Being a first time Dad

[DeadManInc]

Hi there

Not sure if this is the right place to ask this question but here goes. I want to know truthfully from all the parents out there what its truely like to be a parent as I havent had any children of my own. I wanted children from a young age but then when i hit 27 I decided that i didnt like kids, even my own nephews I wasnt a big fan of but is that because they arent my own kids or do i generally dont like children? Im currently seeing someone whos much older than me and shes desperate to have children and i want to make her so happy by giving her what she wants, but im worried about what I will be like around them, i really dont know. I dont want to lose her, and im the sort of self sacrificing person that would hold back on his own happiness to make the woman in his life truely happy? is this the right thing to do? shes coming of age where its do or die time!! I dunno what to do!!

[Jo]

Hi DeadMinInc

I can almost hear the panic in your voice!

Just so you know where I'm coming from; I'm 40 with two grown up children and two young grandchildren. I became a parent at a young age. I always thought I'd end up having children at some point so I've never had to made a decision about it either way - it just happened.

Ok - I have conflicting voices in my head about your situation.

Voice 1 says that having a child is a big responsibility - certainly not something that you should be pressured into. A child should be wanted by both parents. You don't want to end up in a situation where you feel resentment towards your partner, or regret making the decision to have a child.

Voice 2 says that once you've had a child it's not the kind of thing you regret doing. Your own children are VERY different from other people's children. It's impossible to put into words what it feels like - it changes your view of the world forever, giving your life a richness and a sense of purpose that's hard to describe. You don't want to end up in a situation where your partner resents you because she feels that she's missed out on this.

I think the most important thing to base your decision on is not how you will be around the children - you will be fine around your own children - you will be absolutely besotted by them; think instead about the way your lives will change - I don't just mean by having a baby, I mean all the different phases you go through while bringing up children - watching them develop from babies, to toddlers, to children, to teenagers, to young adults and onwards.

Imagine yourself 30 years from now - do you want to have grown up children and grandchildren? How does it make you feel when you think about not having grown up children and grandchildren? Think about the big picture - they're not children for very long and it goes very fast.

It would be really useful to hear from people who ended up having children when they started out not wanting children.

[DeadManInc]

I dont want her to resent me at all, i want to give her what she wants but i guess im just scared of how its going to change my life really. I want to be a stable situation finianically and emotionally before i could handle the possibility of having kids. Thanks for the advice, it would be nice to hear from people who didnt want children in the first place and then later became parents!

[snail]

I'm not in that situation I'm afraid - I am a childless woman the same age as your partner - but I just wanted to say, from my own experience, almost everyone wants children eventually. The only exceptions are those people who are really certain they don't want them from the start; those who are ambivalent always seem to come round as they get older. Men come round to the idea later than women, presumably because they don't feel the pressure of time and therefore they don't consider the issue as much. I know one long-term couple who are breaking up at the moment because the man has decided he can't live without having his own children - he is 48, and always thought he had more time, and now has realised he doesn't.

The thing is, while you mustn't have children if you don't want them, I think it's very likely you will want them eventually. If you're sure this is the person you want to have them with, then it would probably be a good idea to go for it, as in 5-10 years' time the chance will be gone.