Brother

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Brother

Postby Tarantula » Wed Apr 28, 2010 7:48 pm

Hi

for those of you who don't know, I (and the brother on which this post is based) come from a severely dysfunctional upbringing - alcoholicism, child abuse (sexual in my case, physical in my brother's case), abandonment, the works.

I've got three brothers. Two of them are out of my picture. I live with the youngest - who is 25 (I'm 19, the youngest in the family) in a flat. We're both generally cut out from the rest of the family, mainly out of our choice. Now that we're out, we don't want much to do with the older family members who put us in this position in the first place.

Me and my brother are very close. We are the only other person in the family who eachother can rely upon. I look up to him very much. Well, I used to.

See, lately he's been changing. He's been going through this highly introspective 'phase' where he has finally realised how very much we have both been screwed over by our parents. He's an escapist (we both are), and grew up surviving by simply blocking unpleasant things out. Defense mechanism, and all that. Well, lately, now that he's safe and has nothing to run away from anymore, he's been plummeting into self indulgence over how unjust his treatment was, and how it has negatively affected EVERY department of his life. He has difficulty sticking to jobs, a lame social group and very little on the relationship front, in general.

In fact his women troubles are the main thing. He has begun to truly resent, even hate, women - because all he has ever got from them is abandonment and rejection (just like he got from our Mum, the parallels are obvious). We have talks. We talk for hours on an almost daily basis - about the past, about how each of our present day-to-day situations relates to the past, how we can recover from the past... I have always held his opinions on things in very high esteem, to the point where I tell him everything about my life, and generally need his validation on any decisions I make.

'Cos when you've been sexually abused, you learn at once to not trust yourself at all. After all, I was wrong before...

The thing is, I think mine and my brother's specific, different, issues, are counterproductive to eachother. I am trying to build up an identity and reclaim my sense of womanhood; he craves acknowledgement from women, because he's never had it. He started off desperate. Now he's just getting angry. And who's in the firing line?

Me, of course. I try my best to make things better for him, but there's not a whole lot I can do, these problems are so stemmed in previous things that I cannot possibly change. He's trying, too. He's getting very much into his self help books/dvds, but they tend to be focused on how to pull women. It's only recently that he had the revelation of perhaps working on himself first, and just taking it on good faith that the relationship zone will fall into place if he does. But he can't shut off the need, and he is very resentful of women now. He hates their many contradictions. For example, he recently went on a date with a girl, text her after asking if she had a nice time, she said she did, and then nothing. Nothing ever again, she vanished. My brother has had this over, and over again. No explanations, no acknowledgement, just poof! Just like how our Mum used to leave us every weekend to go back to London to work. No explanations.

He's becoming obsessed with the idea that 'all women want ***tards'. We have massively long conversations about the validity of this, and the reasons for it. Together, we can analyse people all night. Our logic turns night into day and day into night. But it doesn't change reality one bit. What it is is what it is.

Last Friday we went out - me, my friends, my brother, his friends. Well, his friends there were my friends to begin with, but we're all in the same age group (well, I'm the youngest, but most of my friends are mid-twenties). I met this insanely gorgeous Maltese man who acted like a bit of a jock to me - we did the whole bantery thing. For every cocky thing he said, I unleashed the can of whopass. It was fun. I know that he's just a player, but for where I'm at with my own relationship endeavors right now (or lack thereof), that's cool with me. We're going out for a drink tomorrow, it'll be the first time I've seen him since being out, and drunk.

My brother detests this. I asked him, do you detest that I'm seeing this guy? Yes, if I'm honest. He didn't expand, but I know what it is. My brother hates that this standard, muscley, smooth talking jock has got a girl when he can't, and the obvious making-it-worse is that the girl is his sister.

Suddenly I'm The Enemy. I'm one of THEM. Because to my brother, we women all form a conspiracy. That must be what it is. We go out and meet under the full moon and decide how best to reject already-insecure men such that we still get our ego fed. My brother thought that I was different, the exception to the rule. My previous dating history certainly suggests so: I've typically been with inferior, but 'nice' guys. Nice, cowardly, unhygienic, virginal, unmanly guys. My brother has always implored that I can do better. I have never gone for the type of tight tee-shirt wearing guy who I'm seeing tomorrow (i.e, the type 'normal' women go for all the time without feeling the need to question why they do), and admittedly I am very apprehensive about it because it's out of my comfort zone. But I'm gonna do it anyway, because I want to. I am 19, this is an exciting journey of discovery for me. And most importantly (and whilst I type this I feel guilty for what I'm about to say, because that's how guilty I've been made to feel for existing in general, let alone having sexual impulses), he's FIT. There I said it!

So my brother probably feels, on some level, betrayed, by me. His own sister... Going off with some jock or other. On the friday night, he got very angry. He stormed out and text me 'are you going to get shagged by that ****??'

I'm a sex abuse victim. I do not require that bad juju. And I certainly don't deserve it. I can do what I want, I can date who I want, I have every possible right to go out and have fun. Not that I've ever had 'too much'; I've never had a one night stand in my life. But, y'know, I got every right to try it if I should so wish!

My brother just can't deal with what he sees as the hypocrisy of it all. But he's gonna have to, 'cos it's either that, or I humbly resign from taking my place as a Young-And-Sexually-Liberated-Female-Who-As-Such-Plays-By-Her-Own-Rules-And-No-One-Else's so that I may placate what is very quickly becoming his full on misogyny.

Because I so rely on his validation for almost any decision I make - and especially in the male department - I'm finding it highly painful and difficult to just go 'ah, who cares what he thinks'. I care. I care deeply. But at the same time I'm just not willing to hold back on what I want to do in this particular branch of my life that, frankly, isn't his business. Sure, I've been 'making' it his business by telling him everything, but I feel like I won't be making that mistake again. We're close, but I fear that closeness is becoming toxic.

I would say that a lot of this is fuelled just by him being my big brother, but I don't think it is. I think it's less about me and more about him, and how frustrated he is at the female race. This doesn't come from a sense of protectiveness over me, this comes from a sense of self pity for himself.

I'm pretty distressed about it.
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Re: Brother

Postby Skarlet » Wed Apr 28, 2010 9:08 pm

Hi Broken_chord,

I am not really sure what the answer is, or what you should do. Wanted to say congratulations on going on a date with someone you feel is 'fit'.

Had an odd thought, is your brother jealous of the fact that this guy could be more to you, than your previous bfs and replace him as your support in your life?

Skarlet
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Re: Brother

Postby Tarantula » Wed Apr 28, 2010 9:37 pm

Hi Skarlet, I can see where you're coming from, but can safely say it's not that at all. My previous bfs meant a lot to me at the time (not as much as my brother of course), and it wasn't an issue.
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Re: Brother

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Apr 29, 2010 12:02 pm

I think forget self help books your brother would benefit from some conselling, can you encourage him down that route.
Even if he has been beofre this is a new and fast gorwing issue that could potentially ruin not just his life but everyone else he is in contact with, including you.
It's not fair that his emotional problems are thrown onto you just because you're going on one date with what he sees as his competition (in the sense they are always the type who get the girl)
Tell him clearly he is making more of it than it is but the surest way to make you want more of the fitty is to say you shouldn't do it. It's like he is the parent saying no you can't, so heck you will just to prove a point

I can't really suggest anything else
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