Can't cope without son

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Can't cope without son

Postby Michelle1954 » Thu Oct 16, 2003 2:50 pm

My eldest son (25 on Saturday) hasn't spoken to us for nearly a year. He had a row with his younger brother (age 23) last November and says I threw him out (which I didn't). My younger son lives here, my older son was visiting with his girlfriend and I told her to take him home to diffuse the situation. My husband had to physically get in between our two boys to stop them from hitting each other. My husband and I rowed because he thinks I should just forget about the older son. I almost had a breakdown in April this year, and contacted the older son. He didn't want to know and said the most awful things to me (which I could never repeat, as they would break my husband's heart). My life just doesn't seem worth living without one of my children. I just wondered if anyone else has been in this situation and could tell me how best to cope day to day. thanks
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Postby Llisa » Thu Oct 16, 2003 4:14 pm

I'm sorry that I can't offer you too much advice...seeing as I have no children of my own. However, I hope that someone in the forum will have experienced, or know someone who has experiences something like this. In the mean time, try and keep your chin up, and I'll be praying for you.
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Postby X_Smiler_X » Thu Oct 16, 2003 6:16 pm

I am very sorry to hear of this, I can imagine how you feel with one of your sons not with you. Your children are your life, and will always be the most precious thing to any mother.
Sweetie, have you tried to talk to him about this? I know it's probably hard to, but I can't think of any other way for you to get your point across.
Have you tried writing a letter to him stating how you feel? Give it a go hun, and keep your chin up.
Thinking of you.
K xx
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Postby sovs » Thu Oct 16, 2003 7:11 pm

When i met my husband who's 11 years older than me, my eldest brother was not happy with the age gap.
He hasnt spoken to me or my mum because of this for 4 years this christmas.
My mum hasnt been allowed to see her grandson because of this.
It disgusts me that he behaves like this, but there isnt much we can do.
I sometimes miss my brother teribley, but life goes on.
Why dont you put everything down in a letter, that your feeling and then seal and burn it, trust me it helps.
We are here if you need us.

sovs xxx
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Postby Michelle1954 » Fri Oct 17, 2003 9:20 am

Thanks for you replies. I have tried to mend things. When I saw him in April, he tried to tell how he would and would not allow our relationship to continue. I think he was spoiling for a fight, and I couldn't let him speak to me like that, telling me that we've wasted our lives and he can do much better. He made me feel worthless. He hates his dad and says he'll never speak to him again - so that put me in another difficult position. I think he was trying to find a way to put the blame on me, cos when he walked out he said it was my fault and for me to remember that. Some days I'm just so tearful and miserable, I find it hard to act normally. My husband doesn't show his feelings as I do, and I find it hard to discuss this with him as 1) I can't tell him what was said as it would hurt him too much; 2) He says he'll never forgive our son for what he's put me through; 3)He seems to get angry with me as though I can switch me feelings on and off. If you've had children then you know that they're yours for life - good, bad or whatever. I know the longer it goes on the less chance there is of ever having a reltionship, I just need help in coping day to day, without resorting to pills.
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Postby saz » Tue Oct 28, 2003 8:17 am

Hi michelle hope you are ok.

My boyfriend and i had a row with his younger brother when he was staying with us last year and we threw him out and subsequently his mother didn't speak to us for a year. I was 8 months pregnant with our first child when it happened and she has only just seen the baby before she turned one.

I had been trying to get my boyfriend to speak to her again but both of them said some horrible things and neither wanted to back down. It is really good that you have made the first move but he sounds really hurt and angry so is still lashing out. In the end my boyfriend went round to his mums (her house backs on to hers it has been so awkward) and she let him in. His brother has still refused to talk to us though or see the baby which i think is nasty and selfish.

My boyfriend felt so rejected when she 'chose' his brother over him. His brother had told her a pack of lies and she believed them all, knowing full well he was a compulsive liar. My boyfriend has always been closest to his mother so he felt as though she loved his brother more than him, even though his brother didn't deserve it. This is why he stayed angry for so long.

She hasn't apologised but neither has he. They see each other all the time now normally when i am at work because he knows i am still angry with her for not seeing the baby before. I know a lot of people think that working problems out is the best thing but for them two, they have just wiped the slate clean and are starting again. For them it has worked i think they would just argue again if the subject was brought up.

Dont disown him i know he is an adult but when it comes to your parents, people can act like children. He sounds hurt and so do you. I am sure he realises how badly he has behaved but he feels badly rejected. If i were you, i would try and build a relationship with him again, without your husband or other son in the picture for a while. Just the two of you sit and talk and get him to tell you how he is feeling. He might need his mum like people do sometimes. Your husband and other son will probably argue with him again and make things worse.

From an older childs point of view, it is easy to think that the younger child is being spoilt like you never were, parents always take their side etc even if it isnt true. Children always fight no matter what age they are it is natural and sometimes parents get involved when they should just leave well alone. He should sort out his problems with his brother on his own, believe me from experience if my bf had have done that things would have been a whole lot easier, but his mum got involved and made it all worse. You dont want to see either of them hurt i know but they are adults. Try to see things from your older sons point of view, how hurt he must be feeling. Your younger son still has both his parents who love and care for him, your other son might feel he doesnt have that so is even more jealous.

Good luck let me know how things are.
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Postby mariamaria » Tue Oct 28, 2003 8:24 am

Hey Michelle

I've been in a similiar situation. I don't have children but I do have a parent who has disowned me.

As I have mentioned in another post, my family are all Muslims. They stick to their beliefs but at times, they can be a little bit hypocritical. My father didn't like the fact that I was growing up from the age of 15 onwards. So he stopped calling. He stopped getting in touch. My father didn't like the idea that I was getting on with my life and learning to make my own decisions. He wanted to control me but couldn't because I was very rebellious two years ago.

I miss him terribly. I mean, last night I had a dream about him and I woke up in tears. I called him several months ago hoping to get through to him, however, he was cold towards me. Saying that he never wants to hear from me again. He was really cold and heartless over me making my own decisions and being able to make my own decisions it hurt.

If your son doesn't come around, Michelle, the pain will be there, but day by day, you'll learn to deal with it. I have. It's nearly been two years and it still hurts but I try not to think about it. I miss him terribly but I have learned to deal with him.

Good luck and let us know how you're doing

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Postby X_Smiler_X » Wed Oct 29, 2003 11:32 pm

Michelle, have you tried anything yet? I hope things ae getting better.

Best wishes K xx
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