Everything getting to me

[stardelightxxx]

Ive been really down and depressed with quite a lot of things happening. My husband who is 50 is in hospital having had prostrate cancer, he got his prostrate taken out and i should of been giving him support and going in to see him but it as all got to me what is happening to him because he as always been well and we were going to be looking to move away since our youngest child as gone to university recently, now that is on hold and we planned to get away for a couple of days next month but now we cant. As soon as i heard he had it 3 months ago i felt it meant he would die from it and it as really scared me so much. I havent anyone to talk to about it, no family or friends and ive been arguing with my husband when i should of been by his side. I hate that it as happened to him, hate what it as done. Ive been crying alot and worrying about it. Also im ajusting to our youngest child whos left and the house is so quiet and i feel lost in it. Im a housewife and i havent worked for while so my confidence is really low but im looking to do voluntary work or get a little job to get me out of the house. My husband said to me the other day, are you going out and i took offense because i felt like he wanted me out of the house and i had no where to go and no money to go shopping and it really upset me and i felt i shouldnt of been there so him saying that then with him having cancer all got to me, then my car faiked its mot so i cant use my car now. Its one thing after another and i want to run away or be someone else and not feel like this anymore.

[Tarantula]

I don't want to upset you, but you sound a little insensitive. It's your husband who's just experienced a very life-threatening illness, not you. Why aren't you supporting him?

I'm surprised you'd even mention not being able to get away for a couple of days, in light of such a bigger issue.

Genuine question: why aren't you supporting him?

You might want to run away but you shouldn't. The person you married must be really in need of some support. My current partner - his ex had an affair when he got cancer. I guess things just got all too real for her, so she took the easy way out instead of keep her marriage vows. Some people only stick around as long as they have something to gain. They leave as soon as the benefits stop.

When I read the first line that your husband got cancer, I thought, oh no, how horrible, you must be sick with worry and doing everything you can to make him feel better. Then I read about how your little holiday is cancelled and got confused.

You have to face one problem at a time. And honestly, next to your husband having cancer - the car failing its MOT and not getting to go away for a weekend really should be the least of your concerns. You need time to adjust to your kid going to uni and, whatever you do, don't make your partner feel guilty for getting ill.

Communicate honestly - and not in a blaming way - with your husband and your feelings and listen to his views too. Visit him every day and do something nice for him to show you care. Through doing nice things, you'll begin to feel better too, and perhaps less ashamed, as it sounds like you know you could've done a better job for him.

[Tucco]

Hi there,
Firstly I am really sorry to hear about your situation, the best advice I could give would be for you to contact a Cancer Charity like say McMillan.
They will understand your situation completely and offer free help and guidance. If you felt they had been a help you could repay them by volunteering or something.
I also think the empty nest syndrome is having an effect.

Good luck with everything, please keep us updated.

[David020549]

You sound emotionally dependant on your husband an are scared of your life changing, your whole world in fact, so let me reassure you that you will change as well. Recovery rates from cancer is good and improving all the time, a good friend of mine had his prostate removed, he was driving again in a month and after 3 months almost back to normal so there is every reason to be optimistic.
Children leaving home especially girls is predictable, most women cope with this in advance by getting a school hours job, which also gives them cash to enjoy a better lifestyle, as soon as your husband is on the road to recovery catch up and find one. Voluntary work is for those with enough income to satisfy their needs and you don't sound as if that applies.
To build your confidence get a part time job even if it is a lunch time waitress at the local cafe or a few shifts at a care home it will get you out and mixing with others and you already have many of the skills needed. Maybe the various help groups will support you in the short term, by all mean try but long term you need to force yourself to do it.

[stardelightxxx]

I want change badly and that's why I want to move away asp to have that change and a fresh start for the two of us. I haven't been supported at all to him and I am being selfish with wanting to stay away move house etc. I just want it to be like it was before he got the dreaded disease. He said he can't do anything for at least 3 weeks and he gets information about houses sent to him but we would need at least £1500 for rent moving costs. He thinks if we found a place and had the money he would have to be helping with the packing because he has helped in the past when we have moved house. He doesn't realise that the removal men are there to do that and that's what you pay them to do. I don't know if it's a excuse to come out with that or that he just feels he needs to help by packing up stuff and helping. Anyway I feel I've had enough of everything. I'm dealing with depression myself at the moment and with what's going on with him, I just want to go to sleep and wake up not being me, to be someone else and to be feeling happy to be alive instead of wishing I was never born.

[David020549]

Moving house! That is the last thing you should be thinking about at present, it is a very very very bad idea, it will cause you and your husband a great deal of stress and will most likely delay his recovery. If you want to get away by all means have a holiday, your husband needs peace and quiet for his recovery also he may well be having some follow up treatment.
No, the removal men do not do it all, you pack everything into cases, throw out the rubbish they load it up and put it into the room you say, then leave.
Give him time to get his health back then life may well become the way you want it, there are no quick fixes.

[stardelightxxx]

Yes i agree for him to get better then start looking for somewhere else to move too. It's starting to get me down that now we cant have a sex life for quite some time and then he will have to take viagra now. Its nice to cuddle up at night in bed but im missing not having sex and know i couldnt do without it forever. Im glad hes had the operation but theres still alot more to get through and im missing that part of our marriage. How do other women cope in my situation. I feel i am being selfish but i have needs and im only human and want the physical side back but its so long to wait.

[David020549]

Very frequently on this forum women complain that their men are no longer interested in sex, this is because of many different reasons with no connection so you are not alone by any means. I entirely understand your fears and he will be having exactly the same concerns about not being able to respond to you as before.
There are no guarantees but if Viagra is the solution, lovemaking will become more organized than spontaneous, but that happens with older couples routinely. Here are also a range of other remedies even implants so most couples who want a sex life can find happiness, bearing in mind that prostate cancer mainly affects older men and they decide together that a cuddle is enough.
There is every reason to be optimistic as long as you are careful not to pressure him, showing disappointment when sex does not work can spoil any mans desire.

[stardelightxxx]

He had the operation and going to see the doctor in 2 weeks for a blood count, I'm hoping all is well and it has gone. I miss not having sex and even thou he had gave me oral sex it's not the same has the real thing. He's taking tablets and he said he can feel something down there when I have gave him oral but it doesn't get erected so I'm hoping it eventually will and we can have normal sex again one day. With xmas coming up he will be going on a works night out and staying away the night and there's a office woman who is married and 2 years ago she rand my husband up when I was in the car and it sounded like she said, don't forget to get me a present. He said she didn't say that and said to get your wife a present and it was office banter. Also when I checked the shopping receipt it showed two perfumes only one was in the bag. He said I hadn't looked properly but I did then he went down stairs came back up and got the perfume out of the bag. He said he bought 2, one for me and 1 for our daughter. I think he lied and got it for her now I've tried to put it at the back of my mind but with xmad coming round again and him staying away I wonder if he's cheating. I know he's had cancer and he said he has never cheated and only wants me I just can't forget 2 years ago and he said I can ring her up and ask her but she would lie to me anyway if she is cheating with him. So I don't know how to put it out of my mind and try and believe him even thou I'm still here 2 years later. What would anyone else do.

[stardelightxxx]

Any answers to this please?

[johnay]

I think you need to be thankful that he's had the surgery and is now recovering well. That he has told you that you are the only one for him should give you the confidence that he's telling you the truth. He loves you lots and has shown you that he wants to be sexual with you during his recovery. I don't know what you're worrying about as he has told you to ring this woman up if you are suspicious but you won't. I don't want to be rude but you are coming across as very needy when it really is the time for you to support your husband to the full while he recuperates not only from surgery but also the mental aspect of knowing he's had cancer. Bothering on about an imagined affair to your husband at this point in your lives comes over as being rather cruel in my eyes and I think you should be thankful for having a solid family life.It can take quite a long time to recover from this type of surgery so I think your love and patience are the most important thing for him just now not swamping him with your sexual needs and nonsense about imagined affairs.

[David020549]

I would very much doubt that he is having an affair with another woman so close after a prostate operation, maybe she is a long standing friend or colleague, certainly she sounds a good deal more sympathetic than yourself. Expecting a "performance" and things to be as they were is unreasonable, so if you really want the relationship with your husband to collapse just carry on as you are, eventually he will find someone nicer to live with.

[Lazz]

Husband stayed out the night to do with work, he came back today and asked if i was ok. Told him i wasnt and that i had been crying driving the car. Ive been very depressed because of a number of things. I spat at him and was pushing him a bit. i got so angry he could stay away and have a nice meals and i was stuck here and when he asks if i was ok i just went mad. Then i told him i want a divorce and then he pushed me so i went over the side of the couch and pulled my hair a little. He went out texted me and said i had pushed him to far and he felt ashamed and can never forgive himself then saying he as to end it theres nothing else now and he will text the kids one last time to say he loves them and he cant go on because of the shame and embarrassment. He did text our daughter who asked what was going on, she is 23. she said he told her he loves us so much. I rang him and texted and said to not put the kids through that and they have been through enough. He texted me to say hes done wrong and he now as to live with the consequences. He has pushed me in the past and put his hands around my throat. I was pushing and hitting him then, he has never done anything to me first its me who lashes out. For him to say about ending it all, is that what ive done to him.

nd asked if i was ok, told him i wasn't that i had been cryinb driving the car

[johnay]

Hey that all sounds dreadful

You ask if you have done this to him.

You came on this forum to ask for advice in your current situation and we gave some sound advice but from what I've read you have done the opposite.

In my opinion you have pushed him too far. He's recently had surgery and that is difficult and depressing a lot of the time but added to that your husband has had cancer as well to get his head around. You should have been pleased that he's had the chance to go and be sociable with his workmates at this point in his recovery in my opinion..

Yes I don't want to be hard but I think you really have pushed all of his buttons and you have reaped the consequences. Yes this is what you've done to him....You need to make amends and sort your behaviour out before he does do something drastic. If necessary you need to get some professional help urgently as this is impacting on your kids as well and yes they are involved now and yes they do notice when things aren't right...

[Lazz]

So johnay you think it's ok what he did to me instead of him just walking out? You think its ok he strangled me years ago and he as pushed me against the bedside cabinet giving me a nasty big bruise on my arm, When he also pushed my head down in the car against the gear stick? Is that because men stick up for men!