Won't allow me go see my boyfriend

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Won't allow me go see my boyfriend

Postby rebekah » Wed Nov 30, 2011 9:00 pm

hi :)

im 18 years old, im a legally an adult well in Ireland it is 18 the legal age.
My boyfriend is Spanish and recently moved back to Tenerife. I have always wanted me to go over there and always believed when i was 18 i could go and my mam would allow me or else would have no choice but allow me cos im 18, the legal age of an adult. BUT when i did ask my mam, the third time round (it was serious this time, i had dates and i have saved and have the money), she said no. My mam had no other reason but to say she doesnt want me in a serious relationship and its for my own good that shes sayin no. I told her i was being respectful and asking her instead of jus telling her. I WAS ASKING HER even though i didnt need to. she says that even if i am 18 i still live under her roof, she still pays for my education, everything. i have been looking for a job and have had no luck but its not as if i take it all for granted.

what should i do for her to allow me to go? like i need advice on what to say. i have already cried to her (genuinely) and wrote her letter. neither have worked, she says her compromise is to allow me in summer. but i think shes only sayin that cos from here to summer who knows if il even be with him! going in january would make me so so happy and allow our relationship to have a better chance. i am holding a grudge and will do i cant help it, im so unhappy with her. and in life in general cos i dunno when im gonna see him again and its her fault. im only asking for permission, not anything else but that :(
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Re: Won't allow me go see my boyfriend

Postby Ticktock » Thu Dec 01, 2011 12:15 am

It is a shame when I read of parents breaking the first rule of dealing with teenage lovers, never get in the way of them being together! Did they never watch Romeo and Juliet, the suffering, the hopelessness of young love torn apart by the evil adults!

Good that's the drama out my system now on to the practical stuff, your mum is doing this for the best reasons, however much you may love your boyfriend unless you are prepared to move to Tenerife then keeping the relationship going will be very difficult. She knows that seeing him in January may indeed cheer you up, but she will be the one who has to live with you pining for him until the summer when you can next afford to go, and live with the storms if you get a 'dear Rebekah' email in the meantime. Assuming your mother didn't make your boyfriend move to Tenerife then your separation is not her fault...

She doesn't have to grant permission, and you in all honesty don't need it, so holding a grudge and going out with a spiteful 'up yours' is likely to push her parental loyalties to the limit. Just explain calmly that you are going, don't have a row, you are going and that is an end to it. She won't be happy but it never hurts to remind your parents occasionally that their little angel/devil has grown up. Just show her you are being careful with contraception (that is assuming you are in a household which she would be accepting of that conversation of course) and don't expect this to be any more than a sticking plaster on the pain of trying to maintain a long distance relationship. You have to make the decision on how to make this relationship sustainable. You will essentially have completely separate lives between visits, that is a lot of loneliness for someone young. Whatever my disagreement with your mum's tactics, she is right to believe that maybe this relationship has run its course, however heartbreaking that may be.
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Re: Won't allow me go see my boyfriend

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:29 am

I understand why tickock is saying just go but in your circumstances your mum is paying for your education and providing a roof over your head for free.
If you can afford to go away perhaps she resent that you don't use the money on other things or pay her some.
Also you must think through the consequences. Would she chuck you out? Where would you go? She is right that you live in her hopuse and should live by her rules that's part of life. If you rent you live by the landlords rules, if you work you live by the bosses rules. Perhaps part of this is to teach you that you can't always have what you want.
Does your mum know this boy?, perhaps her concern is your safety. What if you get there and have a row with your b/f, where will you go?
Have you asked her what her reasons are for not letting you go. If you can understand these maybe you can compromise.
What about getting your b/f to come to you, maybe these would be more acceptable to your mum?
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Re: Won't allow me go see my boyfriend

Postby rebekah » Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:19 pm

i understand that she pays for everything and yes she has said she doesnt like how i have money saved and legting her pay for stuff but if i do go its better for me to say you dont need to do anything jus permission and rules for when im there. she knows my boyfriend hes been to the house lots, there has been problems with his mam though so tha'ts holding my mam back a bit for safety beneifts but im getitng older, like i deal with stufff myself she cant decide whats best and whats not.... im too afraid to jus sit down and say mam im going cos like you said she might not wanna know me and to be honest i dont wanna leave the country knowing my mam hates the idea i wont enjoy myself then... i give few funny hints sometimes jus to let her know i havent forgotten. is this jus a case of her not wanting me to have a long distance relationship and shes scared for me? i think its silly, if im not allowed now when will i? like shes jus holding off... and she even said to me i would let you go with your girls on holidays AND SHE SAYS NO TO GOING TO SAFE HOUSE WITH MY BF? i think she is jus making excuses, she likes my boyfriend like i dunno what her problem is! i am jus constantyl let down by it i cant have a proper conversation with her anymore :( uhhhhh and i wont pine if i get to see him i will be the happiest girl alive! :)
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Re: Won't allow me go see my boyfriend

Postby highlandcow » Sat Dec 03, 2011 6:18 pm

Hi Rebekah,

Firstly I think it's great that you asked permission to go and visit. It shows respect. I think that your mum isn't trying to be mean, she's just looking out for you. I remember the first time I went on a holiday by myself with a boyfriend- my Dad wasn't best pleased, and he cried when I left home at 19 too. I think it's hard for parents to finally see their children grow up, and for you to be old enough to a) want to do this and b) to be old enough to make the decision to do it must remind her that her little girl has grown up.

I guess she can't force you to stay but I'd try and find out the reasons why. Fear is probably a huge part of it, but it's something that you have to do eventually. I'm guessing that she's of the idea that a little distance between a couple can actually do wonders (and it can! My and my boyfriend were apart for 4 months and we got much closer than we might otherwise have done.) She might be reluctant to let you honour there in case (God forbid) things didn't work out and you came back heartbroken. My parents have both told me that getting me through my first heartbreak was probably harder on them than on me!

What I would do is think of all the reasons she might have for opposing your decision, sit down with her and discuss them. If you can think of mature counter arguments and ways to help alleviate her fears then she might relent. Remember maturity is the name if the game here, keep your cool even if she's driving you mad as there's nothing that will make her stick to her guns faster than a screaming match. #-o

Try to keep in mind that it's probably hard for her to see you as an adult, making these decisions, when for the last 18 years she's been protecting you and making decisions for you. That can be hard to come to terms with for a parent. Don't be too hard on her.

Good luck, hope you get to see him, let us know how you get on. :)
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Re: Won't allow me go see my boyfriend

Postby rebekah » Thu Dec 08, 2011 2:17 am

hey :)

thank you so much thats good advice :D honestly i smiled through that haha,
i know being mature is defo the way to go and its true, every time i talk about it with her i shout and cry and tell her shes not nice! see my problem is i am kind of a bit awkward and being mature and serious is not me .... and i jus have this feeling that she will say no anyways and because i have gone through it 3 times now, i jus think she will say no. she has told me that anybody she has asked like what whey would do, they have all said no dont let her or like advise her not to. i only have my mam she has nobody to discuss these things with (my dad passed away) and so i have a feeling she is trying to be extra protective. i know it must be hard for allowing me to go off on a plane by myself to a boooy but like i am at the age where this is what il be doing like for summers and everything. i have been very down about the whole thing and she has noticed and we had a fight about it so now im trying to improve like comminication again.... i am allowed in May and for me that is okay, but im not giving up on being allowed go earlier than that...

thanks for understanding me :) :)
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