Im such a rubbish mum!

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Toni_no12002
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Im such a rubbish mum!

Post by Toni_no12002 » Thu Jan 25, 2007 7:12 pm

Hi Ill apologise beforehand if this gets long but please please read on and give me some advice! Thankyou

Well i have a son whos just turned 2.This all started about a year ago.Ive begun to feel so crappy.Im constantly upset and crying about anything and everything.I feel that everything i do will effect my son.Hes sooo clingy,he wont leave me alone.He wont play with his toys for very long before he cries for me or wants my attention.He has temper tantrums if he doesnt get what he wants but i dont know what he wants all the time because he cant talk properly he hardly says anything!A few words thats it.
Some of my friends has kids and they are about the same age and there speaking fine and arent clingy at all.
I have a brother who well went abit crazy and set fires and was picked on at school and hes been in prison twice as he set fire to a church and he tried to kill my dad.
Well my mum said that my brother used to act like my son when he was younger and im terrified he will turn out like him!

Ive become so miserable now that i cry and on weekdays i stay in a home most the time with my son.Im bored and feel so alone.I really want a job for 16 hours just to get out the house but im not flexible enough so its hard.

Most days i stay in watch tv and play with my son and then wait until his daddy/my bf get home.
My bf has noticed that im always upset and crying and i feel i cant talk to anyone.I have friends houses i can go to which i do but they work.When i do go round i talk to them about something and my son crys so i feel embarrassed and feel i have to make an excuse to go home.

I get stressed with my son (I never have or never will hit him or hurt him in anyway) and go in another room then come back but i try to find something to stop him crying so he gets his own way.

At weekends when my son goes to bed i go out to the pub with a friend and if i get drunk i get really upset or mardy.
Ive tried talking to my bf about the way i feel but he just says stop feeling sorry for yourself or tells me to go out.

The thing i dont understand is that even though i want to go out, i want to stay in at the same time and just want everyone to leave me alone.
People have noticed the way im being and asked why i never talked to them but i feel ashamed of myself.I have a house a bf and a beautiful little boy why arent i happy?

I realise that alot of how a person is ,is to do with how there taught in there life from a young age.Im scared my son will grow up like my brother or even worse.

I remember my grandad saying to me when i was pregnant just before he died that id make a really good mum.Well im not im awful at it.I feel such a failure and have even thought about ending it all but i wont because i dont want that for my son or anyone else around me.

I really dont know what is wrong please will someone help?
Toni

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Post by chat noir » Thu Jan 25, 2007 8:50 pm

he's probably just going through the terrible twos! my nephew is the same, he's just turned two as well and he screams and throws himself to the ground if he doesnt get his way, he's a bit spoilt because he is the first born and used to getting everything he wants. His mum (my sister in law) was also bored out of her mind when he was very young because she was a single mum, pregnant with another baby and had no job. she got back with the kids dad though and now she's working. could you perhaps work nights if your boyf works days? you could alternate so someone is always there for your little boy, and you could both work to get out of the house.

maybe you could find a job with a creche for kids so you could keep an eye on him? or find things in your area you could take him to? how old are you btw?

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Post by Toni_no12002 » Thu Jan 25, 2007 9:59 pm

Hi thanks for replying.Im 22.

i couldnt work nights because with my boyfriend working days id have no time to sleep.Also ive been looking to get him in a parent and toddler group and ive found one but its for an hour a week.Hes not going to learn much from an hour.I would hve thought it would have been at least two hours a week.
Toni

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Post by chat noir » Thu Jan 25, 2007 11:37 pm

could your/your boyfriends parents look after your son while you worked? I think you said your friends had children too, could you arrange a rota for them to have him one day a week or something? or ask them how they manage to work and be a mum?

its difficult when theyre so young I know because they need constant care!

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Post by Toni_no12002 » Fri Jan 26, 2007 8:59 am

My mum said she would help by looking after him as she doesnt work but my bf doesnt want me to work nights.I could of had a job working with my friend but my bf doesnt like him so he made it impossible for me to take the job.

My friend works but she always gives her kid to someone else she hardly ever has her and i dont want to be like that.

I constantly worry what people think of me

Its difficult because my bf and me seem to always be arguing.He moans at me alot and its upsetting.I go out on a night time once a week maybe on a fri night or a sat night.Sometimes i have gone out twice a week.But its because i get so bored.My bf moans because he says i never want to spend time with him but we never do anything anymore
Am i in the wrong should i stay in?
I think if i didnt go out though it would drive me mad.

My bf says im a mum before anything else and i understand that i am a mum but does that mean i cant have a life too?Its not like im out every night of the week.My bf never goes out either by himself with mates or in a couple with me.
I tell him that i will look after our son while he goes to a friends but he wont.

Ive nearly split up with him before because i dont feel like a couple anymore and even though i know he loves me i just dont feel loved anymore and im not sure that im in love with him.I care about him but its different to what it used to be.

Am i the one in the wrong here?I know im a mum and i love my son to bits but should i never have any time for me anymore to go out with friends?I am only 22 and he says that i cant act like i used to and i dont but i just want some fun occasionally.My bf is 24 and all he wants to do is stay in.

Im confused I dont mean to be such a cow.
Toni

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Post by chat noir » Fri Jan 26, 2007 3:49 pm

Toni_no12002 wrote:My mum said she would help by looking after him as she doesnt work but my bf doesnt want me to work nights.I could of had a job working with my friend but my bf doesnt like him so he made it impossible for me to take the job.

My friend works but she always gives her kid to someone else she hardly ever has her and i dont want to be like that.

I constantly worry what people think of me

Its difficult because my bf and me seem to always be arguing.He moans at me alot and its upsetting.I go out on a night time once a week maybe on a fri night or a sat night.Sometimes i have gone out twice a week.But its because i get so bored.My bf moans because he says i never want to spend time with him but we never do anything anymore
Am i in the wrong should i stay in?
I think if i didnt go out though it would drive me mad.

My bf says im a mum before anything else and i understand that i am a mum but does that mean i cant have a life too?Its not like im out every night of the week.My bf never goes out either by himself with mates or in a couple with me.
I tell him that i will look after our son while he goes to a friends but he wont.

Ive nearly split up with him before because i dont feel like a couple anymore and even though i know he loves me i just dont feel loved anymore and im not sure that im in love with him.I care about him but its different to what it used to be.

Am i the one in the wrong here?I know im a mum and i love my son to bits but should i never have any time for me anymore to go out with friends?I am only 22 and he says that i cant act like i used to and i dont but i just want some fun occasionally.My bf is 24 and all he wants to do is stay in.

Im confused I dont mean to be such a cow.


screw what other people say, as long as your son is healthy and happy, nobody can say he's not cared for. everyone deserves to go out sometimes and I know when you have a young child its hard to fit it in. could you work days and let your mum have your son while youre in work and then pick him up in the evening?
why dont you arrange a babysitter, and both go out for an evening out together? its valentines day soon, perhaps you could reignite the romance with a romantic meal?
of course youre not in the wrong for wanting to go out, it's natural! but its just a bit more difficult when kids are in the picture!

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Post by Toni_no12002 » Fri Jan 26, 2007 6:10 pm

hopefully my mum would look after my son if i got a job but it wouldnt be for many hours.As for my bf ive hinted that we should go somewhere as a couple but he always says we havent got the money but i know loads of places that do meals quite cheap im sure we could afford that but hes always got an excuse.

Sometimes i think that would be better off with someone else because im just rubbish at it.My bf moans if he gets home and the house is a mess because our son has been playing with toys.I always tidy them when hes finished but he always wants the house to be emaculate.

I used to be such a happy person but all i do now is cry.I feel like im losing it.
Toni

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Post by chat noir » Fri Jan 26, 2007 7:39 pm

there's no way the house can be immaculate all the time if you have a toddler - believe me my nephews are two and one and they make SUCH a mess all the time, its unbelievable how often I have to vacuum up and pick up toys! about 10 times a day!

is there a wetherspoons near you? they usually do a deal where you can get 2 meals for £6 or thereabouts, its a cheap meal, its not wonderful food but if it gets you out of the house its a start!

have you seen your doc? you could be depressed if you feel down all the time, maybe he would put you on antidepressants but that's really something you would need to ask him/her about.

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Post by Toni_no12002 » Sat Jan 27, 2007 11:19 pm

Im not really sure about the depression thing i mean i havent really got a reason to be depressed.Im not really sure.

We have got a weatherspoons near us but he doesnt like pubs or anythinglike that so i doubt hed even go it all seems hopeless!
Toni

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Post by The Lady » Tue Jan 30, 2007 12:27 am

Oh poor Toni!
I don't think that you're a rubbish mum (I have a daughter, 10 months old) but I think that you have a bit of a rubbish boyfriend!!! He doesn't like somebody so he made it impossible for you to get a job where they work? What is he, your lord and master? Do you tell him what jobs he can and can't have?
Honey i know just how you feel, sometimes I just walk up and down our street with the baby in her buggy, just to escape from looking at the same four walls, and my house is a mess too, and no you cant see the carpet for toys, what does your fella reckon is should be like with a two year old! Keep on going out, it'll keep you sane. Being a stay at home mum is harder that ANY job, I think. Don't be embarassed if your son crys at someone else's house, it's normal, even a really bad 'kick off' is totally normal at his age! Other parents will understand, no one will think any the less of you.
Your little boy is nearly nursery age, I think? The way I see it, I love my daughter tons and tons, but her going to nursery and then starting school is the beginning of me getting my life back! I think that you have the toddler blues, I bet that I will get them too, at the moment I get the 10 month old blues haha!
I can't help feeling that you are blaming yourself for everything, and that the people who should be reassuring you and supporting you are just agreeing with you! If you like, you can pm me and we'll have a mums' chat!
Lani
XXXX

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Post by retrochav » Fri Mar 16, 2007 11:34 am

Dear Toni,

You are doing your very best, and are a great mum because you recognise that its really tough going and want to make it better.

Your sons behaviour reflects the saddness he can see in you. Children know if things arent going good and want reassurance. This is making you feel crowded in and round it goes again.

Everything you descibe reminds me of when i was a guardian to my two cousins. I felt inadequate, useless and afraid that i was doing long term harm. I worried about being in too much, being out too much, playing with them and not doing housework / doing housework and not playing with them!

Things came to a head when my nan who had ten children and raised me said that a good parrent ignores "helpful" advice and trusts their instincts. Your son will come to no harm in the future as long as he is loved. Your brother obviously took a wrong turn later in life, but the same mum brought you up and you are doing well.

My advice is to stop punishing yourself and consider talking to your GP about how you feel. No one would take your son away from you merely because you are finding it hard to cope, however they can provide support to you.

Also take the plunge and look at joining a playgroup. Surestart schemes are dotted around, and the church may run a local scheme. Gingerbread is a charity which helps lone parrents, but can advise others on local play schemes as can the local council - the liabray in particular.

Never compare your child with anyone elses. I have childminded for many years and each child has its own strengths and weaknesses. Take him to the swings in the park and encourage him to play, you will see the changes as time goes by.

As for your partner, try to explain that you need a few hours each week to be a woman again rather than always "mummy". Even having a warm bath in peace or going shopping alone can make all the diffrence to you. Set aside some adult time when your son is asleep to be a couple, even if its just wine and tv and cuddles.

You are doing your best, and lack confidence in yourself. That is where the real problem is. Good Luck
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.

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Post by Toni_no12002 » Fri Mar 16, 2007 11:54 am

Hi thanks everyone!
I actually joined sure start today.It was only for an hour and 15 minutes but he seemed to enjoy it and was only abit clingy at the end.Also there courses for me to do aswell so he gets to play while i do something.I hope he learns more.

Thanks for everyones support :)
Toni

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Post by The Lady » Fri Mar 16, 2007 11:02 pm

Yay Toni for taking the plunge!
And yay retrochav for some spot on advice - ignore advice and trust your instincts! Wish I'd said that! The number of times I've been reading a child care book and thought 'cobblers!'

XXX

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Post by london23 » Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:51 pm

hiya, i havn't got any advice but just wanted to say i could have wrote that post myself, that is exactly how I felt when my daughter was 2. Shes 3 and a half now and goes to nursery school but I often feel like a rubbish mum and feel people look down on me etc. I have just posted a problem myself. I am 23 now and I wonder if the age thing has something to do with it because none of my friends have children and all work so feel quite different to them. my confidence has gone since she was born, i just often feel like i cant cope with her and if she plays up in front of people, i feel like i just dont know what to do. i wonder if its depression? anyway, didn't mean to go on about my own problem- is just i really understand what u r going through

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Re: Im such a rubbish mum!

Post by pinkroses » Thu Jun 11, 2009 8:31 am

I have a little boy as well and he is 4 now, he didn't speak very much at all at that age either and although he has a very outgoing personality he definetly had his moment of rage, but he has speech delay which made him frustrated because he couldn't communicate properly,and he only really started putting sentences together at about the age of 3 1/2. I don't know what area you live in but if you are really worried I would suggest seeing a health visitor who can put you in contact with a paediatrician and you will be put in contact with people who can offer more advice on what you can do. Having said that, all children develop at their own pace, and all children are different, so i've stopped comparing my son with other children, which at one point I was constantly doing and just do my best for him.

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