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mum always hurting people

Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2018 8:38 pm
by saramidnite
hello every one.

a quick some up. my mum and dad well put it politely not kind to me mentally and physically. my mum left my dad when I was 10 and my middle sister 6years old for late step dad who died 2years ago.

it gets a bit complicated which I won't go in to custody cases and me getting hurt then by all 3 of them. I ran away at 17. to cut it short I'm 33. my mum and step dad had a daughter now 20.

I did raise her for the 1st 5 years of her life as my mum wouldn't. so I am very close to her. I guess I feel protective.

my mum is always negative even before her husband died. she has always been mentally abusive. thinks it is ok. her and my baby sister fight like cat and dog.
every day my mum moans to me about her.

either she never home. never pays for stuff. yes my sister doesnt have a job. has not signed on in hope of getting a job. which yes don't help my mum money wise. I do agree.
ive been trying to courage her with getting work. she has another interview tomorrow. I spent an hour giving her advice. but my mum kept texting me moaning about my sister while on the phone to my sister. to the point I had enough and told my sister.

mum hated the fact my baby sister told me how depressed she feels due to my mum.
I got to the point of telling my mum they both moan to me about each other. they both entitled to take each other as they have feelings. I am feed up being made to feel I have to take sides. It not fair and I won't do it.
I will always try to help but that it.

my mum blaming my sister for all her money problems. but my mum keeps quitting jobs. she left a job she didn't like for another and quit that after 2days as she said they don't do things to her standards.

she always puts herself first. at the moment I'm grieving as I lost a baby at the end of August a 10 years ago. found out this year i will never have kids. my mum so wrapped up to care how I am not coping. instead turning it to a competition of who worst off or who more sick as I was recently in hospital. it to much.

i can't help know more. if you disagree she has ago at you then bad mouths you to the rest of the family. the rest of the family don't want to talk to her.
I feel awful and don't know what to do for the best.

Re: mum always hurting people

Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2018 1:25 pm
by reckoner
I found your description of your relationship with your sister very touching. Though you have clearly had a very rough time of things with your parents, it is wonderful that you are providing such good support to your sister. She is only young still, it's great that she's managed to get an interview, and I'm sure with the right effort and support from you, she will be able to get a job soon enough.
saramidnite wrote:my mum kept texting me moaning about my sister while on the phone to my sister. to the point I had enough and told my sister.
No matter how frustrated you feel about your mother's constant complaints about your sister, I think it's a very bad idea to tell your sister about it. This will only make your sister feel worse and suck you deeper into the animosity that already exists between them, and I don't even think it will make you feel better. Nor should you tell your mother about what your sister says. I think you should keep communications with them both strictly confidential to avoid making a bad situation worse. It is quite understandable that you need to vent your frustration, but it should not be to either of them. You need someone outside the situation to vent to.

My mother also has a tendency to complain on and on about the same things and no amount of advice from me ever seems to make any difference. I can also find myself getting drawn in to her complaints and get frustrated that we both end up saying the same things over and over. I have learned that this just doesn't do either of us any good and that if she says things I've either heard before or don't agree with, it's more effective to just withdraw from the conversation. No matter how much I disagree with her, arguing just doesn't work. In fact, not saying anything seems to have more impact than arguing, she at least gets curious (If she asks, I just say, "I'm sorry, I don't agree.").

So I suggest that the next time your mother complains to you about things you have already discussed or you disagree with, stay quiet, don't encourage her by responding. Any response at all, even arguing the opposite view, I think is encouraging her, and draining for you. So just stay silent. If she tries to get a response from you, simply say: "We've discussed this before so you already know my feelings about it" or "I'm sorry, I don't agree."

I expect your mother will always be like this, and that there's nothing you can really do about it. The best you can do is work to minimise the negative impact of her behaviour. Keep your advice and involvement in your mother and sister's relationship to practical matters only - ignore the emotional aspect of it and the complaints they have about each other. That way, I think you can give your sister the help she needs to sort her situation out, while preserving your own mental health.

It is a great shame your mother can't find it in herself to support you with your own troubles, but it seems from previous posts that you have an excellent relationship with your partner, and also your sister, so I hope you're able to find comfort in that.

Re: mum always hurting people

Posted: Wed Aug 29, 2018 8:34 am
by saramidnite
thank you. I do agree I shouldn't of told my sister what the texts said I am not good at handling my emotions part of it is due to my Austin so I can react if I'm up set. I will take your advice and from now on be quite. I will listen and say I have already discussed this with you. when she is horrible to other for example my cousin getting engeged or my middle getting pregant would it be wrong of me to say it is non of my business so I refuse to judge. i was very happy for them. my mum any and me a it very clear.

Re: mum always hurting people

Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2018 10:50 am
by reckoner
saramidnite wrote:when she is horrible to other for example my cousin getting engeged or my middle getting pregant would it be wrong of me to say it is non of my business so I refuse to judge.
I think being non-judgmental is a very valuable quality, but if people ask you how you feel about your mother's behaviour, I think it's OK to be honest about your disappointment or frustration with it (without going into long complaints), and it may also help or comfort the person she is horrible to by knowing that you don't approve.

A good guiding principle about what to say in a situation like that, I think, is to consider whether what you say will make the situation better or worse and if it will provide comfort or make someone more upset. If you're not sure, then keeping out of a situation that you are not directly involved with is probably best.

Ultimately, you can't control what your mother does - she speaks for herself. When you express your own happiness for your relatives' engagement and pregnancy, people can see that your mother speaks only for herself without you saying anything about it.