help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

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help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby get1 » Tue Apr 12, 2011 11:54 pm

hi, i'm male, in my 30's. divored next month, no kids involved. in a 5 month old relationship with c, also in her 30's, no kids. we work together and always got on very well, very flirtatious and good fun. i found myself single and took a chance on asking her out, a big chance as she generally hated
men did not trust them due to cheating etc etc. turns out i was the first person she had dated or slept with for 3 years. she would'nt date or see anyone due to her mistrust of men.
when together we get on great, very affectionate, loving, great sex and when we go out for food or drinks we always have a great time. she is not so keen on socialising, less than me but we have worked round that okay, 12 years of marriage taught me you take someone for what they are and not what you want them to be/do.
we've been away for a couple of nights and that also went well. we spoke at lenght about going on holiday and have booked a couple of weeks away in sep and dec this year. after discussion we both felt that we would still be together then.
so its all good.
or is it.
as i say we work together but i stress its not everyday and often go days without seeing each other in work and sometimes we are on shift togther. work has not been a problem. we both kinda like seeing each other around.
when apart, it is different. we have had a couple tiffs and these usually have occured due to kisunderstandings over sausage texts, mostly my fault i hasten to add. c can be insenstive at times, she admits this, saying the wrong thing completely or and generaly putting her foot in it, not vindictively, just a bit thoughtless. she is a very kind and decent person. this is not helped by me being a sensitive and insecure person with many long standing anxieties about myself though anti-depressants are helping with that. so this is where we have clashed a few times, we take each other the wrong WAY but we have always talked it through and worked it out. i describe IT as starting to mould ourselves around each other. i can be described as moody and huffy at these times. c admits she can be as well. people eh?
c has spells where it is clear she does not want me around, usually when feeling down (she also needs anti-depressants) or hormonal. she tends to be more blunt and 'insensitive' at these times. she also has commitments to her nieces and nephews in terms of babysitting and often at short notice which throws our plans into dissaray, again i'm accepting of this and have never went in the huff about that.it means at times we spend little time togther.i find that hard.
c rarely tells me she loves me, this troubles me, as i love her very much. we have had a couple of drunken conversations about settling down togther, at the least next year, and having a kid, getting married etc. we have briefly discussed this when sober and the best c will say is that she would definetly consider marrige etc next year.
i hate it but i have to ask her if she loves me, she says she does. texted 'luv and kisses to you, goodnight' earlier tonight. the reply was 'goodnight'. that is fairly typical at times of c's stand offish texts. i find this hard.she readily admits to being rubbish at texting. she is really bad at texting ](*,)
all these things lead me to the conclusion that she she does not love me and will end this relationship soon. yet when we are togther, quite literally all is well in the world.
is it me? is it her?
please help me get my head straight!
thank you.
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby get1 » Wed Apr 13, 2011 12:02 am

i would like to add i have no idea how the word sausage got in there. it not there when i tried to edit the post.weird but funny.i'm not being rude.
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby get1 » Wed Apr 13, 2011 12:22 am

i forgot to say that c tells me that she is getting used to relationships again. it has been years since she dated and says that she is in the habit of being alone at times and not having to consider someone else in her plans etc. i thought that was worth adding.
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby Ticktock » Wed Apr 13, 2011 7:16 am

The first thing to say is SLOW DOWN, you aren't even out of your previous marriage and are barely into this new relationship and you are already talking about marriage, talk about rebound!

The problem you have is that while you need constant reassurance that you are loveable, your partner is an island alone and has been for a long time, such people rarely change habits.

I think you already have an inkling of this but your emotional rollercoaster doesn't have very good brakes. She is giving you all the signals that this may not continue, that she may just decide being alone is what she wants, you just need to be ready for this or there will be the most awful mess and you will lose what sounds like a good friend.

Who knows if you give her time and space she may decide to commit in the way you want, but set a reasonable time limit on that as you could find yourself years down the line without anything to show for it.

Finally be honest with yourself why your previous marriage failed, are you repeating patterns in this relationship, attempting to get right what went wrong last time?
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby get1 » Wed Apr 13, 2011 7:37 am

oh i'm just up. thank you ticktock. you make sense up to a point. c does say she wants to be with me and loves me 100% and cannot imagine her life without me now. but she has spoken many times about how she struggles with how to be in a relationship. she says she has always wanted to meet the someone but has also said she has been in bad habits as she been alone for so long. i'am well prepared for the relaionship ending, its in my head constantly.
things have moved quickly since we got together but i think thats a preogression from the fact that before we got together we were very firendly and close beforehand.
we have been texting a lot less which i think helps. we are due to see each other tonight and have plans for the next few days or so. me being me will always ask whats happening, when we meeting etc but i think i'll just let c decide what she wants to do.
my marriage had been dead for years and i met someone else and thats why i finished it. that relationship did not work out and thats why i found myself single.
my heart breaks at the tought of losing this but i think i have to accpet its just not going to work out which is very sad as we are fantastic together.
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby jen » Wed Apr 13, 2011 9:30 am

Hiya

Ok first i want to say slow down a bit. You've just written off this relationship before it's really begun.

She says she loves you and can't imagine life without you. You have booked holidays together and discussed potential marriage etc. What makes you think it's going to end?

Just because she's not as "lovey dovey" as you doesn't mean she loves you any less. I'm the same in that respect because my other half will tell me all the time that he loves me and texts me really lovey dovey stuff as well but to be honest that's just not me. I will tell him i love him too if he says it but i'm just not the type of person who needs to say it a lot to prove i'm feeling it. I wouldn't ever expect my husband to change himself but i also don't expect him to expect me to change.

Sorry if that was a bit confusing. Basically the point i'm trying to make is, don't think just because she doesn't say it or text it a lot that she doesn't love you. She has already told you she does. Don't write off the relationship before it's had a chance to begin and also remember your own words about having to come and go with each other.

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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby get1 » Wed Apr 13, 2011 9:55 am

thanks jen, i'm online just as the reply came in, thanks for your kind words. i do tell myself that there is absolutely nothing to indicate that she wants to end the relationship, nothing at all. she does and has told me she loves me very much and is very happy with me. she also told me she feels sorry for my wife and ex as they lost me, she thinks they must have been devastated to lose me as i'am so 'wonderful'-although i struggle to understand why someone would think that of me.
i should also further underline that she is on a 3 monthly contraceptive injection, approx 2 months after she has had it she admits she becomes grumpy,moany and bad tempered and wants to be alone-women and hormones :evil: . she is due her injection again in couple of weeks, so i know she, ahem,is fragile just now. her demeanor defo changes at this time.
during one of our 'tiffs' last week i did say to her that if she is unsure of how she feels about us or if she thinks she cannot 'cope' with a relationship then i would step back and if need be let us finish. i stressed i needed to give her that opportunity as i'm 'damaged goods' and that i want her to be happy and if that means she goes back to her previous life then so be it. essentialy she responded by saying 'look, i'm still here, i did'nt end this, we are happy and we can work through these things'. there is also an in joke at work (very few people know about us) that she will dump me before the end of the year, we were laughing about this and she said its just a joke and that wont be happening.
god i'm hard work.
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby snail » Wed Apr 13, 2011 10:41 am

To be honest, given that you both have some significant personal issues (you're both actually on medication for depression, and you both seem to have problems in relationships with the opposite sex) I think you've done well to get this far. There must be strong bonds holding you together.

Can't you use some other form of contraception? Hormonal forms don't seem a good idea at all if she already suffers from depression. It would probably also help the relationship between you if you both worked on your own issues through counselling or similar talking therapy.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby get1 » Wed Apr 13, 2011 11:25 am

thank you snail, wise words and not one of the ways i've been looking at things. we both have 'baggage' in terms of relationships and yes we are both on anti-depressants (mild to moderate depression, nothing too serious or suicidal or anything like that). anyway, yes, a good way to look at it, despite our own anxities and baggage with relationships we are still happy, working through issues and have both agreed that we will work through any issues that crop up.
i think a well that it will take time for us to mould as i've came from a long term relationship and she has came from no relationships in a long time. you've also got me thinking that she has been alone so long and, thus far has chosen to be with me, book holidays, met her pals etc. that is a compliment in itself.
we have been around together at work this morning and we have been having a laugh but i can tell she's grumpy and in a mood.i wonder is it because she is sick of me and hates me or just cos she is hormonal/down. her gp did suggest to her yesterday about increasing her anti-depressants.
i'm finding all this very helpful. i'm quite a lonely and private person and its helpful to hear others thoughts.
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby snail » Wed Apr 13, 2011 3:49 pm

get1 wrote:i would like to add i have no idea how the word sausage got in there. it not there when i tried to edit the post.weird but funny.i'm not being rude.

Forgot to say, the site has a swear filter on it as it is often used by young people. You must have used a naughty word, and it was automatically replaced with 'sausage' as your post went live. :lol:
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby brendo » Thu Apr 14, 2011 1:21 am

Hi Get,

Just wanted to focus on a few things you've said already:
i wonder is it because she is sick of me and hates me or just cos she is hormonal/down.

i'am well prepared for the relaionship ending, its in my head constantly.
i did say to her that if she is unsure of how she feels about us or if she thinks she cannot 'cope' with a relationship then i would step back and if need be let us finish


You seem to be dooming the relationship already, so afraid of it ending that you're giving C every opportunity to call it quits just so that this fear can be lifted. You are like a tense passenger in car, knotted up in ball, waiting for the collision with another vehicle that might never come. But you don't want that to happen either, you don't want this relationship to fail. You are so in love with her that you live in fear of loosing her. C is obviously very special to you.

I think that you're worried that you may not be as important to C as she is to you. That's a pretty rational fear. There's no answer to that question though, as only C knows the truth in her heart. So really you need to focus on you and your self worth - don't forget what you have to offer C in this relationship: affection, love, great sex(as you said yourself!), good communication, support, self evaluation and recognition(an extremely rare quality), patience, understanding, acceptance and flexibility. You understand when she has difficult times and you support her in whatever manner she needs or wishes at that time. Honestly, you are making all of the right move here, any woman would be chuffed to bits in this relationship.

As for C herself, she expresses herself differently than you. This is not a bad thing, opposites attract as they say. She may not express much love or emotion via texts but this is not a reflection on you, maybe she just finds texting a cold and impersonal means of communication (I certainly do!). Besides, her actions speak louder than words. She's booked two holidays with you and drunkenly spoke of settling down with you (a drunk mind speaks a sober heart). You have stated that she recently said 'look, i'm still here, i did'nt end this, we are happy and we can work through these things'. LISTEN to her.

The key thing to remember here is that you and C are still together. You've stuck it out this far because you've both been communicating your issues clearly to each other. That is the perfect foundation of a good relationship. Keep talking. You're not hard work - relationships themselves are hard work. Every single person brings baggage into a relationship, don't forget that. And recognise that you have learned things from this baggage too. You understand C's difficulties in relation to her medications etc and you understand and support her in her struggles. You're just frightened right now. You're head over heels for C and you fear you'll loose her some day soon. Maybe you will, maybe you won't. Right now though, you're on solid ground. Make the most of today and tomorrow will take care of itself.

All the best
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” -Albert Einstein
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby get1 » Thu Apr 14, 2011 7:26 am

thank you brendo, very kind of you. in my more rational and secure moments i have great confidence in what we have. and i agree about what she said about what she felt when she was drunk (we we were not paraletic, just a few wines and beers). she has said it twice now after a couple of glaases of wine. i certainly felt she was not paying me lip service. and yes she is still here, i need try and focus on what i've got and not what i think i'm going to lose.
c has just left for work. we had a lovely night, a good laugh, c was very affectionate as usual. i did not push things or seek out re-assuraces (as i can be guilty of) other than telling her i loved her after we had sex (well sex of a sort, cipramil can cause inability to acheive orgasm at times-it happens, no big deal-we both understand this and accept it) and she told me she loved me as well, it did'nt sound false or anything like that. we were chatting later on about this and that and she, quite spontaneously said she wanted to be with me 110% which was a nice thing to say.
we spoke seriously about how we have not seen as much of each other recently. c told me her 7 year old niece who is a massive part of her life has been very clingly recently and does not want to let her down. i get that. we think her niece may be more clingly because 1. its the easter holidays here in scotland and 2. having met her niece a few times she may see me as a threat as such. we have agreed that i should spend more time with c and her niece together. as i say, her niece is a huge part of her life and if i'm gonna be around then we have to get to know each other better.
thanks and any further thoughts and advice, however small are greatly appreciated. i really am finding this very helpful.
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby get1 » Fri Apr 15, 2011 11:18 am

hmmmmmmmm. c and i had a really nice day at work yesterday, a good laugh and being very flirty with each other. it was nice. then last night it was back the the lack of texts and the texts that she sent were quite cold and sterile. even when i texted that i was feeling good and felt my anti-depressants were working well, which they are. i'm off work today and i've not heard from her. i probably wont see c until monday now due to work commitments and c looking after her niece. why are we so great when we are togther but when apart c is quite cold and standoffish.confused again.
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby Skarlet » Fri Apr 15, 2011 11:25 am

I think you need to relax abit. There is no way you can tell intonation from text messages and there is always misunderstanding and misdirection when you try and put a tone to a text. I can be horrendously short in text, but that doesn't mean I am annoyed or standoffish, it means I was texting in a hurry. Text is not something you can use to judge a persons feelings. Voice/phonecalls are better.
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Re: help.long story.very mixed up and scared.HELP!!

Postby get1 » Fri Apr 15, 2011 11:38 am

Skarlet wrote:I think you need to relax abit. There is no way you can tell intonation from text messages and there is always misunderstanding and misdirection when you try and put a tone to a text. I can be horrendously short in text, but that doesn't mean I am annoyed or standoffish, it means I was texting in a hurry. Text is not something you can use to judge a persons feelings. Voice/phonecalls are better.



i know what you are saying, i just find it hard, the lack of interest when we are not together. i just like to hear from c, hear how she is doing, what she is up to. i just feel sometimes that she is not interested in me. am i going mad.
i remembered something from yesterday re. texting. as i say, c is pretty rubbish at texting. anyway, there was a big fight at work yesterday and i texted a few colleagues (including c) what had happened, just an office gossip type text. c, within minutes was tecting and phoning non-stop asking what had happened. i was a bit annoyed with that but did not say anything. c is not good at texting me but became very good at texting/phoning me when there was gossip at work. ](*,)
am i being oversensitive?
thanks for your thoughts.
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