Three makes a crowd

[Jellybean queen]

HI, I have a lovely relationship, two years, he has asked me to move in.

But there are a few obstacles to us moving on. I am 60 and dont want to be alone for ever but my boyfriend lives in an old house which needs much tlc, has no washing machine, I do his washing and ironing.All okay with me BUT he has a young woman lodger, has been there 20 years! She pays very little rent doesn't pay any other households bills and is supposed to clean but washing up gets left piled up. Also has 4 dogs. Only works part time and spends rest of time with dogs. My boyfriend basically supports her lifestyle, while I'm alone all week and manage by myself. It's a real issue, which I struggle with. He always sticks up for her, and I'm wondering if he has feelings,although he denies this. I see no future in this, I can't live in a house where another woman rules the roost, I feel we can't be a normal couple together there. I wish I'd stopped this two years ago but I dont know whether to continue to live alone till seeing him weekends. (Carry on as usual)or stop the relationship altogether or put up that she will always be there with her dogs!

[snail]

Have you asked him to ask her to move out so that you can be like a proper couple living there? What did he say?

[Jellybean queen]

He knows why I won't move in, I asked him to restrict the number of dogs she has there but as one died another arrived and he won't even challenge her about that. If I give him an ultimatum and say her or me I don't think he would know what to do, he has had many girlfriends in the 20 years and she is still there!

[Minna]

You don't mention in your message that you love him, or that he loves you. I know that when you get to your sixties and are living on your own it's very tempting to move in with someone, for the companionship and closeness. Life may just be better living as a 'twosome'. Is this the case with you (and him??) or do you really love him?

Re. the other woman in his house - how do you think he would act if the boot was on the other foot and everything you describe (not paying much rent, not helping much around the house - is there some 'togetherness' going on..?) applied to a male lodger in your house. I suspect he wouldn't like it much.

If I were you, I would say that a condition for you moving in is that the other woman finds somewhere else to live (give her two months or so), then she is either out of the house, or you are not moving in. Don't give in on this - and, anyway, ask him to get a washing machine, then he can wash his own smalls - you are not his mother.

Good luck!

[Jellybean queen]

Thank you for your comments. Yes there is love, he says he loves me but I'm not sure. He fold his arms when I'm near him sometimes. I do suspect they are close but she keeps out of the way when I'm there. So don't see them together very much. She doesn't even buy loo roll! Twice we have gone there and its run out. She uses most of it for the dogs but he just buys more,, I'm getting irritated by her, although she hasn't done anything to me as such . In fact she never speaks much.If anything will break us up this will. I appreciate the feedback thank you. I'm working on the washing machine!

[snail]

I wonder what your boyfriend is getting out of the arrangement; I suppose he has guaranteed company that will never leave him.

I agree with Minna, although I don't really think 2 months is long enough if she has lived there as her home for 20 years. I think 6 months would be fair.

I also agree that you shouldn't give in about this. If he chooses her over you then the relationship has probably got as far as it can.