Brother emigrated and cut contact

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Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby Mmms » Mon Jul 08, 2013 3:33 pm

Hi there, this has been bothering me for months and I have spent time crying over it. And I dont know what to do.

I've got a brother who emigrated to Australia last year. He has very limited contact since he left in March 2012. And its the most hurtful thing ever.

I was studying away at college last year when he left. I knew he was leaving but I didnt know when. Ge always kept things to himself so how was I meant to know. But I asked my family to tell me so I could tell me so I could come home and see him off. But that never happened. Anyway he didn't even ring me the day before he left to say goodbye.

Anyway it was Easter a week or two after he left so I got his number to wish him a happy easter and to say sorry that I missed him going off. I got a reply but that was it.

Anyway he kept in touch with another brother so he knew what was happening. When I passed my exams he didnt even congratulate me. I didnt exactly tell him, I wasnt going to brag. My birthday was ignored, not even a late birthday message. I heard nothing from him with my graduation, nothing wishing me luck. To say it hurts is an understatement. To fcek off and not give a damn.

Its not just me. He was making excuses not to give my mother his address. My mother likes writing. Excuses were given saying he's changing address. That didn't stop him from giving his address to my grandmother and to our neighbours, and his friend's parents.

There was very little phone calls since he left. He rang home last christmas but that was it. Because of the time difference I was still asleep so didnt get to talk.
But that was the only phone call home. I heard he was ringing everyone else.

Anyway, I get the feeling that he's trying to cut us out. Despite his lack of effort. I wished him a happy birthday this year, he was happy with that but is it not a two way thing? I also wished him a happy easter. But im making all the effort. Back in march, I sent him another message saying its a pity we dont keep in touch, told him my phone is always on...it was ignored.

Anyway about two months ago my mother sent him a letter, I sent on some pictures...He didnt even acknowledge it. Anyway for the last time I sent him a message asking how he was over the weekend. I asked him did he get the pictures... It was ignored

I have tried, but he doesnt want to. Its obvious.

What do I do? Do I ask him whats up? Do I say anything to him? Do I ask him what did I do wrong??

What do I do? Do I ask him whats wrong? Do I ask him what I did wrong?

You only have one family. If he thinks everythink he's doing is fine and he can do what he wants. I realise that we've all grown up. But what do we do with future effents, weddings, christenings, family effents. What happens if I get married, do I invite him for show, thats if he bothers to show up.
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Re: Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Jul 09, 2013 10:05 am

Maybe the cost of phoning home is a problem and he is too proud to admit that

How about suggesting you skype each other as it's free?
I would tell him you are really missing him and feel you have drifted apart since he left and you really want to keep up contact. Try one more time. By giving him a free way to contact you you will find out if he really wants to cut you off or can't be bothered.

At this point you could send him a heartfelt letter telling him what you have told us that you feel he abandoned you. Maybe he didn't feel that close to you as you didn't have much contact when he was her? Be prepared to admit any wrong doings of this nature on your part if you want to heal the rift.

It sould be he has an issue with some members of the family and you are not getting contacted as you are close to those people. Perhaps he is worried you will pass on information.

Could you talk to one of the people he does contact and ask them if they know why he is being so distant?
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Re: Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby retrochav » Wed Jul 10, 2013 11:02 pm

Bel Bel makes absolute sense, and I would strongly urge you not to give up.

Whatever his reasons are, don't give up on him. If he sends a letter outlining what is wrong, then you can work on that. If he doesn't, be sure that you have the correct postal address and keep the letters flowing. If you know where he is working you could try calling there.

There could be all manner of reasons for him to up and leave, we just don't know at the moment. What I can tell you as a teenage runaway 20 years ago, is that a letter meant so much to me, even when too proud to write back.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby Mmms » Tue Aug 13, 2013 2:22 pm

Well, it turns out he was cutting contact. The writing was on the wall for months.

He lives in a cave and to hell with the people left. Maybe he thinks he's better than us for emigrating?

Im not working at the moment, have been unemployed for the past year. I have some savings left, I never travelled in my 20s, so im doing it now and going in a few weeks for a year.

He wasn't ringing home, made no effort. I dont know about anyone else but would you like to know where in the world your brother/sister is. Or would you like to find out after they've been gone for months. Maybe I should have choosed the latter option and let him find out in his own time, perhaps next year?

I sent him a text letting him know. I also asked what was up with the no contact. I let him knew it was hurtful behaviour considering he was ringing everyone else. Well he took offense that I knew he was ringing everyone else and who was I to preach? .... But completely ignored the other half of the message that I didnt hear from him in 2012. There was alot that happened to me last year and he didnt care. He didnt see that part of the message.

He used the issue about me "preaching about who he's ringing". He called me every name under the sun. He was vicious about it and told me not to contact him again. I think he only used it as an excuse to bang the nails into the coffin.
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Re: Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Aug 14, 2013 10:56 am

It's not the outcome you want but at least you know where you stand now.

Maybe in time he will change his mind and grow up.

Perhaps try again once you come back from your travels.

Either way go away and enjoy yourself.
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Re: Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby Mmms » Mon Dec 16, 2013 12:03 pm

Travelling for the year didnt work out. I went on a working holiday visa to Australia. I was there for 8 weeks. I got work but that was only for 2 weeks.

I was too old (at 31). I got too lonely. I was in a hostel (big drinking culture) and I hate drink. The people I was meeting were all moving on. I knew no one.

My brother was 5 miles away and knew I was there. And he never contacted me once.

He turned that argument around on me. He was so blind to see his own behaviour. He was ringing everyone else and it was my fault I brought it up.

But the 8 weeks I was there, he never even bothered. Not even for a cup of tea. 17,500 km away from home.

I sent him a message my last weekend there saying that I would never forgive him and that he turned that argument around on me. He was ringing everyone else and it was my fault I brought it up.

In response, I got 76 missed calls and messages with abuse.

How was this my fault? How did I deserve being called every name under the sun?

His own family and im nothing.
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Re: Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Dec 17, 2013 2:29 pm

It's not your fault it's just easier for him to blame you. You already tried to reach out and he rejected you.
At least you know you have tried. For now I think you need to leave the situation to cool down. Maybe on 6 months or so you could write him a letter and tell him you want to try again and wipe the slate clean.
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Re: Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby Mmms » Wed Dec 18, 2013 7:01 pm

Thanks for the reply Bel Bel. To be honest I don't want to try anymore. I was trying to make the effort with him but he wasn't. The writing was on the wall for so long. I brought it up and it was my fault and I get called every name under the sun. Its his problem, not mine.

17500km away from home and not even a cup of tea. He was welcoming everyone else's sisters over. Pictures of them on his friend's sister's facebook. Someone he wouldn't have spoken to here.

To top it all off, when he went and did his working holiday visa, he got 'loans' of everyone to pay to go over. You need 5000 dollars to go over. I was useful then. He has even said that there is money there for my youngest brother for when he decides to go over. He'll get the help. But to hell with his own sister.

If he ever decides to come home. Am I meant to cross the road to see him?


I can get over this. Its his problem, not mine. It was him that cut us out and I tried. I'm not anymore. I'm human but its okay to treat me like nothing?

But I just cannot handle my own mother and her sexist behaviour. She has always lived for her boys and gotten myself and my sister down.

All our lives and we were put down, never good enough. Basically she actively discouraged myself and my sister in life, but helped her boys in so many ways. I can be here all day with examples but I won't. Its something I want to get counselling over some day.

What does my mother got to do with this?

She demands that I acknowledge all of my three brothers for birthdays, Christmas, their life events etc. For example birthdays. She demands that myself and my sister must write and send cards for my brothers birthdays. But by the time its my sisters birthdays and mine, she's not demanding it off my brothers. While they acknowledge our birthdays anyway they want, normally a text message from two of them anyway. This I don't mind, its their way.

But putting so much pressure on myself and my sister, we're grown adults at 31. Her boys are grown adults and no pressure on them. This brother who doesn't give a fcuk. And she knows. And im meant to degrade myself by wishing him a happy birthday (written in a card for a 3 year old-almost). He called me every name under the sun, never to contact him again. And im meant to degrade myself by acknowledging him and what he does. But turn it around and to hell with me and what I do. Is that how life goes?

There is a lot more to my mother's sexist behaviour and there was even abuse, mental and physical. Only towards the girls and hidden from her boys. And my brother is leaving myself and my sister to mind her in her old age?
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Re: Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby captainf » Thu Dec 26, 2013 1:18 am

Your family sounds a little similar to mine in a way. I bet that your brother is jealous of you for something that happened when you were kids, or he remembers something your mother did to him when he was younger and had the impression she favoured you as kids and so he resents you now. I can remember my aunt claiming that when she was a kid her mum got her a second hand bike while my mum and uncle got new bikes (at totally different times by the way) She brings it up now and then she's in her 50's. obviously I wasn't around then either but I'm 29 now and still hear about it.
My point being that your bro probably holds some ridiculous grudge that is, in realistic terms, unfounded but he has convinced himself that it's real and you deserve to suffer as a result.

I think you should forget about him. Pay a bit of lip service; send him a birthday card etc like your mum wants, but you don't need to go in to any extra effort. It's easy to buy a card, write in it and send. You're not degrading yourself, you're pretty much paying lip service and keeping the peace. You don't need to think about him for the rest of the time.

Sorry your mum treated you badly. It sounds like you might want to consider counselling to help you work through things.
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Re: Brother emigrated and cut contact

Postby Kediler15 » Sat Dec 28, 2013 8:18 pm

Mmms, I think you should just let him be .... he's obviously a "big boy" now and has made his own decision for reasons best known to himself, and you and your sister can only speculate as what's really in his mind. You've done your bit to try & contact him but he didn't play into your hands. Honestly .... 76 missed calls? Best to leave it alone & get on with your own life, because stewing over it now is only taking time out of your life and means he is still able to "control" you, even from so far away and by doing nothing.

Leave him alone. If he ever comes to his senses, he knows how & where to find you. I wish you a happy life! :)
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