Brother 40 won't move on from mum's

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Brother 40 won't move on from mum's

Postby Simonteacher » Mon Dec 17, 2012 8:49 pm

Hi,

I’m looking for help about a situation which has arisen.

My 40 year old brother gave up his job 2 years ago (possibly due to stress) and moved back in with my mum in a small town. We all thought this would be temporary but he’s been there ever since. He’s not looking for work, he doesn’t sign on, he basically lives off my mum and blocks reality out by going on line all day.

He says he hates living in the town, cut off from anything and wants to move back to where he used to live- 50 miles away. I’ve offered to take him down there to look for jobs etc but he keeps putting this off.

So I don’t really know what to do- he’s bedded down and is blocking out all thoughts of moving on with his life, my mum (75) won’t confront him even though he is really having a negative impact on her life and draining her financially, there seems to be no end to this.

I feel that if I unplugged the internet he might suddenly wake up again but know that this would cause possibly unhelpful tensions. Should my mum show some tough love and give him an ultimatum to move out? I’d appreciate any views.
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Re: Brother 40 won't move on from mum's

Postby Ticktock » Tue Dec 18, 2012 11:24 am

You do seem to be getting very worked up over something that ultimately is none of your business, this is between your brother and your mum, and you stomping around trying to persuade him to go and asking your mother to show 'tough love' is only going to lead to your mother and your brother getting increasingly defensive, and you getting even less say in what happens between them.

Your mother is 75, probably without your brother would be living by herself, unless she is very lucky isn't as mobile as she use to be. She probably enjoys the company, and being a mother doesn't stop when they walk out the door as mine discovered several times as bruised adults limped home to retreat from various personal disasters. She would no more chuck him out on your say so than cut off a leg, she wants him to be happy and something must be badly wrong if he has retreated like this.

She also may be using him for caring responsibilities that she is not telling you, that generation is notorious for covering up how they are really doing unless some well meaning son/daughter wants to pack them off to a home. My mum certainly had that suggestion shoved at her a few times even when she made it clear she wanted to stay at home and be cared for by her son.

Your brother probably needs help of some kind, the internet use is just a distraction from the real cause of his problem and cutting him off from it won't make him better.

Then again so is your obsessing over it, what are your real worries? Do you think your mum is giving your brother priority, are you worried what will happen to your mum's house and estate is anything happens to her?

As our parents get older and we take on responsibility for them sibling rivalries often resurface, who do they love the most, why does so and so get a phone call every day and I only get one at Christmas... keep that in mind.

You need an honest talk with your mum, about your concerns and what SHE wants to do about it, not you! Maybe offer her some financial support if she is really struggling. You need to ask your brother what is really wrong and what HE wants to do about it, without the 'when are you going' agenda.

Maybe if you start by listening and helping rather than trying to push everyone into doing what you want, things actually might change...
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Re: Brother 40 won't move on from mum's

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Dec 18, 2012 12:43 pm

I am going to assume your mum doesn't want him there.

It sounds like your brother is depressed. Have you suggested he gets some counselling.

Who is paying for the internet, if it's your mum tell her to stop paying and he won't be able to use it. This will force him into doing something else.
What financial help is she giving him? Why does she continue to do it, is he bullying her?
Does he think by living in the house he has the right to it when she dies? Has he even thought about what he would have to do if that occurred?
Is he prepared to be your mum's carer if her health deteriorates. If he hasn't thought about that perhaps you should tell him you're glad he lives there as he will be able to be a 24 hour carer should anything happen - that might give him his own incentive to leave.
Utimately though whatever you do will not work unless your mum wants to stand up for herself.
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