My mum..

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PinkBlueBird
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My mum..

Post by PinkBlueBird » Wed Jul 08, 2009 10:17 pm

I come from a very religeous family, and my parents (who met at a prayer group) brought us up strictly catholic.
When I was 16 I stopped going to church, because I wasn't sure what I believed, and I now class myself as agnostic. Needless to say my parents found this very difficult to deal with and argued with me a lot over it, begging me to go back to church etc. They still don't accept that I don't share their faith.

Now at the age of 21, I am still living with my parents with plans to move out as soon as I get a decent enough job.
But my mum limits everything I do in my life partly because she's over-protective and partly due to her religeous beliefs..

For instance, I am not allowed to stay out past 12 midnight, I'm not allowed to stay on the computer after 12 midnight, I'm only allowed to visit friends if she has met them before, and knows where they live, and has their phone numbers....etc. etc. I can't rebel, because she says that she'll throw me out of the house, leaving me with no place to live.

The worst thing about it is that it interferes heavily with my relationship with my boyfriend. we can't go out on dates without her okaying it first, and I've had to fight just to be allowed to go and see him at his flat... and she warns me that if I stay over with him she'll never speak to me again (mainly because she doesn't want me to sleep with him before we're married.. but I see nothing wrong with pre-marital sex)

I know that I should probably follow her rules if I'm living under her roof, but I feel very restricted and it's getting me down.

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snail
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Re: My mum..

Post by snail » Wed Jul 08, 2009 10:42 pm

If you are working full time you should be able to afford to get a room in a shared house. I think that might be better for you than the situation you're now in, although money would be probably be tighter for you than it is now, and housemates can be difficult to live with (noisy, messy, etc) which is something to consider.

Your mum is completely in the wrong here - she is controlling you in a way that's more appropriate to a teenager, not someone in their early twenties. She also has no right to impose her religious beliefs on you, it's for you to make up your own mind about your values. She has the right to say what you do and don't do IN HER HOUSE but NOT to try and control your behaviour when outside the home, which is what she's doing - you should be allowed to go out when and where you want and do what you want during that time, it's none of her business. What's more shocking is that she is using the threat of making you homeless to try and get you to comply with she wants - that's not exactly loving behaviour!

I think you would be better off out of this environment, but until you find an alternative place to live you will obviously have to put up with it. Unfortunately, I doubt moving out will solve all the problems with your mum - she is clearly anxious to control you and that won't stop just because you don't live with her. Once she no longer has the threat of homelessness to hold over you if you don't obey her, she is likely to resort to simply threatening to never see you again. You will have to be prepared for future conflicts as you grow up and live your life - I suppose all you can say to her is that you love her (assuming you do) but you don't see things the way she does, and leave it at that.
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Re: My mum..

Post by Bel Bel » Thu Jul 09, 2009 10:29 am

Also if you are thrown out you will be housed in temporary accomodation and will then be given somewhere to live
The house share is a good option but if not let her throw you out and get away from this environment
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Re: My mum..

Post by dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jul 22, 2009 10:47 am

I agree with Snail and Bel Bel.

snail wrote:Your mum is completely in the wrong here - she is controlling you in a way that's more appropriate to a teenager


She is controlling you and she shouldn't; yes she should advise but not control. Also you should abide by her rules in the house but not when out.
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Re: My mum..

Post by spacegirl » Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:05 am

I do think it's wrong that your mum exerts so much control over your life, however i don't agree with what some people have said on here. your mum brought you up religiously and she obviously has very strong beliefs, the way she is acting is because she thinks she is doing it for your own good not out of any malice. I too was brought up a catholic and stopped going to mass when i was about 14, my parents weren't happy with it but they respected it so i guess i was lucky - but as soon as my lifestyle started to become a problem, i moved out. I have a much better relationship with them now than i did when i lived with them and I can do what i want without hurting anyones feelings.

I do think your mum is being a bit extreme, however these are her beliefs, as long as you live with her she'll still see you as her little girl and i think that if you're going to continue living with her you should respect that. She may be old fashioned and controlling, but she isn't abusive and deep down only wants the best for you. While I do agree that no-one has the right to impose religious beliefs on others, as i said she probably doesn't realise that you're an adult, as far as she's concerned she's honouring the promises she made when you were baptised. So technically, this is why she's "imposing" her beliefs on you.

Go into a flatshare, i know it depends on where you live and all but if you budget properly it's not that expensive to live away from home. I also think you'd be much happier and your relationship with your mum would be better. It will be hard for your mum to accept at first, but i think this will make her realise that you're a grown up and that her job to bring you up as a catholic is over.
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Re: My mum..

Post by Bel Bel » Wed Jul 22, 2009 4:25 pm

PinkBlueBird wrote:

For instance, I am not allowed to stay out past 12 midnight, I'm not allowed to stay on the computer after 12 midnight, I'm only allowed to visit friends if she has met them before, and knows where they live, and has their phone numbers....etc. etc. I can't rebel, because she says that she'll throw me out of the house, leaving me with no place to live.

.



I am not sure how these can be because of religious beliefs but I do understand the perspective you are tryting to put accross spacegirl

The sleeping with b/f one is the religiously understandable point but you could sleep with him in the day anyway, she can't actually stop you but she wnats to stop you sleeping there to limit the chance and so she doesn't have to accept it might actually be happening
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Re: My mum..

Post by PinkBlueBird » Wed Jul 29, 2009 8:26 pm

Thanks for the much needed advice guys :)

I understand what you mean spacegirl, and I don't hate my mum for wanting the best for me.
But I can't really cope with living here.

Since I now have a job I can look at moving out.
My boyfriend wants me to move in with him soon, and I'm all for it, once I've sorted things out.

So my problem has changed quite a bit..
When I get to the point where I am moving in with my boyfriend, how on earth do I tell her what I'm doing?
I know that nomatter how I tell her she'll be really unhappy, but I want to tell her in a way that won't make her fly of the handle.
I'd rather cause the least upset that I can over this.

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Re: My mum..

Post by dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu Jul 30, 2009 8:58 am

PinkBlueBird wrote:When I get to the point where I am moving in with my boyfriend, how on earth do I tell her what I'm doing?


Tell her in plenty of time so that it doesn't come as such a shock to her. Include her.
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Re: My mum..

Post by RagDoll » Thu Jul 30, 2009 10:56 am

In addition to what Dipsy said, remind your Mum that you and your boyfriend love each other very much (assuming you do!) and that you're happy. If she does get annoyed I would also add that lifestyles/society has changed - a lot of people move in with their partners before they get married (she must know this whether she accepts it or not - you're only doing what a lot of people your age are doing). She can't stop you living your life the way you want to, at the end of the day you're an adult now.

My parents aren't religious, but they can be a bit old fashioned sometimes with regards to their views. I do actually value the fact they have such good morals, but sometimes we have to agree to disagree. I know that they don't agree that couples should move in together before marriage, but I live with my boyfriend and they didn't try and persuade me otherwise. I know how they feel on the matter, but they let me make my own choices.
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Re: My mum..

Post by PinkBlueBird » Thu Sep 03, 2009 7:02 pm

Just to let you guys know that I'm moving in with my boyfriend at the end of october, and I finally had the guts to talk to my mum about it.

She was very, very unhappy about it, but said that she respects my right to make decisions as an adult, and that she hopes I don't stop contact with the family (which I wasn't going to anyway).
She also apologised for the reactions she'd had in the past and the way she had been trying to control me.
the discussion ended with my mum hugging me, which I think is a very good sign :)

thanks so much for your advice and support, I really needed it.

x

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Re: My mum..

Post by snail » Thu Sep 03, 2009 10:10 pm

That sounds like a brilliant outcome, really pleased to hear it. Your mum came up trumps in the end :D
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: My mum..

Post by dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Sep 04, 2009 8:28 am

Ditto what Snail said. :)

Well done for talking about it :)
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Re: My mum..

Post by LME79 » Fri Sep 04, 2009 9:08 am

I've seen this topic very very late on but I can totally relate to you. My parents, especially my mother, are Catholic and I had a bit of a tough time from around the same age as you. Am now coming up to 30 (eek!) and my relationship with my mum has improved loads since I moved out. I hope the same goes for you. x
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Re: My mum..

Post by Bel Bel » Fri Sep 04, 2009 11:48 am

Wow this is a fantastic outcome, Congrats and good luck with the move
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