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married Adult son stays over

Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:48 am
by weebill
My stepson has been staying over with me for the past 3 years which would be ok if he wasn't married with 2 kids (4 and 6). to explain the situation, he has a job 1 hour from where he lives and i live 20 mins from his work, he stays here 3 to 4 nights a week as he works in the bar trade. frankly i am fed up with it as i reckon he is avoiding family life by being here.

my wife died just under 2 years ago and i am seeing someone else. its going very well and we may get married next year. so when this happens i really don't want him arriving in the middle of the night 3 or 4 days a week. i would like some privacy. i have always loved and cared for all 3 of my step children but in my opinion he really doesn't need to stay here at all

my question is this... am i being unreasonable in expecting him to simply drive a few more miles up the road to his wife and kids.

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:41 am
by ILoveChristmas
In short, no, you're not being unreasonable. You have your life and you're entitled to live it in privacy.

But, have you made any attempt so far to tell him how you feel? If not then take a step back, calm down and then speak to him calmly about it. You obviously have a fair bit of pent up frustration about the whole situation, which probably isn't fair to simply unload on him if this is the first time you've spoken about it.

I've no idea what time he finishes work, but assuming it's late, maybe 1am then I can also just about see his perspective. While I know it's not your problem, have you also considered what's going on at home just now? Are his late nights causing problems at home and that's why he's staying over at yours? It does seem a little odd that he's not keen to be at home with his wife and kids.

In the end though it is your home and I think the time is right to talk to him about things before your relationship with him is affected in the longer term.

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 9:02 am
by Bel Bel

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 10:28 am
by weebill
Thanks for your replies, i reckon stepping back and calming down is a good idea. he is on 2 weeks leave at the moment so i have the house to myself, which will help.

He did have a job much nearer to his home but gave it up and went back to his old one (both jobs are essentially the same). He talked to my late wife about it and she agreed he could come and stay again, I suppose i am still angry about that.

He will take any opportunity to stay here and avoid going home and he and his wife constantly bicker when she and the kids come to stay here.

I really think they need to sort things out and i'm unhappy that my home is part of the problem, his wife has spoken to me and she is not happy that he stays here so much either.

i guess i didn't want to hurt him after his mum died but it's getting too much for me now and with a new relationship i would prefer if he and his family came and stayed over occasionally rather than him being here every week more often than he is at home.

he also does nothing by way of chores here and i don't like being used as a free hotel

ok rant over :-) any other comments as to how i can bring up the subject would be welcome

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 5:02 pm
by snail
I'm not sure that there is any perfect way to bring it up - just choose a time when he's not particularly stressed or pushed for time or anything, and explain to him what you've said to us here. Give him a date a fairly long way ahead - say, one month or maybe two - so he can't complain that he doesn't have time to make alternative arrangements.

I can't think that the saving of 40 minutes drive time is really worth staying away from home - as you say, there must be problems at home that he's avoiding facing up to.

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:21 am
by weebill
Thanks Snail, I'm determined to have a conversation with him as soon as he returns and I reckon the idea of a time limit is a good one.

one of the things that annoys me most is that he never tells me when he will be staying and just arrives in the middle of the night so that will be one stipulation (that i am informed of when he is staying). But he will need to know that it can't go on and he needs to sort something else out within a couple of months.

I will also insist that when he can go home he should go home and not laze around here all day still he starts at 5

It's been good to hear that I'm not crazy or selfish and unreasonable.

I have felt guilty about it but that was all part of the grieving process

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:06 pm
by Bel Bel
Make sure you take his key away so he can't get in without ringing first in the future. Don't warn him you are going to ask for it as he might get another one cut.
Also expect him to be unhappy about it but remember that's not about you that's about him not wanting to go home.

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:11 pm
by ILoveChristmas
The fact that he doesn't start until 5 in the afternoon only confirms the suspicion that there's something going on at home, and makes it all the more rediculous that he's not driving home after work. I was originally assuming that he must have been starting work again fairly early in the morning, but obviously that's not the case.

It's a delicate line that you have to tread between asking him to respect your privacy and telling him to go home and get his own issues sorted. It'll be tricky to broach one subject without crossing into the other.

Hopefully if he's suitably mature he'll accept what you have to say, but it would be wise to try and prepare yourself in case he counters with an arguement about your late wife telling him it was ok. I'm quite sure she didn't give him permission to display a basic lack of respect, but you never know how he'll react.

Edit: BelBel, you beat me to the reply. It must be lunchtime!

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:52 pm
by weebill
Thanks guys, it really has helped hearing your opinions.

Like most people i dislike confrontation and this is probably why i have put off saying anything for so long.

he does very occasionally finish late and start early which was actually the whole idea about him staying over but he has expanded it and i don't see any reason why he can't work on more family friendly shifts.

again thanks for backing me up as i sometimes feel i'm too harsh in my thinking

he is 31 now and i may ask him does he see himself still doing this in 5 to 10 years time

he's missing so much of his kids lives as he essentially stays here every weekend when they are all at home, leaving his wife to do everything

oops i started ranting again :-)

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:49 pm
by snail
Yes, it's completely unfair on his wife and kids, no doubt about that. It seems he has effectively almost left his wife, without officially leaving her. But of course that side of it's not really your business; it has to be sorted out between them.

Let us know how it goes.

Re: married Adult son stays over

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:18 pm
by weebill
I certainly will let you know. It will take a lot for me to speak to him but now i know i'm reasonable it will be easier

I don't intend to mention the obvious problems in the marriage because as you say it really isn't my business. there are plenty of other reasons why he doesn't need to stay here