Jealousy and control

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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby sez » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:17 pm

Bel Bel wrote:WELL THE ONE SHE HAS HAD SEX WITH AND ONLY OCCASIONALLY SEES I HAVE TO AGREE WITH YOU- sorry on caps :oops:
The other guy i see differently. She has never done anything with him upto now so why do you think she might in the future.
If he was her friend before you met then i don't think you have the right to stop her seeing him
Why are ypou so sure this guy would try it on with your girl? So what if he fancies her, you cn't stop peopel fancying other people but that doesn't mean they don't have bounderies.
Also if your g/f did decide to do something with him it just shows she isn't committed to you, maybe it would be better to find that out sooner than later
The problem is if you try to stop her that could be what ultimately pushes her away. People don't like to be controlled and told what to do.
Have you spoken with her about this and what are her feelings on the subject?


We have talked about both these guys. She seemed annoyed about me not wanting to see the one she had sex with before, but she didn;t want me seeing a friend of an ex of mine. There was no past between me and this girl, nor was I attracted to her, but I respected her feeling on the matter. I thought it would only be fair for her to respect mine as well, especially considering the sexual history there. She has not been in touch with him because she says she doesnt care for him and loves me. So I have no worries on her part of anything happening. As I have said, I am not worried about my g/f doing anything, I know she wouldn't, but I don't like the thought of someone trying it on with her and putting her in that situation...and then me hearing about it! I think anyone would feel that way though.

As for the other guy, he is a sleezy person. I have met him, and the way he talks to women is cheesy and sleezy, and I know he has fancied my g/f for a long time. I know she wouldn't do anything and she told me that nothing has or would ever happen, but let slip about a 'thing' they do. He is a local dj (not really a close friend, but they are friendly), and he knows her and all her mates. When they go out, my g/f greets him by them both giving a kiss on both cheeks and a peck on the lips. I told her I wasn't happy about it, and saw it as cheating not in a serious way, but because I see kisses as being quite an intimate thing between people. And I wouldn't like the thought of kissing her after he had 'been there' so to speak in that intimate way. Call me old fashioned (even though I'm 20 lol), but I wasn't comfortable with it because of his feelings towards her. I think that's going over the boundary, which I think is fair. He was chatting her up and trying it on, saying that he didn't like me cus she was going out with me (while was in another country at Uni!). She told me about it and I was really pi**ed off by how cheeky that was, he knew I was with her, but yet was sayng stuff like that! How can I let a guy like that be friends with my girlfriend? I know I can't stop people fancying her, she gets looked at left right and center when we go out, but I just ignore it because I know she loves me and wants to be with me (this was a big issue for a while as I thought she was looking at other guys because they kept looking at her, but we talked and sorted it out). This is my first serious relationship, and it's been a big learning curve.

The main point I was making is don't judge people if they do these things or feel this way, as it may be the things you are doing, or other people or are doing to you, that is causing it. Maybe not major things to you, but others see things in different ways, and in a loving relationship I feel that sometimes people have to make some sacrifices every now and again to respect their partners feelings. I don't think I am overly jealous and/or controlling because of this, as I have good reasons to feel this way.
Last edited by sez on Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby sez » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:31 pm

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:I wouldn't stop her seeing the guy she slept with - was she in a relationship when she previously met him; if not then no harm done. Now she is in a relationship; it doesn't mean to say she will do it again.

As for the guy trying it on with her; so what? So long as she doesn't act on it thats ok; what happens if she goes on a night out and some guy tries it on with her - its the same principle.

I'd say to her that you were worried about the situation and would she call/text regularly. Make it clear you are not happy about the situation. But if you stop her seeing her friends she'll resent you for it.


She has stopped me seeing friend's, so why can't I ask for the same thing?

One night she said she was going out and wasn't going to text or ring me the whole night because she wanted to be with her mates. I understood but thought it was very strange, and I've heard it before, and she went to the place that DJ was and stayed there even though she wasn't planning on going there in the 1st place. Came home early mind you cus her mates wanted to go somewhere she didn't, but I was at Uni in another country so I think you can understand how I felt when I found out she had went to the place that DJ was playing. That's when she told me about him saying he didn't like me cus I was with her. Probably in jokey way, but I didn't like it.

I have said that if she was to meet these people randomly I wouldn't mind, but I do feel uneasy about her being with them because of the guys, not her. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am.
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:55 pm

sez wrote:She has stopped me seeing friend's, so why can't I ask for the same thing?

...


I have said that if she was to meet these people randomly I wouldn't mind, but I do feel uneasy about her being with them because of the guys, not her. Am I being unreasonable? I don't think I am.


I wouldn't have stopped seeing my friends for her. Lay it down to her she stopped you seeing your friends; she should at least try and be more accommodating. My Bf had issues about jealousy when we were first going out and I'd said to him I'll either lie to you that I'm not going out or I can tell you the truth and you'll accept it - it was his choice what he got; I just text him during the night and text when I am in. The point is if she doesn't want to stop seeing her friends and you push her she'll end up lying to you about it. If she 100% wants to meet them then tell her you aren't happy with the idea but you'd rather know the truth and have contact during the night.

I think it was wrong of her to ask you not to see your friends when she isn't planning on going by the same theory herself. If she expects you to do it then she should be should repay the favour for you.
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 14, 2009 5:35 pm

i agree with dipsy last sentance totally
you are also right about the kissing thing it's a bit much, two kisses on the cheek but lips too
and whilst i understand your feeling on it dipsy is also right when she says your g/f could start lying so it's best not to give her a hard time for telling the truth but talk it out in a mature way putting forward how much it hurts you and reminding her that if you were to act the same with the ex's friend she wouldn't like it ,actually name the ex's friend when talkin, making something seem more real by using a real example often helps people to actually think about how it would feel if the roles where reversed.
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby sez » Wed Jan 14, 2009 5:53 pm

Bel Bel wrote:i agree with dipsy last sentance totally
you are also right about the kissing thing it's a bit much, two kisses on the cheek but lips too
and whilst i understand your feeling on it dipsy is also right when she says your g/f could start lying so it's best not to give her a hard time for telling the truth but talk it out in a mature way putting forward how much it hurts you and reminding her that if you were to act the same with the ex's friend she wouldn't like it ,actually name the ex's friend when talkin, making something seem more real by using a real example often helps people to actually think about how it would feel if the roles where reversed.


Lol, if I said my ex's mates name or talked about her my g/f would ask, pretty sternly, for me to stop saying her name because she didn't want to hear it, so I know what you mean and it works! lol. It's the same for me when she talks about them guys too! lol. As for the kissing thing, I said I didin't even want her hugging him. I see no reason why, if they were just friends and he knew his boundaries, a simple hello and/or wave would not suffice. It's not like she is ignoring him! I think he quite likes the way he has women under his 'super cool dj', 'I'l put on any song you want...if I get a wee kiss' attitude, and I despise guys like that. I think they are pervy and have a bad image of women...if you don't understand by what I'm saying you would if you met this guy cus he'd probably be grating cheese all over your head, you can smell his cheese a mile away! lol

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:I think it was wrong of her to ask you not to see your friends when she isn't planning on going by the same theory herself. If she expects you to do it then she should be should repay the favour for you.


Well, I think we both feel this way about at least one person each other knows, and we have talked this stuff over and came to our own conclusions on what to do. I wasn't writing in this thread primarily for advice about this (thanks anyway though, have taken on board some good points!) or for any sort of tit for tat reason, just that I thought this thread could make people a bit too judgmental of others without really seeing or understanding reasons for certain behaviour, and was just trying to give another point of view.

I agree with you on your point above dipsydoodlenoodle, and she is doing it for me because I did it for her. I have no reason or solid evidence that she has or will cheat on me, mainly because I don't think she would as we love each other very much, but I'm afraid of something happening like one of them guys kissing her or something out of the blue. Even if she pulled away immediately I would be outraged at the other person and just don't want to be put in that situation, and I feel it is quite likely to happen with the two guys I'm talking about. I mean, my g/f is still friends with an ex, and I have no problem with that because they were very good friends beforehand and the relationship only lasted 2 months or so. He is a nice guy and I know he respects my g/f, and me too which is nice. I don't think the same of the other guys do though, so I don't trust them. My g/f feels similar, she thought the girl she asked me not to see would be the same. And to be honest, I couldn't really say I knew she wouldn't be to her so was ok with it because the way I see it, you do onto others as you would have them do onto you. I didn't want some girl to try it on with me and have to tell my g/f and cause problems etc, so I like the way we worked it out. And she doesn't mind wither because she asked the same of me.
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Jan 14, 2009 5:58 pm

sez wrote:
if you met this guy cus he'd probably be grating cheese all over your head, you can smell his cheese a mile away! lol





:rofl:
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby saramidnite » Sun Feb 01, 2009 11:48 pm

Hi i hauent been with a guy that abuse me. But my mum has. My dad was abusiue towards her and me. Then she went on to marry my step dad. 14years on my dad still try to control her. Myself and my sister. My stepdad also abuses my mum but she been with him for 13years and dont want to leaue him. I am worried for my baby sister. I wish my mum would leaue him. She is always complaining about him. She wont doing anything about it or take any aduice
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Feb 02, 2009 10:33 am

no unfortunately these abuses have a hold over the woman they abuse. My step dad was very violent to my mum and she just wouldn't leave despite friends, family and me telling her to. She did finally get the courage up to leave but it took 15 years of abuse before she found the courage. It's like one day a switch goes in their head and they suddenly get the strength to do something about it.
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby busystudent » Thu Apr 02, 2009 10:01 pm

My sister could have been going out with that guy! That's exactly how her ex boyfriend behaved towards her. She was with him for 2 years and during that time she fell out with her entire family, her extended family (every aunt, uncle, grand parent warned her he was trouble), she fell out with her friends and she turned into an angry, horrible person because she was living with an angry horrible person. They broke up several times and everytime he would tell her how sorry he was and how he loved her so much and that he wanted them to settle down and have a family. Thankfully my sister eventually saw sense and dumped him. She's so much happier now, it's like she's a different person.
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:07 am

busystudent wrote:loved her so much and that he wanted them to settle down and have a family. Thankfully my sister eventually saw sense and dumped him.


That is good news
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby pinkroses » Wed Jun 10, 2009 2:06 pm

I ended up in a relationship like this, for 4 years, and the guy I met before that was like it too, I wish I had got this post a long time ago, but its great that someone has said it, and everything that has been said is very very true.
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby shorty_0383 » Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:18 pm

Its scary how many people can actually relate to this... as can i!
What a brilliant post.... my ex did pretty much all of those things... i was just the lucky one i guess!!! i got out early!
I think the more people that know about this sort of thing and talk about it....well...the better! xx
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby bubba.bub » Wed Jun 17, 2009 4:46 pm

I have experienced a relationship with a man who displayed all the signs you mentioned, for me it was a confusing time as I was not sure if I was the problem or if he was the problem. He was very good at putting the blame for his problems on me and if anything it destroyed my self confidence making me think that he would be the only person who would accept me.. this leading to me not leaving him. Its been three years since this relationship and I have grown so much since then as I felt very restricted by him. I'm glad you have posted this as I believe women should be aware of this kind of man and not have to suffer belittling and abuse this kind of man could cause you.
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jun 18, 2009 11:51 am

Anyone who really loves you wants to see you happy, confident and enjoy life to the full
I implore anyone who is in a relationship like this to get out
Your gut feeling tells you that you are right but they maniulate and convince you that you are worng becasue of there own insecurities
Do you wnat your life to continue on like this
Often these people can turn to violent later in the relationship to continue keeping control
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Re: Jealousy and control

Postby LME79 » Sat Jun 20, 2009 10:56 am

My goodness, just re-read the original post of this ... this TOTALLY describes a guy I went out with when I was 18. He told me he loved me on the first date (!!), stopped seeing all his friends so I wouldn't see mine, he used to ring my mobile at 15 minute intervals if I didn't pick up on the first go, he didn't hit me but he was verbally abusive and tried to grind me down mentally. He once sent me an e-mail towards the end of the 'relationship' that basically told me I was thick and wasn't going to get anywhere in life which is funny because ten years on, I have quite a high powered job.

I only stayed with him for 8 months before ditching him - I didn't ever ditch my friends but I felt I had to tiptoe around him as if I was having some sort of affair which was mental. If anyone ever tries to stop you from seeing your friends then I'm afraid you're on a losing road as it will only get worse. My ex got extremely obsessive and used to turn up at my university after lectures and into the shop where I was working ALL THE TIME and his excuse was "well, I ditched all my friends for you so I could committ 100%", or something along those lines. If it ever looks like a man/woman is doing this - DITCH THEM ASAP because it will not be pretty in years to come.
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