Having a Nightmare!

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unwinMOO
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Having a Nightmare!

Post by unwinMOO » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:41 pm

well where do i start... i have a little boy who is 18months old i had him wen i was 20 and nearly as soon as he was born i was diagnosed with postnatal depression i have been on medication for 18 months and tried many different doses and types, but nothing ever seems to get any better infact it seems to be gettin worse. i was depressed when my son was younger but was able to keep a lid on it. now i seem to get really angry and upset more frequently. i feel that i'm not a good mother or partner and just want to be on my own. i have spoke to my partner (also my sons dad) and just thinks i'm being stupid. i really wish that i hadn't had my son.

i live in the middle of nowhere and 120miles away from my family and friends there is no support down here for me or my son. All i have done since i have been with my partner is move around the country. i dont think i love my sons dad anymore and think we have drifted apart. i would like to leave him but dont have any money of my own to do that. He is a good dad when he is here but he works long hours. he tries to be supportive and understanding but he never gives me what i need. i just think that i would be better off saying goodbye to both of them rather than making their lives a misery. i no this sounds selfish but i just want to be on my own and have my life back.

I have got a really bad temper and just blow up at the slightist thing i wouldn't ever hurt my son but sometimes i feel like it. my nan brought me up as my mother had drink and drug issues and my brothers are in care and i'm worried that i am just like my mum (i dont ever take drugs or drink to excess) but then maybe my son would be better off in care it least someone will love him the way i cant. i resent him for taking my life away and i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.

rufio89
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Re: Having a Nightmare!

Post by rufio89 » Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:53 pm

you need to go back to the doctor and tell them how you are feeling.

Feeling like you dont care about your child or wishing they hadnt been born are very common symptoms of post-natal depression.

I cant really help you, but there is light at the end of this tunnel.

If you're not happy with your partner, then by all means leave him, but bear in mind these feelings might be due to the depression.

Please, please, please get to a doctor as soon as you can. They should be able to put you in touch with a counsellor.

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Re: Having a Nightmare!

Post by snail » Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:47 pm

Given your story, I think your exhaustion and depression is completely understandable. It doesn't make you like your mother, it simply makes you normal.

Rufio is right, go back to your doctor again, and ask to be referred to a counsellor. This could help more than any medication. If the doctor doesn't seem to be taking it seriously enough, you could try saying (truthfully) that you are thinking of putting your son in care because of the depression.

But I think what you really need is some practical and emotional support. Is there anyone who could come and stay for a while and help with the care of your son, to give you a break? Or is there anyone you could go and visit for a while? Anyone like an aunt or a friend? Tell them how desperately you need some help, a change of scene, and a bit of fun in your life. Maybe your doctor could put you in touch with someone in social services who can offer some help, given your depression? And is there anywhere you can leave your son, like a nursery, on a regular basis so that you can have some time to yourself?

Finally, I'm willing to bet that your son's father is equally unhappy - he has to deal with the stress of long hours and a partner whom he knows is very depressed, can't seem to communicate with, and isn't loving towards him. I imagine you don't have much energy to work on your relationship with him at the moment, but he is really the person who is best placed to help you. You said he is loving and supportive, so try and explain to him in clearer terms that you need help. Be open and TELL him EXACTLY what you need - he probably doesn't even know what your real needs are. But bear in mind it's probably tough for both of you, so don't be too hard on him, it sounds like he does try.
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peecee
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Re: Having a Nightmare!

Post by peecee » Wed Jan 21, 2009 10:47 pm

Darling, what would you do if you "had your life back"? Have you managed to think that one through, or are you just letting off steam because you're so unhappy with the life you think you've got? You're entitled to do that. But some people would consider that having a baby is "having a life".

You've given a list of things to explain why you're so unhappy with your life and your baby; and I think you're focusing on your unhappiness with your mother to give YOU a reason to fail as a mother. You are NOT your mother, and you WON'T fail! Do you know, you haven't actually said anything about how you feel about the nan who brought you up? And how you feel when you look at your baby? The two people, apart from your partner, who have played the most important role in your lives? How do you feel about them?

As everybody here says, you need to see your GP and be absolutely sure that he understands how you're feeling, and what your circumstances are. If it takes different medication for a while, ok - lots of us have been there. If he thinks you need to look at other things in your life, we're here to help you with that - I hope your partner will help too? I have three brothers; the first two who had children were absolutely brilliant. My little brother, who had his first baby 5 months ago, walked away from his wife the night before the birth, because he had no idea what was going on, or how his wife felt. I told him that she was extremely hormonal (of COURSE!! She was entitled to be! :-?) , and he should get his stupid self back home - so he did. My sister and other two brothers are keeping an eye on him because he's NOT nasty or unfeeling, he's just completely clueless! So - grown-up partners, or incompetent, scared partners - which is yours, petal?

Just calm down, sweet pea, take a deep breath and be still for a while. Get your partner to look after your son while you have a scented, bubbly bath for two hours - three hours - 24 hours! Just a short break to give you some peace and quiet while you think about where you're going.

Just, don't EVER say you're going to give up. You're not, me darling. After the upbringing you describe, with what you see as rejection but ALSO loads of love, you're here to tell the tale, and you can achieve anything.

Let us know how it goes with the doctor, ok?

Lots of love

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
pee
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unwinMOO
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Re: Having a Nightmare!

Post by unwinMOO » Thu Jan 22, 2009 1:11 pm

Hi,
Been up the doc's today and been put on another change of medication! This time i've been put on Prozac. This is the last time my doc will be able to change my medication after this she said i will have to have a mental health assesment. i'm not really keen on the idea incase social services get involved that would be my worst nightmare.
Been thinking all night of what i really want from my life and i just draw a blank i have no idea what would make me happy anymore. i dont love my partner. i love my son but think i would struggle even more if it was just him and me on our own and also i dont want to take him away from his daddy as really he has done nothing wrong. Then there is the money issue i dont have the money to just move out if i did have maybe i wouldn't be in this mess. i just feels like i'm going round in one big vicious circle. I'd like the world to stop spinning so i can get off.
i wondered if i would be better off leaving my son with his dad untill i've found somewhere to live and got some money together. but he has a house that comes with his job so no job no house so that is a no no. i just feel like i'm in catch 22 the whole time and no matter which way i turn there is no way out of this mess my family dont have the money to help me out.
as for my nan and son of course i love them both dearly that doesn't mean to say that sometimes i dont particularly like them. my nan is like you say the biggist influence in my life but sometimes she is very quick to throw things in your face for example she says things like "Your just like your mother" and when i told her i was taking anti depressants she said that in her day they just got on with things and that i should pull myself together! dont get me wrong these comments are rare and most of the time she is everything i could wish for but it doesn't stop them hurting me. and my son just infuriates me i feel sometimes he does things delebratly to get a reaction he is very advanced for his age so maybe i've got the terrible twos early but then wen he gives me kisses and cuddles my heart melts and i feel so guilty for the way i feel about him.
i just want a way out of this mess!

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Re: Having a Nightmare!

Post by fiftyone » Sun Jan 25, 2009 11:41 pm

Hi - I can see you are in a whirlwind and it sounds like you are going in circles. Its good that you have your nan even though she sometimes blurts hurtful things out. In her day they didn't have prozac and there was a lot more family support which you dont have. You are really trying to sort this out - that's really clear to see. I hope the Prozac helps. I used it once and I found it was just what I needed at the time to get mee through a very difficult period of my life. I know everyone's different but I hope it does the same for you too. Your son sounds so precious too. I have kids and they are tiring so hang in there :o

Regarding you leaving your partner - it wouldn't necessarily mean your son would lose his dad but he could continue to see him and at the same time might give you a little space and time to sort your own life out (when he visited his dad). You mention leaving your son with his dad while you sort yourself out. Would your partner be able to cope with him given that he has to work? Would you be able to stay with your nan? Have you looked into how easy it would be to get a flat/house with your son if you DID split up? You could tell the doctor all of these problems and ask for advice about where to go - that's if you feel comfortable talking to him/her. Good luck with it all. My best wishes.

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