brother in law will not leave

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brother in law will not leave

Postby dwho » Wed Dec 16, 2009 12:23 pm


Basically my story starts like this.. my wife and I moved into our first flat with our 6 months old baby 18 years ago and then 3 months after that my wife's brother moved in as he had no where to go.. I was fine with this as I hate to see anyone who is down on their luck have nothing and no where to go... after 6 months we had to ask him to leave as we could barely support ourselves let alone him as he never paid us any money.. this went on for 10 years every 6 months he would move back in and stay for 6 months never paying anything to help with the bills and always treating the place like his own..

We then moved back in with my father who needed to be taken care off and her brother stopped staying as it was not our home but my fathers... my father died sadly a couple of years ago and we were left with the house and a great deal of bills.. I have 3 children 16, 14 and 5..

my brother in-law met a girl and has 3 boys with her but they have a very strained relationship and are always arguing and he leaves and says he cannot stay with her any more... normally it was for a couple of days and then he would return home...

this time last year she kicked him out and he stayed with us.. he had again no money and we fed him and made sure he was ok .. though at 35 I thought this is beyond a joke... just before Christmas he returned home but a month later her was back with us.. this has happen 8 times this year and he treats the place like his own... he is with us now and my wife said that he has to be gone before December as we would like to spend Christmas with just our family and he should make other arrangements.. he receives his dole check every 2 weeks but has yet to pay any money for anything.. he stays up to 4am watching tv and sleeps in my front room on the sofa till 11 am then he sits and watches tv till he goes out if he needs to..

He doesn't speak to anyone and is generally miserable which my children notice and it gets everyone down... I cant afford to keep paying extra for him as we are struggling as it is.. my wife thinks that ignoring him he will get the message but he knows she will not ask him to leave.. I am not allowed to get involved and if I comment on something (which I do a lot ) she defends him and says I am putting pressure on her...

I know it is Christmas but he has 3 boys he maybe sees once a month because he cant be bothered to walk up the road to their house or he has no money left to do anything with them.. I have resorted into sitting in my bedroom as I cant face it any more.. my wife understands how I feel but it is like I have inherited another child that just uses his sister so he does not have to do anything...

Sorry its a long post just needed to get that off my chest I even threatened to leave but I have no where to go and I think my wife would let me go just so she doesn't upset her brother..but I dont want to do that just want our lives back..

am I wrong.. our home is so miserable we just don't feel like celebrating Christmas as he has made it so depressing..

Help :(
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Re: brother in law will not leave

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Dec 16, 2009 1:43 pm

Look I don't want to be rude by why on earth do you keep letting him back? :o
Give him a deadline and then if he won't leave tell him you will call the police and do it if you have to
Then never ever let him back again - ever, no matter what the sob story
He is abusing your soft nature and is showing no gratitude either
He is also spoiling your family unit and putting undue pressure on you all
No wonder the woman kicked him out, she could see what a useless bloke he was

Get rid and get some harmony back in your household - good luck
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Re: brother in law will not leave

Postby RagDoll » Wed Dec 16, 2009 2:23 pm

I agree with Bel Bel - I think you've been more than reasonable and although your wife asks you not to get involved, it's your home too and you've done more than enough for this sponge. He clearly keeps using you and your home as a fall-back position, perhaps if he knew he didn't have such an option, he'd sort his life out. It is not your responsibility to see he's alright, ok, I can totally see why you took him in the first time, but for him to keep coming back, leaving again, coming back etc... it's ridiculous. Not contributing anything (financially, or in any other sense) just adds insult to injury really. I think you should discuss the issue with your wife and basically tell her you're not willing to put up with it anymore.
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Re: brother in law will not leave

Postby snail » Wed Dec 16, 2009 3:59 pm

I agree - I can understand your wife feels torn, it's a very difficult position for her, but she might actually be grateful on some level if you relieved her by taking charge and putting an end to this situation. Regardless of her protestations, insist that he has to go and not come back, give him a fair amount of warning, and then use force to get him out if necessary. The police are often are not interested in domestic problems like this, so you might have to wait until he goes out, then put his stuff outside and bolt the doors.

You have every right to look after yourself and your children and have your home to yourself, and you shouldn't have to put up with this. If your wife wants to look after him so much, tell her she can move out and he can live with her. He is emotionally and financially harming your family, so stand firm.

On a softer note, while you must get him out of your home, your wife could consider going with him to his GP, and discussing whether he may be suffering from mental health problems such as depression. She could also talk to the council about emergency housing. Just because she won;t have him living with her, doesn't mean she can't help or care for him. But you and her children ought to come first.
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Re: brother in law will not leave

Postby jen » Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:11 pm

I think snail is spot on.

It's fair enough to want to help your family and offer them support but when they start taking it for granted and start abusing the help you are giving, it needs to be nipped in the bud.

As snail says, it's natural to want to help someone close to you but because him living with you has begun to affect you and your family both finacially and emotionally, i think you need to sit him down and tell him firmly that under no circumstances are you willing (or able) to continue to support him. You could go with him to the council. Help him to explain that he is seperated from his wife and that you can no longer support him. They will likely put him in temp accomodation like a b&b for a few weeks until a temp flat becomes available. Then all he needs to do is wait on a house coming up from the council (which should take no more than 9 months to a year because of insecure tennure) He will also be entitled to a two or three bedroomed house because of the kids. Honestly there is no excuse for him to be living with you. He wouldn't even need to pay rent on anywhere that he gets allocated (even the b&b would be more or less free) because he doesn't work, however it would mean him needing to learn to support himself and learn to actually do stuff for himself. Personally i think that this woud be a good thing as he will need to lead by example where his kids are concerned.

As someone else said, i'm sure your wife is just looking to keep the peace but will likely be ok if you actually take charge and calmly but firmly tell him that he can no longer continue to sponge of you and your family.

Good luck and hope this helped.
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