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Brother problems

Posted: Tue May 01, 2012 4:23 pm
by Ticktock
As some of you may have noticed I haven't been posting much recently. The reason is that at the beginning of February my mother, who I have been caring for the last 6 six years, died suddenly. That is an entirely different topic but what happened afterwards is what I am having problems with.

Mum died at home in her sleep so I had to sort out everything (I lived with her along with my daughter), the day afterward my younger brother rang me up and started pestering when her house would go on the market, I was less than polite to him we both got really upset and then apologised and I thought that was an end to it.

Subsequently he was a bit off with me and when I rang round the relatives to inform them of the funeral arrangements they all implied he had phoned them and made allegations about what I was doing in relation to the will.

Now to be clear my mothers will was drafted long before I started caring for her and split things equally between us and she made no secret of it, and we were joint executors, the only advantage I have is that I have a law degree and so could do all the work for free...

Then he tried to employ a solicitor, again implying things to her which I had to rebut when I visited her to find out what was going on.

Then he stopped replying to all emails, despite our best attempts to involve him in the organisation of the funeral, and finally tried to cancel the funeral twice behind our backs without any justification. I was the first person the funeral director had to phone to confirm all arrangements directly...

He didn't come to the funeral or even send flowers and it was clear he had pressured the relatives (my mums brothers and sisters) not to come...

He has subsequently refused to release the will, and we have had to employ a solicitor unnecessarily after I had done the majority of the paperwork so I could avoid future allegations of impropriety.

So the question is what to do, initially I thought this was a mental breakdown, but it has come to light this actually goes back years to when he tried to put my mother in a home behind my back (and believe me that wasn't happening I couldn't even persuade her to use respite care (NOW I know the reason why she was so adamant as she had been told!)), and is pretty much pure spite.

How do you deal with a sibling who has sunk so low?

Re: Brother problems

Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 11:21 am
by snail
What do you think is behind all this? Is it really just greed? You must know your brother quite well - did he care for your mum? Any chance this is just the way he deals with painful subjects?

You can't really do anything active about this, other than decide not to have any more contact with him if you don't wish to.

Re: Brother problems

Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 3:24 pm
by Ticktock
It might be greed, my brother has a complicated relationship with money and it has been an ongoing source of aggro that my youngest brother earns more than him. As far as we know he doesn't need the money.

He contacted mum on the phone quite a bit but that was generally as far as it went, and he certainly never helped her financially with her care, he made no secret he didn't think I did a good job looking after her.

He did disappear when our dad died, and behaved in a weird way before both our weddings (that was when he tried to put mum in a home). He also has a long history of picking fights with employers, neighbours and friends, some of which I have had to unpick.

None of it makes sense...

Re: Brother problems

Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 11:35 am
by Bel Bel
Based on his past behaviour it sounds like he has some kind of emotional problem but that is for him to deal with as he is ready to accept there is a problem, however knowing all the problems of the past I don't think that will happen

It sounds to me like it is about the money. So often the case when a parent dies, very sad but true. He also obviosuly has a jealousy issue with his other sibling too.

If he feels you weren't looking after your mother well enough why didn't he step in? So he has no room to moan now he doesn't like what you did.

You know your mother didn't want to go in a home so she got the end she wanted to die peacefully in her own home.

I would keep away from him as much as possible so he doesn't taint your greiving period any further.

You know you have done no wrong so you do not need to justify yourself to him or anyone else unless you want to. I think it would fall on deaf ears with him however.

I'm so sorry that he is making this time worse for you.