Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

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Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby MrsD86 » Mon Oct 05, 2009 3:33 pm

Hi all,
I'm hoping someone can give me some good advise about my dreaded mother in law.

I have been with my now husband for 3 years, and we have a baby boy together, who is now 10 months old.
From the word go, I've had my problems with my mother in law, but for the sake of my husband, have put these to the back of my head for my husbands sake.
We announced we were getting married in January last year - everyone was happy for us, except the mother in law. She was hellbound on ruining our plans. She said she would be changing the button hole I bought her because it wouldn't "suit" her outfit, she threatened on numerous occasions that she would not be attending the wedding as she felt "left out". She even said this 2 hours before our wedding was due to take place!
So, the wedding day arrives, and she turns up with my sister in law looking like a pair of bridesmaids. Not once did she congratulate us, not even her own son. All evening she whined that the food wasn't good enough, that her room wasn't up to standard, that the music was awful. She was really trying to ruin it.
The next day, she left the venue without saying goodbye to any of my family. My family are the reason the wedding went as well as it did - they paid for everything, and were trying so hard to make it as special as possible. It seemed the mother in law, step father in law, and the brother and sister in laws were trying to do the opposite.
Then, we announced we were having a baby. Her Grandson. She was not interested in the slightest. She didn't congratulate us, just carried on talking about herself.
Our baby was born. She didn't offer to help at all, she dropped him twice in the space of a week, complained we didn't make her feel welcome (we were tired, had a new baby, and all she cared about was getting her cup of tea!)
Now, my parents were the opposite. Rallied around, cleaned up for us, made us dinner, took our baby so we could have a break. They were god-sends.

So now, my hubby had a huge row with her after our wedding because pretty much all of our guests at the wedding complained she was rude to them. She barged into my family, was rude to certain members, and made no effort whatsoever to be friendly.
She hasn't seen our baby in 3 months now (last time she saw him was at our wedding) - she hasn't asked to, just keeps going on about the "accusations" people made at our wedding which was 3 months ago!!
I hate her. I don't want anything to do with her, and neither does my hubby. But we are stuck as to what to do now.
She clearly has no interest in seeing her grandson, yet she goes around saying we are STOPPING her from seeing him. We have never done that! She's turned all of my hubby's family against us. My hubby has lost contact with his siblings, aunts, uncles, everyone. Because she is making up rumours, and we have done nothing at all wrong.

Could someone guide us from here?
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Oct 05, 2009 3:55 pm

The best thing you can do is keep her out of your life
If family members choose to believe her lies without considering your side of the story then they too are not worthy of your time. Surely other family members have seen for themselves her behaviour. In time maybe they will realise they were wrong to take her side if that is what they have done.
However are you actually sure these other family members believe her or are you just assuming? Have you tried to talk to any of them about how difficult things are and see if they have any suggestions. Could it be they just don't want to take sides.
I know it's hard because they are his family but the mum in law sound totally toxic and will not bring anything good to your sons life
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby MrsD86 » Mon Oct 05, 2009 4:00 pm

Hi Bel Bel
Thanks for your reply.
Yes we have both tried to talk to family members, but none of them reply to any messages. They ignore phone calls, text messages, emails, you name it. They have quite clearly taken her side over something so ridiculous.
My sister in law tries to see our son all the time, but I have been cautious as she makes lies up all the time. I worry this will make things worse. I tried contacting her myself today but she is ignoring me, will only speak to my hubby. I just dont understand what I am supposed to have done wrong. I feel it's me they have the problem with - there is no reason why they should dislike me - I know it is down to the mother in law spreading bad karma around.
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Oct 05, 2009 4:04 pm

It's easy for the in laws to hate you becasue you ar not their family but your husband needs to clearly tell them he stands hsoulder to shoulder with you on all the decisions and is as hurt as you are by his families actions. He needs to tell them to stop blaming you and if they can't treat you respectfully as his wife then they will lose out seeing your son. Make your husband fight the fight with his family not you
It does sound like the family have taken sides but if it's becaue of lies she will end up alienating others eventually and they will then realise why you did what you did.
You could all go for some family conselling but from what you have said I doubt you would get your mum in law to agree
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Tue Oct 06, 2009 10:45 am

I agree with Bel Bel. If MIL is causing trouble then your husband needs to be the one to say something; if she wont grow up and realise her son has married a lovely lady and has a lovely son then it's her loss.
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby MrsD86 » Tue Oct 06, 2009 8:42 pm

Hiya, and thanks for your replies.

This leads to another problem...my hubby standing up to her.
He's got such a laid back attitude when it comes to his family, he won't stand up to them unless they are literally in his face. If someone says something bad about me to him, he will change the subject and shrug it off. It's like he doesn't want confrontation. This naturally hurts me alot, but he says the reason he doesn't "go off on one" is because he doesn't like getting into sticky situations - he would prefer to ignore it ever happened.

He doesn't speak to his Mum and hasn't done since our wedding - that is his was of getting back at her, so to speak. Ignore her. But his sister has bad mouthed me many a times to him, and he will not stand up to her - just changes the subject and forgets she said it.

Why does he do this? It's really beginning to bug me. I think if his Mum said anything to him about me he would say something, but why is it with the rest of his family he wont stand up to them?

Thanks for your advice. I do not plan on speaking to the MIL anytime soon. She's missed out on a beautiful grandson. And she only has herself to blame for that.
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Oct 07, 2009 8:34 am

MrsD86 wrote:I think if his Mum said anything to him about me he would say something, but why is it with the rest of his family he wont stand up to them?


Maybe he just doesn't feel comfortable arguing or standing up to other family members.
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Oct 07, 2009 12:17 pm

This is not nice for you. Can you tell hubby until they are willing to treat you with respect you don't wnat the sister in law seeing your son either.
He says he doesn't like confrontqation but tell him if he doesn't sort it he will get confrontation from you, he can't expect you to keep taking this
Ultimatley it will come to a head at some point and he can either control it or stand by and watch what happens and that could be alot worse outcome
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby MrsD86 » Wed Oct 07, 2009 8:34 pm

I've threatened him before. If he doesn't stand up to his family, I will make him choose. That sounds horrible, but me and our son are his family now. Like I say he doesn't speak to his Mum which suits me just fine, but he is meeting his sister on Friday, without me. This really irritates me, because she's getting what she wants - her brother - without the "baggage".

We'll see what happens after Friday, but I really can't take much more of this. This has been going on for over a year now - there is only one word that links them all - selfish.
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Oct 08, 2009 12:02 pm

perhaps that is the best solution though, let him see his sister without you and tell him you don't wish to have anything to do with what they got up to.
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby MrsD86 » Thu Oct 08, 2009 1:20 pm

Maybe you are right. She's asking to come round next week to see our son but I really do not want her in my house.

His Mum announced that she and her horrible other half are getting married next year...and guess when they announced it? The day before OUR wedding. Thought I'd throw that in too!
Feel better now I've had a good old rant. We'll see what happens from here, but it's just the not knowing that gets to me more than anything!
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Re: Mother in Law - what do I do from here?

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Oct 08, 2009 3:21 pm

You can always tell you hubby to take your son out to meet your sister in law rather than her come to your house. Or you could use the time to go out and pamper yourself or go shopping
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