new woman in life after death of wife

[weebill]

Hi all.my wife died on 6th june 2009, after a while i decided i would like to meet someone again and met a wonderful woman in july this year. we are made for each other and i think we will be getting married, probably next year.

the thing is i have 3 step children (40, 33 and 31) and i'm not quite sure how to bring up the subject with them. they all know about her and seem ok (except pewrhaps the oldest girl who was very close to her mum)

my wife did say that she wanted me to meet someone else which was a wonderful thing for her to do but i know that all people grieve in different ways and in different timescales. so i'm concerned what effect this may have on my step children while at the same time at 48 not wanting to hang around too long if you know what i mean

any advice gratefully received

[ILoveChristmas]

Hi there,

I think in this case honesty is the best policy and it will help to get things out into the open as quickly as possible. I imagine you may want your step children to play a part in, or at least attend, your wedding and telling them sooner rather than later will give your eldest step-daughter time to come to terms with how things are.

My suggestion would be to arrange a family meal at your house for you and the three step-children during which you can raise the subject of how you and your new partner are considering getting married. It might be wise to approach the situation along the lines of "what would you feel about..." rather than "we are going to", that way you can get their thoughts on the matter without them feeling like it's a foregone conclusion.

In some ways you've already done the hardest part; the step-children already know you have someone new in your life. Getting married is of course a big step, but in my view the initial realisation that you have another woman in your life would have been the bigger 'shock'.

"Step children" is, in this case, also a bit of a misnomer because none of them are children, and I think you therefore have the right to expect them to handle the situation with some maturity. It's not an adolescent teen who's getting the news afterall.

Above all be honest with them and clear about your intentions. If you do decide to have them round to discuss it, I wouldn't do it with your new partner present.

[weebill]

Thanks so much, I do spend time worying what they will think but as you say they are adults and should at least react with maturity.

i went to london with my new love recently and my eldest step daughter sent me an e-mail saying 'just don't come back engaged' which set me on edge a little. i am planning to meet with her soon for 'a chat'

i assumed that since everyone knew what my late wife's wishes were it would go more smoothly, perhaps it's a case of too soon in her eyes?

[spacegirl]

Perhaps she was kidding - it's hard to determine whether people are kidding or serious from emails/ texts, I think your step children would just be happy to see you happy, and I'm sure they understand that this new lady isn't a replacement fr your wife but that you're moving on and gettng on with your life. Also, you're not far off in age from your oldest "step-child", they will understand that you want to settle down and not be alone.

I think you should invite them round and speak to them, they are all adults and there's no need to patronise them, explain the situation I think they will appreciate that you have respected them enough to discuss your intentions with them.

hope it goes well x

[weebill]

yes thanks, i think that is excellent advice, i do need to talk to them as adults.

i would hope they are happy for me

i am concerned however what i should do if they don't think i have waited long enough

[ILoveChristmas]

All you can do is explain to them that you feel that it is time to move on and rebuild your life. Explain that everyone grieves in different ways and for different lengths of time. Explain that moving on doesn't lessen the love that you feel for your late wife but, for you, now is the time to start looking forward instead of back.

You've been given an opportunity to be happy after more than a year of grief and it was your late wife's wish that you should take it. So if your step-children aren't prepared to see if that way yet then you need to do it for yourself. I would make it clear to them that your new partner doesn't replace your late wife, as I think that would one of their primary concerns. Provided you agree of course, explain to them that their mother is not a taboo subject in the house, even when your new partner is around.

[weebill]

Yes thanks ILC, your point about my late wife not being a taboo subject is a good one and my girlfriend has said as much to me.

I'm gearing up for some 'interesting' conversations with my step children in the days ahead. all of them about change which has happened and will happen as well as change that needs to happen (my stepson staying over so much)

thanks again for your wisdom