Sister is putting me through hell

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Sister is putting me through hell

Postby fallenstarxx » Tue Nov 01, 2011 4:16 pm

Right so here goes...very long and complex to explain....

my mum and dad had a dreadful divorce battle when i was 4, my brother is 9 years older than me and my sister is 11 years older...the divorce/custody battle was really long winded and didn't probably fully end until i was around 15/16...in this time at points my sister acted like a mother to me and treated me better than my mother and father ( who now not me my bro or sister talk to as they are just insane and selfish selfish people)

so now im 21 and my sister is 32, we've always been the closest out the family or so i thought?

up until i was 16 karen did do a lot for me, paying for school trips, helping me if i wanted to see my dad, helped me move my stuff to my dads, spoilt me at xmas, doing so much more than my mum and dad did as they were only thinking of themselves and i am so greatful of that....soo when i got to the age of 15/16 when my dad decided to pretty much abandon me after losing the marital home, my sister was pregnant and had a beautiful little girl, she moved on she didn't do as much for me anymore which i completly understood, it was now her time to move on and be happy and have her own little family, and i was such a proud aunty and sister....but as time as went on my sis has created so many issues from around about that time, she also has a beautiful little boy now too... i never expected karen to drop everything for me and especially as now she's got her own little babies to worry about, but she seems to think i am so ungreatful for everything, that i'm selfish and put my neice and nephew last, all i do is put them last on my list and that i expect her and her husband to still be my parent roles in life...when this is soo not the case.

this all blew up again about 3/4 weeks ago and the stuff she was saying was so warped...i do everything on my own and have done alot for years, i've also worked, i've got my own flat and pay my way with everything i don't rely on her for nothing cos as shes got older shes became so much bitter and as if she totally resents me for everything. she hates the fact i get so much money for going to uni, thinks all i do is sleep and think of myself, it's so insulting as this is so not true and i would do anything for her, but i'm at uni and have a job (up until 2 wks ago i had 2 jobs) and work alot, she expects me to drop all this all the time to almost proof to her that i am thankful for what she done wen i was growing up. she's making it so difficult, and i'm losing out on seeing my little neice and nephew who by the looks of things are gonna be growing up not knowing me...which kills me...so much so i've started going back to the counselleur in my uni who helped me last year with a really bad break-up,

i just feel so bullied by her like nothing is ever good enough, and the only person that is taking away what she done for me growing up is her cos the more she's being nasty and totally slating me the more i'm becoming angrier and not as upset, she got in touch yday as she got me a photoshoot done for my 21st and i recieved the pictures yday so on my fb i put 'thanks to the person who bought me my 21st photoshoot' cos i am greatful and unlike what she thinks im so appreciative. so she got in touch and said we need to have one last attempt da da da, u dont see where i'm coming from i did so much for u and u give so little back (which i totally dont agree with) i have really close friends who've been there through out everything with my family breakdown for the past 17 years and they can't believe how spiteful and nasty she's being, i wanted to talk to her but she refused to answer my call and said she had nothing to say to me, and that its no wonder she stopped caring as much as she was embarassed of how selfish i had become. i don't know where this is all coming from but every 6months to a year she blows up at me and throws everything in my face, i don't feel close to her at all anymore i'm so stuck as i'm losing out knowing the kids but shes using them against me too, and saying i'm an awful aunty hurts when its said so losely. in no way am i perfect and i cant be selfish but not when it comes to her and the kids i would drop everything for them but she doesn't think so.

the last text she sent last night after me suggesting that she maybe talk to someone too, as i was finding it helpful as our family situation is awful, and she's had really bad problems with her marriage the last 18 months, she said 'well the sad reality is the the kids havent asked about you once in all this time...they don't relate to you being a part of their life at all - that says it all sadly' what do you say to that? i used to go to my sister 3/4 times a week to see her and the kids cos i loved it but slowly its become less and less cos shes pushed me away so much that i was going up once a week and staying over...i'm at the end of my terror with it all as sadly i know i can't deal with having some so deluded and such a nasty person to me, as it's went on for years now. i'm devastated and my babies will never know their aunty now :(. she's went to far this time and i'm sick of it :(... just had to get that all out there cos i was so upset she said that last night. x
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Re: Sister is putting me through hell

Postby Bel Bel » Tue Nov 01, 2011 5:20 pm

would it be worth you going for some mediation
I am not sure she will agree but it will shopw you are the one who is still willing to give it a shot.
No nastyness, no back biting, no bla mingjust a simple message "I really want to sort this out would you be willing to get some joint conselling/mediation?"
If she replies back with anything but a simple yes then don't fall into the trap of responding. If she says no blah blah. So "ok well if you change your mind let me know as I really do want to sort this out".
i THINK YOU SHOULD CONTINUE TO SEND CARDS AND BIRTHDAY/XMAS/EASTER PRESENTS TO THE KIDS SO AS THEY GROW OLDER THEY KNOW YOU HAVE STILL BEEN TRYING - oops on caps :oops:
It sounds like she takes out her other life frustrations on you, like her marriage issues.
I hope she can be mature enough to get some help with you so you can both gt back on an even keel for the kids sakes.
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Re: Sister is putting me through hell

Postby mattmxl » Fri Nov 04, 2011 12:13 pm

I have a brother that was like that, always took the opportunity to attack and belittle which tremendous frequency and ruthlessness. In the end I cut him free from my life, which I suppose is this problem in reverse. Quite what you've done to make you sister think in this fashion is unclear (if indeed up have done anything at all, which I suspect you haven't) but she quite clearly perceives that you have. I suspect she views the time she spent looking after you when the parents were fighting as some sort of favour to you as it wasn't her job to do in the first place. Now when she wants a favour back from you (to drop everything for her as she had for you) you are unable to do this for her. Unfortunately life is dynamic and people's circumstances change, you are quite rightly busy with University and the jobs you work! This is something your sister needs to realise, but she doesn't I don't think there is a lot you can do about it.

As hard as it might be and as easy as it is to say, I think you need to put her to one side for real and make good your own life, devote your efforts to yourself and be as happy as you can be. Her children will lose out as will you, but this is a decision she has taken based on her own views (however warped you perceive them to be)! None of this is your fault it's important to remember that, she is the one throwing bile that you do not deserve to receive! I can only talk from the experience I have with my brother, but since I cut him out I've never been happier, I don't need people like him. Strikes me that the way your sister is being with you right now, you don't need her either. Do yourself a favour, concentrate on yourself!
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Re: Sister is putting me through hell

Postby Ticktock » Fri Nov 04, 2011 3:15 pm

I agree with the others, this is all to do with your sister.

The reasons why are probably a little more complex, your sister was expected to act as the responsible adult in the family for a very long time, and I expect she cared for your brother as much as you. Like most child carers she has then duplicated that life with her new family and is caring for her new children, however, in all that time she has had no time for herself. You starting Uni with the freedom to just do what you like has brought that home to her, so she doesn't resent you but she is jealous of what she sees as the carefree life you lead.

This may be a problem that resolves itself as the children grow older, young children can be all consuming, but you can't be expected to give up everything you have worked for because she wants some payback, not how it works however wonderful a parent you are.

I would back off a bit from her, as others have said this may be marital issues as well, and just send cards and presents. Could your brother intervene for you?
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Re: Sister is putting me through hell

Postby fallenstarxx » Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:29 pm

hi guys again, thanks very much for your replies

i think that's what i need to do...back off...but last year we didn't talk for 4 months and i hated it, now it's happening again, and the sad thing is ? i genuinly belive my sis won't care i'm not in her life anymore? that hurts...our family situation is absolutly nuts as it is, it doesn't have to be like this... but for so long i've just excused her behaviour and been like oh she's just hard work, when i shouldn't have, i've been a complete walk over...

i think her issue is with me is that she feels that i don't even give her back the bare minumum of what she did for me? and it hurts cos i know this isn't true, the reason it blow up the other week again is cos i offered to take the kids when i came back from a holiday to amsterdam ( not meaning the day after i got back ) but she just assumed i would take them then? and i'm like it's going to be a 3 day bender i won't be up for babysitting on the saturday at all and i don't want to be hungover when the kids come to stay...i in no way suggested it would be the sat night i got back....anyway as usual she throws a big strope like a little spoilt brat and starts all this rubbish... its actually ridiculous

i hate confrontation, i hate arguing and quite frankly i think my life has been pretty s*it as it is, so why does my sister want to forever have issues with me? and everyone? i'll never know it's draining....and i excuse her behaviour cos i love her and shes my sister, but she keeps record of (and makes up) these stupid scenerios when i p*ss her off....and its mentally draining knowing that someone thinks this way of you...and wondering when the next big arguement will be to slate me again :(

it's got to the point that i don't even feel at lose with her, i will miss the kids, my bro in law and the dog :( they're my family ....

i will continue to get the kids there pressies at important times cos i would never see them without...and the situation with my bro in this, he went away to uni when he was 18 and wasn't really there for the later years of everything happening, he has issues with my sis too and she has issues with him...

everyone just wants to make it complicated...and it's annoying...honestly if i was told i was adopted 2moro i would be jumping for joy...

i went and spoke to my counselleur again at uni on friday...he's great and i'm feeling i'm dealing with all this better cos i am talking to someone, obviously we are all going to be affected with what happened whilst growing up, i don't want to end up insane like 98% of the family i have has :(...x
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Re: Sister is putting me through hell

Postby mattmxl » Mon Nov 07, 2011 3:24 pm

Then you have to cut her free, have nothing further to do with her whatsoever. It's regrettable considering you wanted a relationship with her, but its her that's making that impossible. There are only a certain amount of times you can bang your head against a brick wall before it begins to hurt. Don't let it get to that stage!
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