Concerned about my boyfriends daughter

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whoopsie
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Concerned about my boyfriends daughter

Post by whoopsie » Fri Dec 19, 2008 4:43 pm

Hi Guys

I'm a bit concerned about my boyfriends daughter. I don't really know where to start to be honest. She's 4 and splits her time between us, her mum (which is her 'home') and her mothers parents. My main concern is the house she lives in with her mum. I know I'm not a parent, and have no right to judge anyone's parenting skills, but I do have some concerns. Firstly, is the environment she lives in with her mum. Her house is a tip, the kitchen has rotting food out all over the place, the floors are covered in general mess, and there are clothes all up one side of the stair case. My boyfriend told me the other day that they have a wasp nest in the ceiling above the bathroom and he said that there are dead wasps all over the bathroom floor to the extent that you can't walk without stepping on one. This, in my opinion, is no environment for any one to be in, let alone a 4 year old.

Secondly, her mothers boyfriend (of 2 or 3 months) is an 'ex' heroin addict and an alcoholic. My boyfriend knows this, but seems happy enough for him to spend time with his daughter, so I will back his judgement on that, altho his ex has told me that he has threatened to hit her during an argument (his ex, not his daughter). His ex has told me that she has his friends over from time to time, and they ask if they can smoke heroin in the house (when his daughter is not there, as far as I am aware). She said no.

Thirdly, his daughter seems slightly scared of her mum. She has told me that bruises are from her mum hitting her, however I don't think this is true as the bruises she was pointing to were on her shins and typical of falling over. My boyfriend calls his daughter every night that we don't have her, and on one occasion, her mother was screaming and swearing at her to get to the phone as she was taking too long (she was eating her dinner and took no longer than 30 seconds to get to the phone). It was horrible to hear, and she was crying her eyes out by the time she got to the phone. There was one occasion a few weeks ago where we were dropping her off to her mum, and she got so upset. She refused to get dressed, refused to leave the house, refused to get in the car and was crying to the point where she couldn't breathe. It was awful.

Does anyone think that I am being over protective? It's taken me ages to bond with her, I hate to think that she's not happy.
=^..^=

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miaow
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Re: Concerned about my boyfriends daughter

Post by miaow » Sat Dec 20, 2008 5:26 pm

You can't switch the tv on or read a paper without finding out about another case of child abuse or neglect. Ppl have chosen to turn a blind eye. If your gut feeling is something is wrong tell your partner this. Are you friends with his ex partner? Could you offer to help her clean the house up - sometimes when things get in such a mess ppl cant bear to think where to start, and a helping hand may coax her into sorting it out and then to keep on top of it. The Bee's Nest is disgusting - she should have been onto the environmental health to sort this out - and your right - it's no place for any child to live.

All I can suggest is trying to help the mother, talking to your boyf - it's his daughter he must have concerns himself. What about her parents? Can your boyf talk to them?

IF nothing happens and your still concerned I think only option is social services - although Id be surprised if your boyf, as the girls father, doesnt do something (it shouldnt be up to you to sort this out).

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Bel Bel
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Re: Concerned about my boyfriends daughter

Post by Bel Bel » Mon Dec 22, 2008 10:37 am

I would call social services anonymously and let them decide, tell them all your concerns
Don't tell you b/f though as I think he may be annoyed but a childs life is the most importnat thing
It may be that your b/f is scared of having total responsibility for her and thats why he turns a blind eye
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whoopsie
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Re: Concerned about my boyfriends daughter

Post by whoopsie » Mon Dec 22, 2008 4:07 pm

Bel Bel wrote:It may be that your b/f is scared of having total responsibility for her and thats why he turns a blind eye

I really don't think that's the case. I think he would prefer her to live with us but we both work full time so I'm not sure how feasible it is. You could be right tho.

We had her for 4 consecutive nights last month, and she was an absolute angel and that's when we really started to bond. She spent 4 hours with her mum and came back to us as a devil child!! I know I can only go by what my bf tells me, and the small snippets I see (I took her mum to the hospital once cos she had 'whiplash' (she blatantly didn't, she was wearing 3 inch heels for goodness sake and throwing her head round like no one's business)) and the daughter did not say a word the whole time we were in the car. She's normally very chatty. I just think that since this new guy has come along, and she's got more spare time, her priorities have changed or shifted. My boyfriend was the same to be honest, but not to this extent.

I did ask him whether a cleaner would help his ex but his words were ''no, cos then she wouldn't be able to afford all the DVD's she wants!'' I asked if it was laziness, or just that the mess has got on top of her, and he said that she's always been like it.

I will keep an eye on the situation. As far as I am aware, she's not going to be staying with her mum much over xmas, and we have her from xmas morning through to the 29th i think so I know she'll be ok with us.
=^..^=

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