What's happened to my beautiful daughter?

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Just Landed
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What's happened to my beautiful daughter?

Post by Cassie » Tue Jan 20, 2004 12:24 am

My daughter was the most beautiful child, she never caused any problems and everybody loved her and thought she was special.

Just over 3 years ago after graduating from university she met up with someone and changed almost immediately. We rarely saw her, her excuses being that she was busy studying a computer course and having a very busy social life. We accepted that, although it hurt that she couldn’t seem to find the time to visit her family.

She made promises like she would have us to stay with her, or she would take us out for a meal to celebrate our Silver wedding anniversary. We have never been invited to stay with her, and when it came to our Silver wedding anniversary, she couldn’t find the time to do anything as the weekend before she had to go to a wedding of somebody who was her partner’s friend. I can’t remember her excuse for the weekend after. She also came up with the excuse that she had not been born when we married, had never celebrated our anniversary so why should she start now. I even had to ask her to send us a card – to make it look to the rest of the family as though she cared. I think she was talking through his mouth, which she often seems to do now. She seems to have lost all her common sense.

Things have now deteriorated so badly that we have not spent Christmas day with her since she’s been with this person and this last Christmas when I sent her a perfectly nice invitation, I got the reply that they did not know what they were doing for Christmas because her partner might be working. They only live 30 miles away from us, so this sounded like a “No, we don’t have any intention of spending Christmas with you.” It all turned out very nasty (she said that my invitation was blackmail – his words again, I think!) and finished up that we did not send her any cards or presents for Christmas and have not spoken since the beginning of November. We tried to get things sorted out before Christmas and I got very distraught on the phone and she ended up slamming the phone down on me.

To cut a long story short, we suspect that her partner is set on breaking her away from her family and she’s allowing him to do it. She’s twisting everything that is said to put us in the wrong.

How can she do this to us? We were good parents. We did a lot for the two of them in the early days (i.e. when they moved into their new house, we went to their rented accommodation and my husband helped clear the jungle of the garden, while I helped clean the inside of the house, so they could get their deposit back. We were both smokers at the time (she’s been brought up with us smoking) and we had to go outside to smoke. She did not supply us with an ashtray, so we put the dog ends in an old plant pot. She had promised to take us out for a meal to thank us for our help, but all we eventually got was complaints about our dog ends!! We have never said anything bad about him – in fact we quite liked him at first, but now because we suspect he’s behind all these problems, we detest him. We haven’t said anything to her, just complained about him being very rude to us on occasions. She’s now using that against us – “you obviously don’t like ???? – how do you think that makes me feel?” Actually, we don’t like him at all now. He’s lazy, rude, doesn’t drive and a total waste of time. But we’ve never said anything like this to her, we haven’t taken a step wrong – we’ve bitten our tongues, and been pleasant.

We are now at a stage where my husband is going to see her on Wednesday to try to find out what’s going on. It’s not looking very hopeful, because when he asked her if she wanted to get things sorted out she replied “Yes and No – a lot has happened which might stand in the way.” I am convinced that she has now been completely brainwashed and is prepared to lose all her family for the sake of this one person. She used to be very close to my Mother who’s now quite elderly. How can she bear to break away from her and risk the chance of something happening to her, or even something happening to her parents? She apparently was breaking her heart on the phone, but nevertheless I suspect she won’t or can’t come round.

My husband is hurting, but is more able to appear emotionless about the situation, but it’s with me every waking hour. I can’t sleep at nights and feel quite murderous about her partner on many occasions now. Thankfully, there’s no talk of marriage or children, although she has said that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him. I think he’s too “odd” to do the “normal” things in life (which she wanted before she met him). I really feel that he needs her and is using her and she is mistaking that for love. If she really is suffering through all this (and according to my son she told him she cries herself to sleep at nights and has been physically sick), surely if he loved her, he would be encouraging her to get back with her family. I also worry that she’s got herself under some evil influence, in fact my imagination leads me to think of lots of nasty, frightening, situations.

If there’s anybody out there who has suffered a similar experience, I would gladly hear from them. Otherwise, if there’s anybody out there who can offer any advice or give me any idea of how a lovely person can change so much, I would love to hear.

Sorry, this is so long, but even sitting down writing about the situation has helped me a bit.

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Post by Llisa » Tue Jan 20, 2004 2:35 am

Hello luv, and welcome to Problem Pages.

You sound like a lovely lady. I can feel your pain through your words and know of your hurt.
I'll tell you about my sister. Before I was born, my sister was lovely individual...gorgeous both in looks and in personality. Shortly after I was born ( she was about 18 ), she began to see 'Albert'. Albert was a nice enough guy...but his values and sets of beliefs were very different from my families. Slowly, my sister began to change. She became wild looking and very reblious. She refused to attend church meetings with us, and spent all her spare time with Albert. Things became fairly rotten, and without getting into too many details...our family became broken.
I don't remember all that transpired, since I was very young, but in the end, Albert and my sister broke up, and she began seeing a completely wonderful guy, 'David'. He turned her back around and she became the amazing person that she once was. David and my sister have been married for 12 years now, have three beautiful boys, and own 2 very successful, highly renowned wedding decorating, and draping businesses.

I hope for your sake, and the sake of your families, that this is the case with your daughter. College and university do things to people- for a long time they've been under their parents watch and reign. College seems to set them free and allow them to explore different avenues.
This partner of hers may be as bad as you make him out to be, or he may really be a fairly decent guy. In any case, I highly suggest that you wade this one out. By the parent here, and go that extra mile to make sure your daughter knows that no matter what, you will always be there for her and love her.
Get to know her boyfriend as well. Invite the two of them out for dinner some evening. She may think that you're recoiling against him, and that would put a further rift between the two of you.
Above all else, keep your love for her unconditional, and no matter how she treats you, always remember that she is the daughter you love, and treat he with the same respect and reverence that you would desire of her. That alone might turn her attitude around.
Best of luck hun, and I'll be praying for you.
HE has all the answers

The wait for that perfect someone may be long and painful, but the payoff lasts even longer, and is the most painless thing in the world.

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Post by saz » Tue Jan 20, 2004 7:34 am

Hi Cassie. I got with a guy who tried to break me away from my family but i was very young when it started only 15 and it carried on for nearly 3 years. He was very controlling and kept telling me it was only because he loved me. He didn't like me seeing my family, going to family gatherings and never once came round to see my family. He was very insecure and wanted me all to himself. Sometimes when you are insecure yourself, you see this as love and that person cant bear to share you but really it is controlling and unfair.

Your daughter is an adult and is making her own decisions in this too. You dont say whether this is her first serious boyfriend but it might be that she is too naive to realise that this isn't how things should be.

I also found that the more my parents made a fuss and disliked my boyfriend, the more i saw him. Try not to blame everything on him because to them it just proves everything he says true - that you want to split them up, and you may push her further in his direction.

As far as she is concerned she is desparately trying to make an independent life for herself and her parents are trying to tell her she is doing the wrong thing with the wrong person, and it isn't what she wants to hear. She doesn't want to come round to your house with him when she knows you cant stand him and dont agree with her actions. It probably makes her feel guilty but she can justify it by thinking she is adored by him.

It sounds like both of them are very selfish and are not considering anyone elses feelings. As they get older or split they will realise that the world doesn't revolve round them and as a couple they have family responsibilities. He probably doesn't want her to go to see you alone (part of the controlling aspect he may worry she will actually listen to you about him), and refuses to go with her so she is stuck. She doesn't want him to be angry/upset and she has to live with him so she is choosing him over you.

My advice? I would take a big step back from them. If they want to have a go at making a home in the real world with no family support then let them. She has to realise that family are the most important thing, they will always be there for you. I am sure at some point she is going to get a wake up call. Hopefully this relationship wont last but for now bite your tongue, grin and bear it. Hard i know.

Dont blame yourself and leave the door open for whenever she wants to return. The funny thing is i bet once you stop calling and trying to talk to her, she wont have all the resistance and will realise how far she has pushed you. I would write her a letter telling her you love her and are willing to accept the relationship but you are hurt by her behaviour at the moment so you think it best to leave it down to her to make contact with you. She will in time she will miss you.
Doesn't really matter what the eye is seeing
cos i'm in love with the inner being

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Post by sovs » Tue Jan 20, 2004 1:08 pm


After reading your post it has made me feel quite sad.

I think the more you try to push her the worse the situation is getting.
My advice would be, when you husband goes to see her wednesday to say that you cant see this ever getting resolved so your going to keep out of her life for the moment.
Tell her you will always be there for her if she needs you but all this trouble is just ruining all of your lives.
Let her see what its like without you there, really without you...phone calls, letters, etc, i bet she will miss them.

On the other hand maybe she feels you wont let her have a life.
If shes starting up a life with someone and you keep trying to snake your way in she may have had enough.
My brother steven has his own life now, buying a house with his partner and i was very upset he didnt get my son who's 17 months now a birthday present or card.
I didnt mind he missed getting me a card as im grown up now but the fact he left my son out hurt.
I realise now though he has his own life and is very busy.

Maybe you should just back off and let her lead her life how she wants.
I know it must hurt but the more and more you push her the more your losing her.

All the best to you
sovs :wink:

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