Did i do the right thing?

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MayaJay
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Did i do the right thing?

Post by MayaJay » Sun Oct 13, 2019 6:58 pm

A few months ago a co worker came out and said he liked me and asked me out on a date which i went on. I didn't know him that well but the date was nice and i was willing to go out again. During this time i was actually looking for another job and was offered a very big offer in a totally different industry so i told him that i wanted to cool things down and concentrate on my new job as it's a big change and if we were both single/willing to give dating/a relationship a go then we should try. He seemed to get it at first but after a week he was messaging me all the time asking me to go out, even planned this whole elaborate dinner which personally i would only do that if i was in a relationship or if i was really into someone. Anyway again i told him no and it seemed fine. I didn't want to upset him as he has anxiety and known depression.

Anyway cut to today i ended up losing my new job as i was really ill and they wanted someone with more experience (very long story) He was still messaging me asking how it was all going and i was blunt told him what had happened and that i planned to take some time out to sort my head out and to get myself back on track. He's now sent me a very long message saying he wants a relationship and he's willing to let me set the pace etc. I have now resorted to being very blunt telling him straight that i am not interested in being in a relationship with anyone and i am again taking time out for myself. He is now ignoring me but I know how this is going to go now, he will be on Facebook uploading status's about how his anxiety has come back and there will be indirect things about me all over there. All throughout this it seemed that my mental health didn't matter and that it was all about him and that i am the devil for turning him down or cooling it. It also got me thinking about if we were in a relationship i feel like he would a 100% be controlling and someone who would want to know what i am doing 24/7 which i am not about. Have i handled it right?

reckoner
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Re: Did i do the right thing?

Post by reckoner » Thu Oct 17, 2019 12:21 pm

If he wants to have a relationship with you that you don't, there really is no other way to handle it but to tell him so, and it sounds like you've done that as firmly and fairly as you can.

His persistence sounds unsettling and it's understandable if that has pushed you to being very blunt but, by the same token, it's also understandable if that means he now wants to ignore you, and you'll just have to accept and ignore any passive aggressive social media posts that result. I suspect more flowery handling wouldn't have protected you much from that; people are inevitably hurt by rejection however it's dressed up.

That said, it might be nice to send him a message or something to apologise for being blunt and for hurting his feelings, explain that it wasn't your intention, that you enjoy his company and hope you can remain friends - to try to restore amicable relations with a work colleague and in an effort to be sensitive to his anxiety issues. However, if you do this, be careful about suggesting friendship if you don't really want one, or if there's a chance that he'll think that means more than it does.

I agree he sounds very intense and possibly controlling, but try not to feel angry or resentful at him for how you feel he's pushed you. Whatever you do, don't make any complaints about him or the situation to any other work colleagues. If he does try to paint you as the bad guy to others, expressing anger or blame at him will only make that seem true. Just be relieved that you dodged a bullet, treat him with understanding and compassion and don't contribute to any animosity.

Dave777
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Re: Did i do the right thing?

Post by Dave777 » Fri Oct 18, 2019 9:17 pm

I’ve done some dating in the last year and if after one date the lady was not accepting a second date I would simply move on. During the date I would have sensed how keen she was, you can never tell how a first date is going to go and even if you think it went swimmingly you get a polite thank you , then nothing, or even vice versa, you don’t think it went well and she calls back.
For me it’s simple either she wants a date or I’ll try another, for a man there is no shortage of women around 60 looking for a date, as far as a relationship goes you have both got to be keen before that is going to happen. I think I am pretty normal and was lucky after 5 dates I found a good match, quicker than I expected.

Apologize if you wish but don’t worry about it, you don’t fancy him, by talking about a relationship he pushed you further away, if you have other issues going on in your head the last thing you want is unwelcome advances to make it worse

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