Feeling less important

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Feeling less important

Postby whoopsie » Tue Jun 09, 2009 11:16 pm

A little bit of background to start. I'm the middle child of 3, older sister, younger brother. My parents divorced 4 years ago, my mum remarried 3 years ago. I live almost the same distance from my mum as my dad, about 20 miles, not very far. My sister lives in Wales and my brother at Uni in Lancaster. I live with my boyfriend.

I have always felt like I've suffered from 'middle child syndrome'. I'm not the first born or the only boy. I'm the only one who didn't go to grammer school, I'm currently unemployed and in debt, always seem to have boy trouble (thankfully not at the moment tho) whereas my brother is at uni and my sister is settled with a wonderful husband and her first baby on the way. I get on really well with my mum, she's my best friend but not as well with my dad. I guess cos I am tee total and he's an alcoholic so I can't get drunk with him (that's how it feels, he gets on better with my brother and sister). My dad has always kinda bullied me in a way, cos he knows that no matter how much he verbally attacks me, I will always come back to him. My dad uses as all as trophies, and in front of his familes, makes out like he's the doting dad but he's not.

My brother has just come back from uni, and my mum has temporarily given him my old bedroom. My sister has just been offered a job locally down south so her and my brother in law are moving in with my mum and step dad and they will permanently have my old room. I know I don't live there anymore, but going back there was always my back up plan
So now, all 3 of us are back together, which is nice but I can't help feeling left out. In the 8 months I have lived in this flat, my mum has visited me twice, my dad 3 times. Both of them have visited my sister more and she lives over 300 miles away, I'm just down the road. I feel like I'm the least important, the black sheep. My dad will have a go at me if I ask to borrow a pound, but gives my siblings money without any fuss. My mum is different here tho, she has helped me out so many times.

I'm secretly dreading my sister moving down. I'm so looking forward to being an aunt, but what with her pregnancy and my brother back home for the summer, I may as well not exist. Not one member of my family contacts me. If I didn't call them, I'd never hear from them. I normally call my mum everyday but haven't for two days and she hasn't bothered to call me.

I know the best thing to do would be to talk to them, but they'll tell me I'm being silly.

I don't know if any advice can be given, I think I'm just offloading.
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Re: Feeling less important

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Jun 10, 2009 8:51 am

I actually know lots of "3 children" (three sets don't count as the youngest two are twins, and another set are triplets).

Using 3 of the 3 children familes I know...The first is my dad, he's the youngest of 3 brothers. He was always the favourite; yet my middle uncle was the only one to go to grammar school and get all the opportunities. My oldest uncle emigrated to Canada when he was young, my middle uncle married and moved out so my dad the baby was the one left at home when his parents split up, he was the one who dropped out of school to get a job to help look after his mam. Even when my grandma was alive we were the only one to go and visit her; my middle uncle would about twice a year (altough he lived far closer) and my oldest uncle obviously couldn't visit.

My next set of 3 is a familiy of 3 girls...again in theirs the middle one is by far the favourite; I've known them my whole life and she's always been the favourite. The oldest sister lives next door to her parents (in my old house hehe) with her husband and 2 kids, the middle favourite daughter has just gotten married within the last few years and the youngest daughter (they only seem to have noticed she existed the last few years) has a lot of learning difficulties and they basically just left her to get on with it whilsy they focused on their favourite daughter.

The final set of 3 is my bf, he's the middle child. He has an older brother, and a younger sister. Until last year I always figured that my bf was by far the favourite. His oldest brother gets wrong for swearing, my bf can swear loads in front of his mam and she never "notices" yet his brother gets shouted at. His little sister lives close to his parents, my bf and his brother live about an hour drive away. If their mam phones the 2 boys (they live together) she always phones my bf unless she knows I am there - she rarely phones when I am there, so once in a blue moon she phones the oldest. His sister has a 7 month old little boy - she can't set a foot wrong, she's soooooooooo perfect.

My experience with 3 children is; the oldest is their first born, the youngest is the baby...if the middle child does something wrong it's kind of overlooked because the oldest child should be setting the example so the oldest child gets the attention.

Why don't you invite your parents up to see you? Maybe your parents don't feel the need to visit you so often because you call a lot where as your siblings don't? If they have regular contact then they might not 'need' to physically see you. You could mention it to your parents, just mention that how you feel a "little" bit left out, and would they like to visit more?
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Re: Feeling less important

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Jun 11, 2009 12:14 pm

I think sometimes because someone is on the doorstep it is taken for granted that they are close by and visiting just doesn't happen as much. As you say you talk to your mum alot so she probably doesn't feel the need to visit as much too
As for your sister moving back I am sure with a baby on the way they will want to make a move to their own place soon enough.
As you always call your mum maybe she thinks your busy and thats why you haven't called. As you alwasy initiate the calls and that is the pattern she expects perhaps it's a simple as that why she hasn't called you.
You have left home and i know you see it as your home but your grown up now and it isn't your room it is a spare room in your mums house. I think becasue you are feeling particular sensitive at the moment this is bothering you more than it might if you were feeling upbeat.
I think if you want people to come round more ask them, perhaps thats what your sister and brother do?
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Re: Feeling less important

Postby Abooster1989 » Fri Jul 29, 2011 11:48 am

Hi,

Im in a simarlar situation with my dad, if I didnt call him I probably wouldnt hear from him! And unfortunately we're not talking at the moment.

It sucks I know and it sounds like your dad takes you for granted a bit especially as you say he can be offensive at times and knows you will just shrug it off, take it and carry on as normal. So he probably might not take you seriously when you try to express concern about your relationship with him, might be the same for you and your mom as well. Are your siblings like this or do they tend to bite back if arguments arise?

Sometimes even your parents and siblings need their answers and if you feel like ur dad or your mom is giving you the brush off just stand up and be heard, say your piece, express how you feel and that your dissapointed and upset and maybe then take a step back and see what happens. It might take a few days or a few weeks but at some point someone will need to take your feelings into consideration.

Maybe because you make all the phone calls all the time, people half expect you to make the first move so they dont bother so much? Its just habit al lot of the time.

Hope this helps, Abooster1989
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