BEWARE: this is incredibly long...

[ninjapop]

the way i look is discusting - i hate the way i look i only look SOMETIMES nice with makeup, and you DON'T know how much i need to put on to look at least okayish. my hair is horrible and i never wash it and i just hate the way i look!
im so fake and ugly... - i'm so ugly and fake everything about me is fake, but why does every other fake person have a easy nice life?
look at all the makeup i wear <:( - i hate the amount i wear, i wish i was naturally pretty. but its an addiction, im too paranoid to stop if i see someone prettier than me it just makes me feel so angry!
i stuff my bra - i hate doing it but i do, most people my age my size have quite big boobs. i don't
i wish my boobs were so much bigger - why does the majority of people my size my age have bigger boobs then me! it's not fair, what have i done thats so bad in this world that i deserve this.
i want a curvy figure - people who are quite big like me dont have horrible legs or arms, they have curvs but i just have flabby and fat arms and legs ect!
no fat and flabs - its only me that has it
why am i wearing so much makeup - why? please i want to stop being so self-concious!
can't help myself.
thought about commiting suicide - a few times..
iv attempted to make myself throw up - but it never works its horrible when you do it. sticking your fingers down your throat is the most discusting feeling ever. - only did it because i want to lose weight so much
hate school so much - i hate it so MUCH! why do we have school? to learn? well i'd much rather just live on the streets then have to face stupid friends at school and be all hyper and giggly and then play fight with boys who hurt you much more then you hurt them, but obviously its all a joke right? right? right!
i wish i was nicer to my parents - i can't help but to shout and take the lemonade and swear and be mean. then there just so nice to me after and i feel like such a witch.
i cant control myself - i really can't, when i shout or get embarressed, oh i shout everything. and i just don't want to stop untill my point has been made and everything just stops going wrong.
i miss my 'little' brother too much - i miss him terribly. he was the best friend i could ever have, i told him everything and im sure he'd confine in me alot too. he acts younger than me when infact hes like 10 years older or something? i wish none of the jelly that happened to him happened. hes so nice and kind that he doesn't deserve it. i miss the way we watch family guy and just start bursting out laughing at everything. the way that we decide to go shops at like 12 at night. the way that we spend like 5pounds on sweets and eat them all untill we feel sick. the way we tell eachother jokes. the way we watch our special anime films together. the way we take the mick/lemonade out of everyone and do silly impressions. i just want it back.
just want everything to be perfect.- why is life so hard on me?
im confused lonley and i just dont understand anything.
too paranoid about everything. - WHY IS THAT GIRL PRETTIER THAN ME? WHY IS SHE UGLY BUT EVERYONE SOOO NICE TO HER? WHY DID THEY SAY THAT TO ME? ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT ME?
hate pretty people - why does she get to be pretty AND everyone likes her? its NOT fair.
i get too jealous over pretty people it makes me want to cry.
although there were alot of bad times id sarcafice all the bad times for the good ones.
i know the past was bad but i would do anything to go back anyway. id rather do all the bad times including the good ones then not do any good ones at all.
i just dont want to be my size. - why am i flabby but everyone whos big like me ISN'T? why have i got small boobs even though im big? why does nobody care about me anymore?
i want to stop eating.
im just thirteen years old, sorry for it being long i just needed to let it all out.

[Jo]

Hi Ninjapop

Welcome to the site - no need to be self conscious about what you look like here!

I can see you're having a very angry day. I remember feeling a bit like that sometimes, I used to wish I could zap people with laser beams from my eyes, lol. It's a good job it's impossible or I would have zapped a lot of people at my school when I was your age

Hope you don't mind me asking but what happened to your brother?

[ninjapop]

LOL zap people wiv your eyes
yeah i was having a bad day <:(
hes basically gone to prison for something he didn't do.

[Bel Bel]

Ninjapop even if you were having a bad day if you feel like this alot I think you need to go to the doctor and get some conselling. It sounds like you could have body dismorphia (when you have see your body completely different than it really is)
at the very least you have low self esteem and it can have a major affect on your well being and quality fo life
Get it sorted while you young so you don't carry this through into your adult life.


As for your brother that is really sad. Write to him and keep up his spirits and make jokes and fun inb your letters, he will love receiving them from you.
How long until he will get out?

[Jo]

Hi again

I'm really sorry to hear about your brother. I can understand how angry you must be about what's happened to him; will he be in prison for long? Are you keeping in touch with him as Bel Bel suggested?

As for your feelings about yourself and your body, I'm wondering whether you feel like that all the time or whether you were having a particularly bad day when you wrote your post and just needed to get things off your chest. Would you say that you feel like that most of the time? Or just sometimes?

[ninjapop]

i dont know, i feel like this quite often.
one minute im as happy as ever, then i get so depressed!
its been happening quite alot recently :/
thanks for the advice people x

[Bel Bel]

You may have a hormone imbalance of something else going on. Either way I think it might be best to go and talk this over with the doctor. prehaps keep a diary of your moods for a fwe weeks and rate them on a scale of 1 - 10 so you can see how often you are down

[Millenia]

The main thing you need to do is to go and see your doctor about the way you are feeling. What i say may come across as harsh but here it goes....
I've had an eating disorder for the past 10 years of my life. If you wanted to really loose weight you would be sticking your fingers down your throat, not eating and basically doing anything to loose weight.
Im glad you actually say it's the most disgusting thing as it is horrible, and you shouldn't be doing it to loose weight. Here i go preaching about how not to do anything i have already done...but here me out.
I was bullied at school, and at the time i was a big girl probably being about a size 20-22 when i was 11. Eventually i just stopped eating. I would think that life was rubbish because i didn't do anything wrong in my eyes, i wanted my life to end many times because i would look at other people and go 'why are they bullying me and not them?' so in my head it was because i was ugly and i deserved to be bullied until i made myself beautiful.
I would wear huge clothes to hide the weight i was loosing, and even at 6-7 stone i still felt the same, no weight was good enough for me. I was in a special clinic for about 3 months, i didn't care if i died in my head i had lost more than half my body weight and was feeling great, even though in reality i couldn't walk far as i was developing respiratory depression, i would get dizzy every 5 seconds standing up and in all honesty i look like rubbish.
I would scream at everyone and anyone because they obviously didn't understand the pain i was going through, they weren't ugly.

But then i grew up....

I realized that it wasn't me that i thought it was ugly, it was because of idiots. What you have to notice is that the more you feel bad about yourself, the more angry you get at other people and get jealous about them. No one has an 'easy' life.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, it's not just a simple case of you being ugly to everyone because that isn't true. Putting on too much make-up will make you look worse, so limit yourself to an eyeliner and some shadow - no foundation!
You don't want to be your size but you think all other big people don't have flab? that's non-logical thinking. Fat is flab, it's excess fat that hangs off your bones. I doubt you are big, but to you right now in your mind you are big.
You don't have boobs because your thirteen, and again the girls you think do have boobs. You know what boobs are right? the bigger you get, they get big as well because they collect excess fat. Fat just doesn't go on your tummy and hips. It's why women who are pregnant have bigger boobs as they hold nutrients and fat for the baby when it is born to feed it.

I feel for you, i wouldn't like to go back to thinking the way you are thinking now - it's tiring isn't it? Thinking the world is against you /hugs

Of course you miss your brother, of course you feel horrible after whats happened. But you need to go and see your doctor and get counseling.
Im not sure if you are allowed to do this on your won thought because of your age? Maybe snail knows.

Whatever you feel , you can vent it out here and we'll listen.
Were here for you.
Millenia

[Jemima]

hey, i know exactly how you feel,i'm just 14 and weight wise i think i'm fat, although other people dont think so, i do.
you arent alone, i've thought about making myself throw up many times just to lose a little bit of weight so i could be skinny like most of my friends but i have a bit of a thing about puke so i've always pushed that idea out of my head as i couldnt ever face doing that.
and yep i too think everyone else has it so easy when they dont have to constantly worry about their figure and what everyone thinks of you in public.
girl to girl, teenager to teenager, i dont particularly have an issue with my face because i know i'm not ugly. just a few anoying spots and i wish my eyes were bright blue like my mum instead of a caramely brown but things like that you cant help and you have to accept it. if it's spots your worried about use a concealer, (benifit stuff is amazing) dont use orange wotsit coloured foundation because when you look like an oompa loompa everyone thinks "WTF!" and automatically you're classed as a 'slut' or 'fake'. Dont wear so much mascara that you basically only have like 4 eyelashes because that looks awful. a little bit of black/brown eyeliner looks really nice on everyone. NOT like amy winehouse or anything, just a faint line along the very bottom of your eye, where you're eyelashes grow. smiling lots is one of the best qualities and no one can call you ugly if you have a beautiful personality which probably answers your question about why pretty people talk to more unfortunate looking people, they're probably really nice girls and when you're happy and look like your having fun and nice to people (even if you feel miserable) everyone likes you!
i hope this helps ^^
xxxxxx