20 year old son with a disability

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20 year old son with a disability

Postby Louanne » Tue May 15, 2012 6:54 pm

Hi I am new on here but I have been impressed with the great advice the users have given non judgemental and understanding and wanted to ask some advice on how I deal with my son who has just turned 20 but has a learning disability, he also has behavioural problems, he is not physical but he is verbal. I'll briefly give you an outline 9 years ago we came back from living abroad after my dad died and since then my life has been extremely difficult. Life with my son has always been hard but I have to deal with my mom who has turned into a monster since I came back although there were signs before, she has said and done things that have upset me so much I nearly had a break down so I cut ties with her and my sister has taken her side. I then lost my grandparents within 10 weeks of each and I was very close to them. My mother then proceeded to take me to courts to see my daughter even though I had never said she couldn't see her. Then last year I thought to myself I want to have a good year we've had nothing but hassle and upset but 7 days into the year there was a knock at the door and there was the police wanting to arrest my son. I won't go into details but suffice to say last year was horrendous not knowing weather he would go to jail or not and at the same time my husbands business went down the pan so we had that on top. My son is a very vunerable adult and did not and still doesn't really understand the impact it has had on me and my husband, I have never in 27 year seen my husband in such a state. I did my utmost to make sure the court understood my son's problems and got many different references, as he is not a bad lad just like I say vunerable and gullible. I went every where for help and had the door closed in my face as my son didn't meet anyones criteria as he isn't severely disabled. Eventually I found an organisation that helps adults with disabilities find voluntary work and paid work and they have been a god send. He loved the place he worked at and enjoyed the work he was doing. Earlier this year he had to have an operation that took along time to heal, I took him intially to have his dressings changed but then I asked him to go himself as I want him to be as independant as possible. Then we were told he couldn't work there for reasons I won't go into unless we could get doctors notes ect so again I had to round up more information so that he could go back to work and finally he is going back next week. My problem is I am exhausted I want to find work but I am worried that I will have to keep fighting his battles and if he messes up he is out and if I am working I am not going to be able to sort him out. I feel like i just want to do want I want for a change, it wouldn't be so bad if I thought my son appreciated what I do for him but if I try and talk to him about not messing up he shouts me down and I just have nothing left to fight. My husband is now in work thankfully but is having to very long hours plus we still have outstanding bills and debt that i can see no way of ever paying back. I feel that I need a holiday just so I can recurperate but we just do not have the money. I have talked to my husband but he just said I have to be more understanding of him but I have been there every step of the way with my son and done alot of it on my own as my husband as always worked long hours for his family. I just want to be selfish and not worry but I know he would survive without me. I have told my son how he makes me feel and I have even recorded him shouting at me and it does seem to have helped a little bit but every time I feel we are getting some where something else comes up. We have looked at many different ways of paying off the debt but not are suitable for us until I can find work. I am good person and have always been there for my family but it always seems to go unoticed and unappreciated. I would just like some advice thank you.
Louanne
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Re: 20 year old son with a disability

Postby snail » Thu May 17, 2012 8:08 pm

Sounds like you've had an exhausting time :( it's difficult to know what to suggest, but I thought of a couple of things - could you find a support group for families, perhaps through that organisation you mentioned? You could maybe swap tips and find emotional support with each other, maybe even meeting up for a coffee and a laugh? If one doesn't exist, could you start one?
The other thing, try talking to your GP about family counselling - I'm not sure what would be available but you've got little to lose.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: 20 year old son with a disability

Postby Louanne » Fri May 18, 2012 9:19 am

Thank you Snail, I have had councelling to get over my Mothers behaviour although I don't think I'll ever get over it I've just come to terms with it as I believe life is too short to be angry and bitter. We've had councelling before together but the problem is he has memory problems so he forgets what has been said, thats why I am so worried he'll get into trouble again. I have to keep reminding him that he is still under probation and the probation officer reminds him aswell but he gets annoyed about that. He thinks it's all over but it isn't, his life was difficult before but it's even worse now and he doesn't understand that the crime is having a massive impact on his life and ours. There is a carers association that do coffee mornings I could go to one of those. The problem is there is very little help and support for my son or me because he hasn't got a severe disability which is not good, I had his school (although I am still in touch as I volunteer there) and his paeditrician before he was 18 and now there's is nothing apart from this organisation which have been brilliant but obvioulsy there is only so much they can do. He is being assessed at the moment for speech and language to find out his level of understanding and she said she maybe able to get more support once the assessment is complete so hopefully that might lead somewhere. I think I was just having a bad day and just needed to off load, I am normally a positive person but just sometimes it all becomes too much (as I am exhausted) and when he shouts at me it brings me down so thank you for taking the time to reply. I will look into going to a carers meeting and maybe I can meet someone in a similar position who may have a some ideas. Cheers
Louanne
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Re: 20 year old son with a disability

Postby MrPresident » Tue Jul 31, 2012 12:31 pm

It sounds a ghastly existence, and you are obviously depressed. Of course, you need a break from it all, and there are organisations that help carers get a break (and you are a carer, in a way). I am sure you would gain from some more counselling - perhaps there's a Citizen's Advice Bureau around that can suggest how you can do this at no cost. It won't solve your other problems, but may help you to face up to them. If you can then focus on good things, rather than bad (easy to say, I know), you will find things will gradually improve.
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