Moving to live with parents

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Moving to live with parents

Postby AlwaysGrumpy » Sat Dec 01, 2012 12:59 pm

It's been quite an eventful year for me. I'm 20, currently doing a sandwich degree, and I'm facing some difficult decisions. I'd really like some impartial advice because anyone I would usually ask is in some way biased.

I spent the first few months of this year acting very erratic - I suspect a lot of this was a result of medication's side effects. It affected my relationship with my parents very badly. Eventually the bad feeling in the household got unbearable. We had a breaking point when my parents attempted (quite forcefully) to end my relationship with my boyfriend, blaming him for a variety of things including the breakdown of my relationship with them. I had never known my parents to be quite as cruel as they were, even though I know they felt they were acting correctly and out of love.

They then moved a seriously long way away. I did consider going with them and attempting to rebuild our relationship but didn't want to make what I felt was a sacrifice in my education. I stayed put and over the last few months have seen my boyfriend again; overall our relationship's been very good.

However, I'm now facing a dilemma in where to go for the year in industry I'm supposed to be doing next year. My parents want me to go to be with them. They have just been home for a week and I've realised quite how much I miss the close relationship I always had with my mother in particular. It's very tempting, and I would get a lot more money out of it because I'd be living with my parents, not paying rent. I discussed this with my boyfriend - we've now been together close on 2 years - and he's quite upset. I had intended to try and get a placement within 2 hours of where I currently am. He voiced hopes that we would live together but I'm not sure I'll be able to afford living as far away from work. Also my parents would probably be upset by this arrangement and how little I would see them. I don't want to lose them either.

At the same time, my boyfriend has even faithful even when my parents treated him very shabbily. I'd like to hope this relationship had a future. At present he says if I move so far away, he'd rather break it off because he feels that the emotional strain would be too great. At present he's resistant to the idea of spending his uni holidays with me at my family's new home, because as I mentioned, they have been very unreasonable towards him in the past. (My mother claims that he would be welcome at any point and I'd love it if all of my loved ones could put aside their grudges!) I reckon in reality he would try to maintain the relationship, though whether we would manage the year is less predictable, and possibly depends on whether he and my parents actually get on okay in reality. Personally I'd be willing to do it long-distance, but then again I'm the one benefiting from the scenario.

I'd like your thoughts. I think that most people would take the opportunity to travel and earn money without a second thought, and say that if the relationship is meant to be, it'll work out. But frankly, if I had been my boyfriend I would have run far, far away from me when my parents tried to break us up, and I don't know how I'd have survived the turmoil of the rest of this year without him.
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Re: Moving to live with parents

Postby snail » Sun Dec 02, 2012 12:01 pm

Yes, that is a dilemma. Overall, my feeling reading your post was actually that your boyfriend deserves more loyalty than your parents do. I appreciate that they felt breaking up your relationship was the right thing to do, but nonetheless, they should never have attempted something like that - at your age your love life is really none of their business and it's genuinely shocking that they would behave like that. They then moved a long way away and left you alone - so much for supporting you. Your boyfriend, by contrast, stuck with you when most guys would have gone, and has been there for you. I feel that he's right to ask to be put first.

I'm not necessarily saying don't move in with them, just that in arranging your priorities I would give consideration to your boyfriend over your parents. For example, it might be that the financial benefits of living with them enable you to get a place with your boyfriend when the year is up, or visit him more often, or to spend the holidays somewhere alone together, so you might decide to go for it based on that. But I would involve him, and make it so that you come to a joint decision together as to what's best. I also think it's not fair to ask him to spend holidays at your parents' house after what has happened. I wouldn't do that if I were him.

You can probably re-kindle your close relationship with your parents by other means (visits etc) and to be honest I think you're more likely to do that if you don't live together - moving back with your parents as an adult will be hard, and you may well find your relationship deteriorates again. And remember that the natural trajectory of your life is such that you are moving away from them now anyway as you grow up, and the relationship will change.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Moving to live with parents

Postby AlwaysGrumpy » Sun Dec 02, 2012 5:19 pm

The sheer distance is making it very hard. We're talking about thousands of miles away here, not hundreds. No matter where I stay I'll have very few holidays, perhaps 3 weeks in the year, so have fairly little opportunity to see whomever I leave. I'd guess there is every chance it will kill my relationship with the person I'm not seeing.

Yes, my ideal would probably be to spend the year with my parents and try to make every concession towards my boyfriend. At this stage in our lives it will be hard for us to afford it and I'd expect to use my earnings to help him afford flights as well as myself. I wondered if we could meet somewhere in the middle (though this might even be more expensive) to give us some privacy.

A lot of my concerns come from the idea of sustaining this relationship longer term too. I have a few reservations. For both of us, this is our first relationship and whilst it doesn't bother me, I knew it does bother my boyfriend. For some reason we seem to know a lot of couples who have open relationships and seem mutually satisfied by the arrangement; I'm very monogamous (the boy is occasionally nippy about my 'closed-mindedness') and fear that my boyfriend will ultimately be dissatisfied with that. We've discussed it, and he does want to commit to me, but I sometimes wonder whether this difference is too... Fundamental.
Secondly, I wonder of my relationship does have a future if it can't integrate with the rest of my life, if my boyfriend can't tolerate my parents. Not that I can really blame him. And lastly, I wonder about what my mother says, when she worries that he's 'too selfish' in small ways. Expecting to be driven places, or not making time to see me when he's busy then expecting that I'm always free. She claims it shows he doesn't care enough.

I suppose nobody else can actually tell me if this guy's a good'un or not. A part of me doesn't want to live with him and out all my eggs in one basket. My gut feeling is that I don't want to break up with him; he's faithful, he doesn't deserve it, and he's been my best friend for so long I don't know how I'd manage without him.
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