to change my attitude over night. Iv struggled with these feelings so long and they just exploded through the week. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I really am trying. I am starting to think there is something fundamentally wrong with me right now


Oh my goodness, no, you mustn't think that! There is nothing wrong with you. His behaviour is making you feel like that. Please, do not take any notice of that. [-o<

In addition to the Jealousy and Control sticky that I mentioned earlier, there is also one called Emotional Abuse. Maybe that one would be worth a glance at too if you have the time. I haven't looked at it myself recently but maybe something in there could help.

If you were to take a break, is there any family nearby or friends you could stay with? Have you talked to anyone else about this?

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:I don't know if its just me but he thinks we should tell each other "everything" and I mean to the smallest detail but I still think some things should remain between friends or family. Keeping someone's confidence is important. Please correct me though if I'm wrong!!


I agree with you there - secrets are secrets! I tell my husband most things but if someone asks me to keep a secret then I will. And to be honest, based on his behaviour, I don't think he'd be the right person to share absolutley everything with. It doesn't sound like he trusts you, so why should you trust him with someone else's business?

Finally, I have to ask...do you love this guy? I mean, do you still love him? Do you want to carry on this relationship with him? Sorry to be blunt and ask such a personal thing but someone did the same for me once. And I find that sometimes if you strip a problem down to it's nuts and bolts, then you have your answer right there!

Sorry to remable on so much - being on maternity leave gives me a lot of time to think about things! :lol:
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby highlandcow » Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:00 pm

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:Hope you are happier these days highlandcow


PS - thank you! :) I am in a lot better place now. It does get better.
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 » Thu Jun 08, 2017 9:20 am

Thanx again :) I'm really not happy right now and I honestly have no clue on how get happy again. Haha yeah I would probably tell them to do whatever makes them happy, even if it means hurting someone else. But like you said it really is easier said than done. When I go to say how I "really" feel I get this sudden feeling of dread and sometimes feel like I am being a little sick. I go to bed crying a lot because I just don't know what to do. I feel horrific because I just don't know what's going on.

Yeah he does feel as if he is losing me but the fact that he just wont listen to me and tells me all my opinions/points of view are either rubbish or incorrect just keeps bringing me down more. I feel so horrible for making him feel like that. I really don't mean to. I mean even the woman in work who I spoke to the other day just said to me this morning that I looked horrific on Monday, drained, tired and BAGS under my eyes. I'm 29 I shouldn't have bags.!!! I do think the constant check ups is extreme but he really wont back down on it, says its just because he worries so much about me because he loves me so much. He flipped because I got a train into the secc the other week instead of driving. I don't like driving in town and I have been getting the train since I was 12 on my own but he just says its so dangerous and such a stupid & ridiculous idea/thing to do. I do understand that he will worry a little but to me its a bit too much???? (and yeah its got worse since the Manchester incident) I'm going to Robbie on Friday and already had words because I haven't finalised my plans yet ie when I am going or whatever. I'm honestly not a proper planner like that. I know I'm getting my mum and wele get the train there. Il probably book the tickets today.

We had another blow last night.... He keeps telling me I am being deceitful and lying about things because I don't tell him every single detail of conversations I have had and yeah I refused to let him go through my phone but its just because I heavily feel I shouldn't have to. It feels so belittling (hope that's spelled correctly) I get angry when he asks, I just don't want to be in a relationship like that. I showed him the other week one thing and he said naw you must have deleted chats so that just done it, hell no, I wasn't doing that again.

I think a break could be good but he just thinks I am "running away to my mum", his words but I just needed to get away on Monday. I had enough. If I went home things would have exploded. Im frightened to ask for space because he really does think I'm being horrible.

He says I am being totally out of order because I "put all my effort into friends & family" and not him. I see my mum for half an hour on a Thursday now (before I help with the brownies). Yeah we have had her over at weekends and things are good but he thinks as long as she's there then I'm getting the "quality" time I want with her. I disagree, I still want time with my mum on my own.. does that make me a bad person??? Yeah the past few weeks iv had things on with family but these things were booked ages ago and I didn't spend any money when I was there. In fact I changed all the plans so I wasn't. My mum does miss me and its hard right now. I feel like I am stuck between them both. We had a falling out last week because she didn't think I cared anymore/missed her but omg I do..... I have been fighting with these feelings for a long time but she didn't know that. I do totally get that he might be annoyed but to be honest I have not been out much at all. Just because I have a new family doesn't mean I forget my own right???? We would have more nights out but we just cant afford it. I don't cast it up to him or anything like that. In fact last month I did organise a night out for us both and spent money that I really shouldn't but I didn't want him feeling unloved.

He really thinks that I shouldn't talk to anyone else about anything because we are a couple but I think you need an outside perspective on things sometimes. He gets angry at me if I drop the tiniest hint that someone knows I'm upset. My friends came to the door on Monday (they stay next door to mum) to tell her they were moving but they shouted on me and they asked how my bf was etc and I tried really hard not to get upset but I welled up slightly and my friend hugged me. She did txt later asking how I was and stuff. I did tell him this last night and he was so angry, thinks iv went away and told them everything but I done nothing of the sort. I know better because I broke down at my mums once and he was so angry at me so I haven't ever since.

Love him??? I thought I did but there's just so many things happening/argument etc that are just bringing me down/bringing us down. I don't really feel much now which really confuses me.

Sorry for the long reply :)

I got carried away
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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby highlandcow » Thu Jun 08, 2017 9:30 am

No worries, doll. I just logged on quickly to see if you'd checked in, and I didn't want to read and run without leaving you a reply. I will check back in a wee bit and reply properly (everything has to revolve around nap-time in this house! :roll: )
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby highlandcow » Thu Jun 08, 2017 9:57 am

PS - I hope you don't mind but I've sent a PM to a poster here called Tarantula who is very good with this sort of thing and asked her to give your post a read if she has the time. She has helped me through similar issues with my ex and thought she might have some advice for you, or at least another point of view for you. I'm not sure how active she is on here anymore or if she has any spare time, but hopefully she will see that I've messaged her.

Again, I hope you don't mind!
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 » Thu Jun 08, 2017 10:26 am

Hey !!! No worries at all. I really appreciate you taking the time to talk to me and help me .

I am honestly starting to worry that all of this is just too much for me but what kind of person does that make me?? :(

When I mean all of this I mean losing dad suddenly then being with and looking after mum constant for the year. Ending a 7 year relationship a couple of month after losing dad then meeting someone else 10 months later. It felt like a long time but maybe not long enough. I know my mum still really struggles and sometimes I think that maybe I am just starting to struggle because my dad would be the one person I would turn to and I would know everything would be ok no matter what!!! My bf thinks its kind of ridiculous that mum Is still really struggling etc and that she should just live her life. She is trying so hard and doing so much better but dad was her life. I don't even know if anything I say makes sense anymore :( Sometimes I think I feel the feelings now that I should have felt when I lost my dad, dunno if that makes sense.

Thank you :)
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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby highlandcow » Thu Jun 08, 2017 4:05 pm

Oh darlin'. :(

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:I am honestly starting to worry that all of this is just too much for me but what kind of person does that make me??


Honestly? I completely normal one! Christ, this sort of relationship would test a saint!

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:My bf thinks its kind of ridiculous that mum Is still really struggling etc and that she should just live her life.


Jeez, this guy sounds better by the minute! Honestly, what a horrible thing to think. That sort of thing takes years to get over, not months. Of course she is still struggling and I bet you are too. And I don't blame you!

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote: Sometimes I think I feel the feelings now that I should have felt when I lost my dad, dunno if that makes sense.


It totally does. Grief is a funny thing and those feelings can randomly pop up when you least expect them. In fact, it took the breakdown of my last relationship for me to realise the extent of my feelings on my bad relationship with my mother. Go figure...

In my honest opinion, I think you need to seriously think about whether or not you want to be in a relationship at all right now. I think that maybe (and again, this is just my opinion and you can tell me if I'm off base here) you need a clean break from any romantic relationship until you get through your grief for your Dad. I obviously wouldn't suggest this to someone with a supportive partner, but this guy sounds as supportive as a bra made of jelly!

When is your GP's appointment?

Honestly, I wish I could help more. I really am so sorry you're having such a bad time!
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 » Thu Jun 08, 2017 4:35 pm

Oh thanx so much. I felt like a failure.... just thinking about abandoning ship completely. When the going gets tough n all that ???

I know, it drives me nuts when he says things like that. Grief can take years and it varies from person to person. He lost his mum but they did have a horrific relationship. It gets me so riled because my wee mum is trying. She lost half of herself when she lost dad. I honestly felt I had coped well but now I am not so sure now.... I dunno if this situation is just bringing all the hidden feelings to the surface??? Dad was definitely the one I went to and made everything ok. I actually did lose my confidence when I lost dad as well because he made me feel like I could take on the world. It really does mess with you when you least expect it.... sorry to hear about your relationship with your mum. I do count myself lucky because both my parents and I had an amazing relationship. What I had in 27 years some ppl don't get in a lifetime with their dad. Our relationship really was special.

I totally get what you are saying, that thought has crossed my mind before, that I need to just "find myself" as clichéd as it sounds. I don't feel like me. I have thought about being on my own for at least a year. Getting my own place and becoming proper independent because I haven't really. The flat doesn't feel like my home still after a year. My bf does a lot around the house and I really appreciate it but its like he gets annoyed if I'm not like jumping about giving HUGE praise. I always say thanx very much. I just feel like I am being such a horrible person abandoning ship. The over whelming feeling of guilt and sickness that comes over me :( What kind of excuse is that for leaving?? Is it even a reason?? Omg my head is spinning. Last night we were talking again and he said if it wasn't for you or the boys "I wouldn't be here" !!!!! I told someone in work and they said omg that's psychological abuse. I really hadn't thought of that.

Your comment about the jelly bra made me chuckle :) Great ;)

It was today but I chickened out because the doc made me feel really uncomfortable, he just sat and looked at me, never even said so what can I do for you or anything. I know I'm a let down :( I think I am going to make another one but ask for a female doctor because I know them all and they are all nice.

Oh don't be silly. You really are helping me. Just being able to talk and voice my concerns is helping me. Its letting me try and think it all through.

I really do appreciate you taking the time out of your day to talk to me. Especially when you have the wee one. People like you are very rare

:)
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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby highlandcow » Sun Jun 11, 2017 4:28 pm

Sorry I haven't been able to reply until now - busy weekend!

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:Last night we were talking again and he said if it wasn't for you or the boys "I wouldn't be here" !!!!! I told someone in work and they said omg that's psychological abuse. I really hadn't thought of that.


It is. That is straight up blackmail and he ought to be ashamed of himself for saying such a vile thing, particularly as he knows you're struggling with grief already.

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:I always say thanx very much. I just feel like I am being such a horrible person abandoning ship. The over whelming feeling of guilt and sickness that comes over me What kind of excuse is that for leaving?? Is it even a reason??


Absolutley it is. In fact, I'd say that what you've said already is more than enough reason to walk out of this relationship. After all, you only get one life,. Why spend it in a relationship that you don't want to be in, with a man who won't support you and doesn't even sound like he respects you either? He's your partner, he lives in the house too, does he not? Why does he need a thank you for clearing or cleaning his own home?

SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 wrote:It was today but I chickened out because the doc made me feel really uncomfortable, he just sat and looked at me, never even said so what can I do for you or anything. I know I'm a let down I think I am going to make another one but ask for a female doctor because I know them all and they are all nice.


You're not a let down at all, doll. It's hard to go and discuss this sort of thing and worse still when you come out and don't feel like you've been taken seriously. But please do go back.

Have you thought about bereavment counselling (for your mum as well as you)? Try: http://www.crusescotland.org.uk/

And thank you. I'm glad I can be of some help. PP is pretty quiet at the moment but I hope some other members might be able to offer some advice too if they have the time.
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby thething » Sun Jun 11, 2017 5:21 pm

Hello,
i personally don't read to much into the 'wouldn't be here without you' line he said/says. i think it might just be something people say. I'm sure i have said something of the same jist at some point in time. The mobile phone checking is probably due to a past relationship, or even him not being secure about his own feelings and his own intentions.
He sounds as if he loves you all the same. You sound as though you have hit an epiphany where you realise the age difference at this time of your life is significant enough for you to question the relationship. Relationships breakdown more often than not these days, life goes on. I was not single for more than a month at a time since i was 17 yrs old, i am now 37 and have been single for 2 years. In the past i was scared of being alone. Now i realise i should have taken the time to find myself a long time ago.

I hope whatever your ultimate decision is, that you make the correct one based on yourself, nobody else but yourself. People come and go. Unfortunately you can't leave yourself LOL. Chin up please and it will work out for you. It always does.
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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby highlandcow » Mon Jun 12, 2017 6:37 pm

How are you doing, sweet?
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
'It's good to be alive!'"

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Re: CONFUSED!!!!!

Postby SHYGLASGOWGIRL1988 » Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:15 am

Hi Highalnd cow. So sorry I haven't been on. Busy weekend and even busier week at work (covering)

Just to let you know that things have got a little better. Well they got worse before they got better . He acted like a total crazy person after Robbie on Friday (which was amazing btw) and I was ready for walking but my mum was there and the boys so I didn't want to make a scene. I did finally break down and speak to my friend on Thursday which really did help. I broke down completely on sunday and told him EVERYTHING I was feeling and I didn't back down, I didn't accept that it was all my fault. I told him I didn't know if I wanted to be with him because of it all. He went for a drive and really did come back a different person (oh and he did get a job on Friday too which helped) I think he finally gets where I am coming from and has vowed never to be check up on me again and I promised to let him know im safe when out ( I don't mean in the way he originally wanted) ALOT was said and understood ( I think) so we are taking it very slow. Things are a lot brighter at the minute ( I deffo feel a lot better than I did before) Not quite "there" yet but he knows that. We are just seeing how it goes but if I see a slight glimmer of that kind of behaviour again im out. I thank you so much because after speaking to you and my friend it gave me the courage to say how I felt and to know that I can do it. I can do what I can do make me happy. I now know there are people out there for me and life is what I make it.

Again thank you much. I am so grateful for you taking the time out to talk to me (not that im saying you wont still be )

:) :)
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