How and when do I tell my son ?:(

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How and when do I tell my son ?:(

Postby Tink92 » Thu Sep 29, 2011 11:29 pm

Me and my boyfriend are expecting our baby boy in 5 weeks. My partner already has a son but isn't allowed to see him (what his Ex desided) even tho he only lives 15 mins away! I feel sorry for his son and mine. We have photos of my boy friends son around the house so there's gonna be a time when my son says 'who's that mummy?' How and when do I explain to my son he has a half brother??
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Re: How and when do I tell my son ?:(

Postby Ticktock » Fri Sep 30, 2011 12:40 am

You tell them before daddy met mummy he lived with someone else and they had a little boy. Leave it at that, kids don't wake up wanting to know everything they ask things in stages as their own understanding of these situations expands, it will probably not be until 11 plus until they understand enough about adults to ask in more detail.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to explain everything, the number of times I had to deal with a panicked daughter when some well meaning idiot tried to explain her mum dying to a two year old! Your bigger issue will be making your son think that daddy leaving is a possibility, after all he left one son...

Hopefully by the time the questions start your boyfriend will have sorted proper visiting rights, in this day and age however awkward the mother it is possible to enforce them if you really want to.

How do you feel about this reminder of the previous relationship in the house? Would you prefer your boyfriend put away the pictures and concentrated on his new family?
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Re: How and when do I tell my son ?:(

Postby Tink92 » Fri Sep 30, 2011 10:04 am

Thanks for your replay, it's really helped!
I've thought about asking to put the photos away but on the other hand I feel horrible thinking about asking him do to this. He did take his sons mother to court but after going round and around with his ex not turning up, involing other men with my partners son, only letting him see his son for 1 hour a week....my partner couldent afford to keep going back and for to court. He's decided to keep all the paper work saying why they've had to return to court proving his ex had made the situation impossible, my partner also has a bank account he and family put money in for his sons birthdays and Christmas hoping that one day he will have the chance to explain why he wasn't there but always thought about his son.
I don't feel upset with the photos, I see his son as part of him an I've even helped enlarge his fav photos and framed them. I thought my partner would shine at the chance to have another baby, but he's come across abit Un-motivated and not existed about our baby coming. I've tryed involing him with baby stuff but I think he's abit scared I'll do what his ex did. I erasure his all the time and just hope he can bond with our son when he arrives
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Re: How and when do I tell my son ?:(

Postby Ticktock » Fri Sep 30, 2011 5:02 pm

I can give a bit of a man's perspective on this, sometimes the mother/baby bonding can become a bit of a bubble with the man having his nose pressed against the outside but not allowed to interfere in case he breaks something. This can be reinforced by older men and women who hold babies as 'womens work'!

I had no choice but to get involved, but my brother (with large encouragement from his poisonous mother in law) was firmly shut out, in fact he wasn't allowed to change a nappy until his daughter was three! After their second child mummy decided to go back to work and suddenly he was a full time home dad and he hasn't broken either of them yet.... although our mum has had some very interesting conversations with him :)

Maybe this is what your boyfriend faced, her subsequent actions suggest his ex viewed the baby as 'hers'.

It won't be real to him until the baby arrives, remember he doesn't have it growing inside him. Just remember to always treat the baby as yours and give him every opportunity to be the dad you want him to be. Rebuild his shattered confidence and hopefully he will justify your faith. My former partner had just the same sorts of doubts about me, all mothers do, but our daughter is everything she would have wanted in a child and then some!!

Tell him to never give up on the visits, and always to write letters and send christmas/birthday cards and send them recorded delivery, even if they are returned at least he can prove he tried to stay in contact.
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