My sister is lying to my parents

[bellajennie]

Hi all,

Firstly I will hold my hands up to the immoral way I found all this out because I do agree that it was underhand of me. So I will prepare to be critised. However, in my defence, I did only go behind her back because I was concerned.

A while ago, my sister's laptop broke and she asked me to check her uni emails for her over the phone one night. We go to the same uni and she often calls on me for help (she's just done one year, this is my fourth). Consequently I had her password.

She failed 2 of 5 of her first semester exams (one she did not go to at all). She promised my parents it had been a shock to the system and would do better the next semester. She does not have a job, and my parents pay for her horse and rent so she should be able to live comfortably, buying only food and drink etc from her student loan. Plus she won a scholarship from the uni worth another 2k a year. Yes, she still manages to be overdrawn, with my parents having to bail her out for food money and bank charges. I support myself (but that is not what my problem is - because I promised I would do that, and I don't expect anything).

My issue is that she promised my mum that she would work harder this semester and when asked she told everyone she was going to lectures and doing work etc. I got suspicious that she wasn't doing this when she said one of her final exams had changed day one day before it was due to be sat. This is very unlikely for such a big uni. I shouldn't have done it but I checked her uni emails to see if that was true. When i went on there I saw she had 488 unread emails and the last one she checked was on march 6. My uni use email for everything and you have to check it several times a day.

Amongst those were several emails saying she was being awarded marks of zero for failure to submit coursework, another saying she needed to explain why she'd not attended an exam, and a final saying she was being investigated for poor attendance. She hadn't even read them!

I now feel that I'm in a dillema because she told my mum that the exams went well and that she has been working hard. She also says she's so skint because she needs to go out all the time because she is so stressed with work.
What should I do? Shall I tell my parents what I know?
Or perhaps wait for the exam results to turn up? She may still tell them she's passed anyway. But there is a real danger that she will simply not even be allowed to come back in september.

Thanks in advance,

Jen

[dipsydoodlenoodle]

I'd wait until the results come through and see what she says. Maybe make a bit of a fuss saying how proud you are of her (i.e try and guilt trip her).

Maybe wait until the results come through and ask to see the "paper" marks (we always used to get our marks sent home on a piece of paper once we'd recieved them at uni); if she lies about it you could always say something then? If you do get paper marks sent out you could "accidentally" open hers and say "oops I thought it was mine" - especially as you said you both go to the same uni.

On a total side note...

My uni use email for everything and you have to check it several times a day.

My uni did too, they'd send an email at around 9.10am and say your 9am lecture has been cancelled. They used e-mails for everything which like you meant you had to check it a lot; I think they didn't realise that people actually worked - I couldn't check them every day and I used to miss out on a load of the social events and stuff because I worked. There were about 30 people on my course at uni and there were 3 of us who worked! When I did my masters I had two jobs for a while, so on Friday I used to start work at 9am, finish at 1pm, get something to eat whilst on my way to uni for a lecture 2-5pm. I used to start job 2 at 5pm; although I explained about my lecture finishing late; so I'd grab something quick to eat whilst on my way to work again, I'd start at 5 or 5.30pm dependiing what time my lecture started; I'd finish at 11pm then have to walk home (about half an hour) - the buses my way finish around 11pm. I mean when did I have time to check my e-mails GRR!

[Skarlet]

Could you not have a quiet chat with her, that you saw the emails in her inbox, and you are worried about her? Ask her if she wants any help getting it sorted with the university? It sounds like a really difficult situation for you to be in, but are there things going on with her that you don't know about? She must have known that you would see the emails? Maybe she wanted you to know, but didn't know how to tell you?

[bellajennie]

In response to both those suggestions...
Dipsy - she doesn't work and has plenty of time to check her emails. She has a new laptop and a new iphone - there should be easy accessa anywhere.

Alicat - I have tried everything I can physically do to help her already - I knew she was struggling in semester one and helped her do revision plans, coursework plans, even the revision too. She said she was struggling then because she had missed lectures, and the issue is that we kind of all backed off because she assured us she was attending. So I guess this is why I wasn't as nosy about her recently.

[Skarlet]

I don't think you should tell your parents, rather I think you should confront her, and tell her she needs to tell your parents.. its not something she can hide, especially if the uni kick her out. And i guess that is what you need to get her to face. Sounds like she is burying her head in the sand.

[Bel Bel]

I would confront her and give her a week to own up or tell your parents yourself
or
I would print off a few of the e mails and leave them lying around

You already tried to help her and she has lied and is taking your parents for mugs and that isn't fair

[dipsydoodlenoodle]

I would print off a few of the e mails and leave them lying around

sneaky...but I like it

[Bel Bel]

If she gets mad with you then you could always say you meant to confront your sister but accidently left them at home so you didn't deliberatley mean to let your parents see them

[kerrie24]

If she gets mad with you then you could always say you meant to confront your sister but accidently left them at home so you didn't deliberatley mean to let your parents see them

Ithink thats a really good idea Bel Bel.I agree its not fair to allow your parents to be decieved like this.The fact that you read her emails shouldnt be an issue here,she has no excuse.

[bellajennie]

Yeah I think that would be a good idea about trying the emails. I was thinking of doing something like that. I thought perhaps I could email something to her account and then a couple of days later ring my mum to talk to her. Then I could drop in "Oh btw, I emailed N to ask her about .... but she didn't reply. Is there something wrong with our internet at home?" Or something like that? I know that will make her suspicious and she might ask her what's going on, or make her check her emails in front of her probably.

[dipsydoodlenoodle]

It's worth a shot I suppose.

[earthchild]

while ago, my sister's laptop broke and she asked me to check her uni emails for her over the phone one night. We go to the same uni and she often calls on me for help (she's just done one year, this is my fourth). Consequently I had her password.

Hey Bellajennie,
since you had your sisters password and she asked you to check her emails i wouldn't actually consider what you did underhand.
Why dont you just take your sister to one side and openly say you saw some very toubling emails regarding her attendance / absence from exams and ask her to talk to you about it. Tell her you there to offer your support but you cant do this if shes not willing to acknowledge any problems she may be having.
Encourage her to come clean to your parents because its not fair that they are paying for what seems to be a wasted opportunity.
She may feel as if she is in too deep to sort things out and is dealing with it by ignoring it.

[dipsydoodlenoodle]

She may feel as if she is in too deep to sort things out and is dealing with it by ignoring it.

I have been thinking this as well.

You could always state that you saw someone from her course with a friend and they were talking and they mentioned her name, wondering if she was ill because they hadn't seen her for exams and you just happened to overhear then you checked her e-mails. It may be a bit too far fetched to pull off though.