Shoud i have this baby?

[Frankie_May]

Heres is it.... Im 4 weeks pregnant and my partner says hea not ready to be a dad!

We have been together over 3 years and live together, we are both 22.
I came off the pill about 5 weeks ago as it was making me feel rubbish and giving me spots etc, anyway, in that time we wernt really careful and now im 4weeks pregnant.

I want this baby although im scared to death (both first baby for us) i dont want to kill an innocent baby just because we were both careless a few times, i appreciate lots of people have trouble concieving so i dont want to just disregard thos baby. I feel lucky that i got pregnant so quickly.

Thing is my partner says hes not ready to be a dad, despite that he accepts responsibility for this too and says he will stick by me whatever i decide to do!!!

Help?!?!? Do i go with my instinct and keep it or agree with my partner that we are not ready to be parents?!?

[Tarantula]

Don't bring a baby into the world whose parents are not 100% ready for it in every way: emotionally and financially. Or at least as ready as they will ever be.

Are you as ready as you will ever be? Are you at your zenith, at your peak? Have you got a stable home environment and secure income? Is your relationship tip top?

Have you done everything that you want to do for YOURSELF before committing to at least 18 years of hard work parenting?

I know that this really is an 'each to their own' topic, and my own view is this: it's selfish to bring in a child when you know deep down that you're not at your absolute best. For me, that means that I'm not gonna have kids until I'm older (20 at the moment), have seen more of the world, have helped myself to more activities, have generally matured more and gained greater life experience. It also means that I will have a whopass career prior to having a baby, preferably one that pays reasonably well. All practical matters will be taken care of. Because I know that, from the moment the baby is born (and even before that), it's no longer about me. It's about my child, and giving them the best.

To give my child the best, I have to be at my best. And I know that in time my overall circumstances will be better, so I'm not planning on having kids until later on. Got too much I wanna get out the way first.

Your partner's already said that he's not ready. That's a warning sign if there ever was one. It just doesn't sound ideal to me. As for abortion, I don't see it as 'killing' as long as it's within the 24 week mark. That legal standard is there to protect both the mother undergoing the abortion and the unborn fetus who, after 24 weeks, will feel it. At four weeks I believe you're carrying a tiny cluster of embryonic cells. I also think we need to stop fussing about cells, embryos and fetuses and start worrying about children.

I think it's much worse to actually continue with a pregnancy and attempt to raise a child with limited resources (resources including your emotional capacity to handle it) than it is to sensibly terminate at an early stage because, let's face it, you're young and you'll be in better stead in a few years from now. I don't mean to suggest that you're immature or not ready; just that you'll be MORE ready the longer you spend 'preparing'.

That's just my view. If you rush into it, the child will be the one to pick up the tab one way or another.

[peecee]

Ok, that’s one reasoned and very valid opinion. On relationships, I bow down to B_C every time!

But not on this.

Another opinion is this; if you have even the slightest qualms about going for an abortion, you shouldn’t do it – if you feel afterwards that you have made the wrong choice, you will have to live with it for the rest of your life, and I’ve seen serious fallout from that kind of decision. You are concerned about it, so you haven’t yet made up your mind. It’s something you’re going to have to decide for yourself, it’s not up to your friends or family to say “I’d do this or that”. It’s your life and future, and the life and future of your baby.

Apart from the completely black and white opinions of do it or don’t do it; - you are 22, not 14. You say you want this baby – so you’re a long way towards making the decision - but you are scared to death and not sure you’re ready. Petal, I know couples who have planned, scrimped and saved, gone to the edge of the springboard, stepped back, gone to the edge again, and jumped off. I don’t know any parent who hasn’t agonised about whether or not they’re ready or, afterwards, whether they are coping, or whether they’re being good parents. And I know fathers who thought the easy way out was to get an abortion – until they saw their son or daughter, and realised they adored their offspring and couldn’t cop out.

You do have the emotional capacity to cope with this, and I really don’t understand why your partner shouldn’t step up and do his duty. It might mean that your life will take a different direction to the one you had expected – but not necessarily a worse direction, and definitely not a less fulfilling one.

Honey, listen to your mind, but listen to your heart too. Because it’s your heart which will rejoice or grieve over your decisions, not your mind.

Lots of love
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Pee

[ILoveChristmas]

Don't bring a baby into the world whose parents are not 100% ready for it in every way: emotionally and financially. Or at least as ready as they will ever be.

Whilst I also respect B_Cs opinion on most things, in this case I think her opinion is one that could only have come from someone who doesn't have children.

Children are the most amazing gift you can have and provided you don't feel pressured into keeping the baby then I think you'll experience the same positive emotions. Nobody can tell you that having a baby isn't a lot of hard work, it is, and it's a lot of sleepless nights but the rewards far, far outweigh any of that.

Things will be much easier if you have family close at hand to help you out. If your boyfriend is telling you he's not ready then base your decision solely on your own ability to cope and whether you yourself are ready with whatever support is available around you.

I don't often tell people this, but when I found out that my partner at the time was pregnant with my son I told her I wasn't ready. I tried to convince her that we both had lots of living left to do and that a baby would get in the way of that. I'm horribly ashamed of it now, but at the time I was just a boy and had a lot of growing up to do very quickly. Your boyfriend sounds like he's much the same.

For me it was the first scan. I saw the little picture and it completely changed my view on the whole experience. Yes it's still scary, yes you're still standing on the brink of the unknown, but it's all good! The first smile, laugh or giggle makes everything worth while.

Feel free to drop me a PM if you'd like to talk over anything in more privacy. I can relate directly to what your boyfriend is saying and I know what (for me) a bad decision it would have been.

[rufio89]

I agree with peecee and ILC.

If you're not 100% sure you want to have an abortion, dont. I know women who had abortions 20 years ago and it still haunts them.

I dont have children myself, but I know people who have tried and tried to get pregnant and have still freaked out when it happened and not been sure if theyre ready. It's a huge, life changing decision but ultimately worth it.

There is also the option of adoption to consider.

[Tarantula]

Whilst I also respect B_Cs opinion on most things, in this case I think her opinion is one that could only have come from someone who doesn't have children.

(Hope I did the quoting thing right). AND/OR someone who's parents really were NOT ready and I had to pick up the tab. I don't think my opinion that people should wait until they're in the best circumstances to have kids is there just because I don't have any myself. It could be that, or it could be because I haven't already done a rush job and don't wanna admit that maybe things would've been better if I'd waited.

If your boyfriend is telling you he's not ready then base your decision solely on your own ability to cope and whether you yourself are ready with whatever support is available around you.

But if the fella bails, then the kid misses out on a parent. I'm more thinking of the adolecent stage than the baby, nappy-changing dynamics. This kid is gonna grow up and have issues if one parent is missing. And the other's response to that will be what? 'Well I knew he wasn't ready because he told me plainly, but I carried on anyway becayse it's what I wanted.' I dunno, it just doesn't seem like the best foundation for bringing in a new life. I'm not saying that it'll definitely be a disaster and that OP will muff it up; I'm just sayin' that the chances of muffing it up will probably be slimmer if it happens later. There doesn't seem to be a downside to delaying gratification just for a while. However there are potential downsides to going through it now. I don't understand why it has to happen NOW, when it wasn't planned or anything, and was off the cuff.

You know obviously if OP does decide to go ahead with it then I hope it goes as well as possible. I'm just entirely in the child's interests and, again, speaking from the point of view of that child in 20 years from now, when looking back at their parents and thinking 'what the heck were you playin' at??' As much as my opinion MAY be one typical of someone who doesn't have kids, it MAY also be that no one who has kids is gonna come on here saying 'don't do it, I rushed, I didn't do as right by my kids as I could have if I'd waited, so don't do it.'

[ILoveChristmas]

I had a reply typed out because I take issue with almost everything B_Cs last reply contained, but in the interests of keeping the post on topic i'm not going to submit it.

Hopefully the original poster is able to come back on and update us on how she's doing. Hopefully we can all agree that we want to give balanced advice from all angles and view points.

[Tarantula]

Feel free to PM me or something, I don't mind discussing it further.

[kitten]

I haven't read all the replies throughly but just want to say. I had my son at 26, he was planned and much wanted, though we were still scared and unsure about the whole thing as its a major life change.

I have an amazing son who I love very much but its not easy. But I also now someone who had an abortion and as the others have said has haunted her since. I am sure if you go to your doctor about this they can refer you for conselling on your decision. Abortion has to be signed off by two doctors and only once it is a firm decision. I would say if you are having doubts it may not be the right choice for you. But it is your decision.

[Sarahs]

Hi I haven't read any of the above.
I just want to say I have two boys both young and they were born into a relationship of 4 years. After my children the relationship was strained and even tho we both agrees to have my children we couldn't cope with the pressures and sadly split. Children are wonderful and bring much love to you and you will love your children. But they do cause strain on relationships and due to this I lost a four year relationship.
I am in a current relationship with my partner and got pregnant I had an abortion as he has two children from a previous relationship and I have my two kids and we thought four children between us was enough. I regret it dearly as I appreciate I should of been more careful, I was on the pill but it failed to work. Abortaion isn't for the faint hearted at all I was very depressed after it and found the whole experience terrible, I am a very strong woman but nothing can prepare you for an abortion so think about it carefully.
If u want this child I would think about , if you could cope alone ? Could u financially support the child? Are u ready to put a child before urself? Are u ready to change your life? And social life might go out the window? Are u stable enough with in yourself to cope with raising a child?

I would advise to think about how u would cope alone with a child to support?? At the end of the day it's ur choice but mothers rarely walk away from there children so the best advice I can give is even tho u are in a relationship think about what it would be like raising a child alone If u can cope and ur ready to then u know what to do. If ur not ready or don't think u could cope alone u know what to do.
I ain't trying to put u off I wouldn't change my boys for the world but just wish I thought more about how I would cope raising them alone , it's very hard and I never thought my relationship would end and I would be a single mother everything is hard working and providing and making sure u have enough time and energy for the little ones. Nothing is cheap either childcare is soo expensive and children are expensive too they are worth every penny but u should think about raising ur child alone could u really cope ad are u ready for that. Hope I helped