Wedding

[Dog lover]

I've never had a good relationship with my family especially my mum, but when I got engaged 2 years ago it went from bad to worse. Firstly when we announced our good news my mums reaction was not how I hoped, her reply was " what made you get engaged" didn't even look at my ring. Then as we started organising the wedding my mum took no interest whatsoever. I took her to try on dresses and the one I chose she said looked "nice on me". I'm a big girl so to hear that was so cutting that I honestly didn't want to just be "nice". In the end I took my mother in law to be and found the dress for me. Every other detail of the wedding I've tried to involve her in and it's like talking to a brick wall apart from her demand of a car to take her to venue. My mum knows nothing about the arrangements and it's upsetting as now I don't even want to get ready at hers on the day and it's 3 months till the day. I never see her as she hasn't even asked where I moved to and only contacts me by text once a month. My dad was given a year to sort a father and daughter song but has since said to sort it myself. My mum paid for our flight and accommodation for honeymoon but didn't want to see what she was paying for

What my question is am I over reacting with this? I just feel they don't care and it is hurting me. I've also had it out with them before and told them how I feel but nothing changes .

[reckoner]

I can imagine how much you want to share the excitement and preparations with your mother, but it seems you have very clear expectations of how she should behave and what she should say. Given the history you have together, I think you're setting yourself up for disappointment. No single event, whether it's a wedding or a baby, is going to change a relationship overnight. It takes a lot of time and effort from both parties to make things better.

My personal view is that dealing with humans is not that different from training a dog: it's more effective to reward good behaviour than to reprimand the bad. When you get annoyed at your mother for not expressing the enthusiasm you want, you'll make it seem more like a chore to her. Instead, show her gratitude for the things that she has done, like paying for your honeymoon. If she can see how happy she makes you when she participates, she's more likely to want to do it.

Family relationships are the most difficult ones to deal with. On the one hand, no one knows us as well as them, but on the other they don't know us half as well as they think they do. No one can be more judgmental or jump to conclusions so quickly. And it works both ways!

Your mother might be the Queen of Understatement, or perhaps the resentment goes much deeper than that. All I can be sure of is that the best and quickest way to spoil your wedding is to waste your feelings on resentment towards your family. They are what they are, they're not going to change and whatever their faults, you wouldn't be who you are without them.

[Dog lover]

Thank for the reply. I think it bothers me more when I think back to when my sister was getting married, my mum went everywhere with her and can even remember her constantly saying she was still paying off my sisters wedding months after it was over. I just wish I had what my sister got (a mum who bothered about her daughters wedding) just seems to be my partners mum who's stepped in as mum for me which is nice but hurts a bit.

[snail]

Is there a chance she isn't happy about the man you're marrying?

I thought what she said about your dress sounded quite nice actually. And paying for your honeymoon is very generous; my own mum would never have done something like that. Your Dad's behaviour sounded worse I thought, because you weren't asking much of him.

It does hurt - a lot - when your parents don't care about you. But it's something that is lacking in them, not something that is lacking in you. You just have to accept them as much as you can for who and what they are.

[Dog lover]

I'm not sure if they like my husband to be because anytime I ask they just reply"if your happy " I asked my dad through text to go for his kilt but got no reply, eventually my h2b phoned my parents only to be told that my dad's to busy. I've had enough of all the hassle and after a year and a half of tears and frustration I've eventually told them they aren't welcome at our wedding because they don't deserve to be there ..... I've not heard from them since

[snail]

It's a shame to have a big family split hanging over your big day (although I agree that their behaviour's pretty bad). It won't be quite the same without your dad to give you away even if you're not on good terms with him. And once it's done, you can't go back and have the day again, or take the pictures again, or remember it differently. It will be awkward for your sister too, if she goes and they don't. I would tell them you've changed your mind, and just let them come. If they aren't interested in kilts or dresses, well, they aren't. It's sad but you have to work with what you have. If you don't want to see them after the wedding you don't have to.

[Dog lover]

It's all too late now. My sister has said she won't attend as not taking sides (really she is by not going) my mums been texting abusive messages all weekend and demanding the £2000 that she paid for honeymoon back and refuses to hand over birth certificate. Really everything's a mess now .

[ILoveChristmas]

I'm really sorry to hear how this is turning out. I think from here the most you can do is write to your mum, dad and sister telling them when and where you're going to be married and that you would like them to be a part of your big day just by being there. After that you can do no more other than hope they come to their senses before the big day. Put your focus into your husband-to-be and his family and use them to help you try to get excited about things.

With regard to your mum's £2000, if you plan to pay it back but can't afford to do so in a single lump I'd contact her with a suggestion of how much and how often you can give her. She gave you the money as a gift and so I wouldn't say you were obliged to pay her back at all, therefore any payments you make to her should be ones that work given your own financial situation, whatever that may be.

If she won't give you your birth certificate you can order a copy of it from here:

https://www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-dea ... ertificate