I need my adult son to leave home but he refuses

[yojylloh]

I can't cope with having my 35 year old son living in my house anymore. He hasn't got a job, he drinks way too much, I have to fund his car, mobile, drink and cigarettes, he hides up in his room when I'm at home and when I broach the subject of him moving out he explodes at me. I think he may have bipolar disorder and I also think he needs medical help such an anti-depressants but he refuses to go to the doctor's. I understand it is not easy living at home as an adult but I feel so anxious in my own home. Recently I got so upset at how aggressive he was being towards me, I asked my daughter to come over and ask him to please move out for a few days so I can recover my equilibrium. he refused and was very defensive and defiant. However, the shock treatment worked in that he has an interview for a possible job as a hospital porter and addresses me politely. But I still need him to move out. I don't want him to move to a foyer though where he will mix with petty thieves and drug users - at least he is not taking drugs or doing anything illegal. What can I do?

[ILoveChristmas]

Your son is not in a position to refuse to leave. At 35 he has no right to stay there if he's not welcome, far less make you feel intimidated in your own home.

As I see it you have two courses of action. One is to play the longer game, allow him to get a job and save a few months pay in order to afford a rent deposit, then ask him to leave. The second is to tell him right now that you've had enough and you want him gone. If necessary you'll need to threaten him with the Police if he refuses to go.

If you take the second option the inevitable question of "where will he go" raises its head and that's where it may be helpful for you to seek advice from your local Citizens Advice Bureau or council housing office. That way you can offer him information on what he should do next, if he'll listen. The sort of questions that need asked are these:

If you effectively make him homeless, is he entitled to local authority housing?
If he would be, does he have to be turfed out in order to qualify, or does he qualify in advance of it actually happening, i.e. can he tell the local authority that he's going to be made homeless imminently?
Does he qualify for housing benefit that would allow him to privately rent?
Assuming he gets a job, what additional benefit entitlement does he have to help with rent?

Whether your son ultimately ends up on the straight-and-narrow or whether he ends up involved in things he shouldn't be is not under your control and somehow you need to understand that. At 35 you are no longer in control of your son's life and that's confirmed through his treatment of you and complete lack of respect.

One thing that you may not like to hear but I feel it's important to say regardless, is, in my opinion you aren't helping your son by paying for his car, his phone, his drink, his cigarettes and no doubt his food, his clothes and his social life. What incentive is there for him to leave if all that is provided for him where he is? He has come to learn that living in your house is a good thing and with a bit of extra fear-factor he can keep it going indefinitely. He's recently learned where the line is and as a result he's 'looking' for a job and speaking to you nicely, but how long will that last do you think?

I'm sorry to wheel out the old cliche of 'you have to be cruel to be kind' but in this case you're not doing him or you (and you are most important) any good by sheltering him from the real world.