Don't want to be around family

[Strawberry shortcake]

To cut a long story short for over 10 years my sister has been into to drugs ( heroin, crack cocaine) also a raging alcoholic. She became pregnant, set up home with her partner and came off the drugs, alcohol when her daughter was born. So everything was great. But a few years later she split from her partner and admitted to my parents that they were both on heroin again and pleaded to go into rehab. It has cost my parents thousands of pounds and they are in their 70's and were left looking after a toddler for nearly 2 months. As u can imagine they were exhausted. I was widowed at 37 so it's just me and my son but I work and have my own place and am independent. For years my parents have given money to my sister, brought her cars etc and been in complete denial of her addictions. My sister is now out of rehab, clean and sober, has full custody of her child and I'm proud of her for once! But the problem she's been out of rehab for a couple of months and my mum thinks it's now acceptable to give her a glass of wine now and again. I was so upset and angry - my sister and the rehab program say she has an addictive illness and must have complete abstinence of alcohol. I want to see my mum on her own sometimes but there is always something that crops up, eg my sister is ill so mums babysitting, or health visitor coming round. I feel my mum keeps cancelling plans when we arrange to meet up. My sisters daughter is very clingy to my mum. I just feel that me and my son are losing my family because of my sister. I have confronted my mum about giving my sister alcohol but my mum snapped at me and said if I want to go round for Xmas dinner my sister WILL be having a couple of glasses of wine because it's Xmas and basically I have to lump it. She sees my sister in rose coloured glasses and she can do no wrong. I am so worried drinking alcohol so soon after years of drug/alcohol abuse is just playing with fire, dangling a carrot in front of a donkey. Do I spend Xmas on my own just me and my son or go round my parents and feel totally frustrated?? I just feel the situation is hopeless - my parents need to be cruel to be kind. I miss my mum she was my best friend now I hardly see her and it really hurts.


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[David020549]

There is only one solution to this, you must back down because it will be you that is odd one out, you will be isolated, maybe for years.
Christmas is the time when most family breakdowns happen, everyone gets together, too much booze, someone says the wrong thing and off we go. In my family sisters have not spoken for 10 yrs because of one unguarded comment about her husband.
You may regard your sister as an idle layabout junkie but mum sees her as her baby that has been led astray, who has been ill and is returning to normal life. Regarding the wine, mum has made the decision you can say I told you so when it all goes wrong
So contact mum today and say sorry, you have said your piece, now go with the flow and enjoy Christmas.

[Bel Bel]

Have you spoken to your sister?
She should be telling your mum she doesn't want any alcohol forced on her
In fact does she even know this is your mums plans
Putting her back in that bad situation is terrible
Can you get a leaflet about drinking with her problems and get it posted to your mum anonymously
Has you mum been to any AA meetings herself so she understands your sister and her needs

[Strawberry shortcake]

Thank you for your comments guys. My mum is 70 and hasn't attended any AA meetings. They haven't really got a clue - they thought smoking heroin was just like smoking a joint. Her age, lack of knowledge doesn't help. I have spoken to her today and told her how I feel. I feel isolated and the bad one for not wanting to watch my sister drink. My mum is desperate for us to go round there Xmas day and wants it to be a happy family. Apparently my sister says she went into rehab to get off heroin and that she can now handle the odd glass of wine. I personally think it's too soon as she was an alcoholic as well but I need to get on with my own life and let them deal with her. The reason I'm so anxious is because my sister has ruined so many Xmas/family dos etc being drunk and its difficult to let go of the past. I hope she proves me wrong. Anyway I will go round there Xmas day snd apparently my sister said she won't drink Xmas day if it's going to upset me. I feel like the big bad wolf - just want her to do it for herself and her daughter- not me! I may drive back home after dinner if not enjoying it but I don't want to lose my family so will bite the bullet!


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[Bel Bel]

Hi Strawberry
How did Xmas day go?

[Strawberry shortcake]

Hi Bel Bel

It was good thank you. My sister had no alcohol whatsoever neither did I and my parents had a glass of wine and as far as I'm aware she hasn't had a drink since! So xmas day was a nice day! She's moving out soon to her own place so hoping things stay all ok!


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[snail]

That's good to hear

[Mrconfused74]

Hi just picked up on this so sorry if it's no longer helpful. I know what it's like having to live with this, growing up my dad would always come home drunk and cause a row over nothing, and that continued for many years. My ex wife was the same, her mum was a binge drinker and got very angry quite quickly, to the extent I'd actually be concerned for her and others safety. And when my ex drunk she got to the same, very load and also on a number of occasions flirty with guys right in front of me, again I worried if she got drunk without me what would she do.
It's a very difficult subject to deal with especially if you don't drink much, or at all. You get accused of spoiling things even though you can see what happens when they do drink too much, and they think they are acting normal. So yes you do have to tread carefully and sometimes it does seem easier not to say anything. I'm glad to hear Xmas was a good day, it's funny how people feel the need to drink to have a good time, yet you can have just as much fun with little or no alcohol at all.
All you can do is be there for your sister, and trust that she's learnt from her addictions, although if she was an alcoholic it's unlikely she will be able to be ok just having one glass, it has to be none at all. Good luck hope it works out .

[Strawberry shortcake]

Thanks for,as far as I'm aware she's not drinking. I do like a drink but not to the extend where it ruins it for everyone else! But so far everything is good!! Phew! And I actually have a good relationship with my sister and family at the mo!


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[Mrconfused74]

That's good to hear, sometimes it just takes a bit of time, I did try but as I stopped for health reasons and she didn't I just knew it was going to end badly, but happy for you x

[Strawberry shortcake]

Thank you mr confused. It's early days but at the moment I'm not going to worry about the future and concentrate on the present and hope it works out ok!!


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[Mrconfused74]

Well that's the best way to be, live for the now! If only I took my own advice

[Strawberry shortcake]

Yes definitely but usually the ones with the best advice have experienced the most problems!


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[Mrconfused74]

Yea I guess, experienced quite a bit in my time, and still none the wiser lol