My older brother is lazy

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My older brother is lazy

Postby Hiyaa » Tue Mar 31, 2009 11:32 pm

Hey guys, sorry for posting yet another problem of mine - but all of your advice has been helpful so far. This time I'm concered with my brother, he's 23 (4 years older than me) and seems to be stuck in a rut. Although this problem is not huge I just wonder what you guys would do and if theres anything I can say to encourage my parents to help him =)
We'll a year ago he moved away but moved back in 6 months later because he didn't like the idea of not having much money to spend on items for himself. I've previously had my own flat and I had the same difficulty but it never bothered me much so I can't relate to him on that.

He was accepted into a university and was going to do a course he was interested in but decided to take a year out to get a break from education. Well this year turned into 3 and when questioned why he isn't going he would say he "cant be bothered applying again" which I can guess that he's not too interested in the course anymore or that he's just found himself in TOO much of a comfortable position at home..

He HAD a full time job - working in a shop and he did enjoy it, but he switched to part time claiming he "needed more time to myself".. My parents do feel strongly that he needs to find himself a career, they even say that it doesn't matter if that involves working in the store but it would need to be full time or else he wouldn't be able to save enough for the future - though, he has no savings and spends all his money on things like DVDs, CDs and Games! (not exagerating much because as soon as we get paid at the end of the month his money is gone!)
He does pay digs to my parents but they constantly moan that he never pays on time and one month didn't at all! (although he didn't get away with it) and dispite having this extra time he doesn't help around the house AT ALL! > I suggest to my mother, when she's got my nephews to look after, that she should get him to do the hoovering or something and she never asks, she'd rather do it herself!

he also has a girlfriend (21) who he's had for about 7 months.. She is nice but is also quite lazy and works part time too so, dispite my hope having a girlfriend would inspire his future, he remains very much the same. He's also insured on my parents car and is main user of the car because my dad has a work van so he rarely needs to use the car and my mother doesn't have a job, although she uses the car, its not that often because she doesnt really have money to spend to go to the shop or that - it's mainly used when she looks after my oldest brothers children. But the issue here is that he never puts petrol in the car and often my mum is left with an almost empty tank and he says "I didn't notice, why didn't you ask me to put petrol in then!" .. Then I found out today that he DOESNT even pay for his part of the insurance!!

This was just it for me, I'm so frustrated... I know I live dependantly on my parents too but I go to university all week and I buy any materials I need through my weekend job, so I basically work 7 day weeks (and personally I find work a welcome break from uni). Anything I want I buy with my money - like food my parents don't usually buy or juice and my brother will just eat/drink them without my permission - he earns more money than me! Grr!

This is not a rant, at least I'm trying not to make it seem like a rant because I really care about my brother and I want him to be happy - and he probably is happy atm but I can see my parents eventually getting fed up with him. My oldest brother and I are extremely careful with money (of course him having a family too) because our parents have always taught us how to handle money but my other brother just seems to throw it away on pointless things and doesn't honor agreements involving money

Have any of you guys been in this situation? How can I help him or encourage him to move on from this rut? How can I help my parents help him? or can he be helped unless he realises this isn't really the best option for everyone?

He's a good guy (doesn't drink much or do drugs) and I don't like seeing him wasting his life..

Sorry it's long guys, thanks x
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Re: My older brother is lazy

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Apr 01, 2009 1:13 pm

Whilst i appreciate how annoying it is your parents have to put their foot down
Cancel him off the insurance and don't let him use the car
Whilst he has home comforts he has no need to change
They need to tell him to pay more money so he is forced to get a full time job or go without
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Re: My older brother is lazy

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Wed Apr 01, 2009 2:39 pm

Bel Bel wrote:Whilst i appreciate how annoying it is your parents have to put their foot down
Cancel him off the insurance and don't let him use the car
Whilst he has home comforts he has no need to change
They need to tell him to pay more money so he is forced to get a full time job or go without


I totally agree (especially to the bit I highlighted).
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Re: My older brother is lazy

Postby Hiyaa » Wed Apr 01, 2009 4:46 pm

Bel Bel wrote:Whilst i appreciate how annoying it is your parents have to put their foot down
Cancel him off the insurance and don't let him use the car
Whilst he has home comforts he has no need to change
They need to tell him to pay more money so he is forced to get a full time job or go without


Thanks for the advice =)
However, there are a few times I have suggested to my parents what to do to make him more responsible and they agree with me completely but never seem to take my advice!
for example, I said if he doesn't put petrol in the car often enough then he shouldn't be granted usage unless he does so (or at least give money for petrol) and they agreed completely but they just give in to him. He uses it mostly to drive his girlfriend home which is just a 10 minute walk away, broad daylight and a sunny day! (I'm all for saving the evironment - infact I'm studying environmental science)

I'm begining to loose alot of respect for him because when he doesnt get his way at times he'll act childish.

why wont they take my advice and how come he can get away with this? Are they too scared? To be honest in times like these I think he should be appriciating money more and that he's not in terrible situations like other families.

Do I be more serious with my parents about the matter? Or is it really not my place to tell them what to do?

Is this another case where I have to sit back until the person/people admit there are serious issues? I already have to do this with my friend and mother.. It's hard enough.
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Re: My older brother is lazy

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Thu Apr 02, 2009 8:33 am

You know one of my friends is the same as him and I think it's because when she was younger she just felt she was the one they didn't care about - it was sooooo untrue; she's a total emo now anyway. But she takes her parents for granted, she barely works, she gets jobs and unfortunately the member of staff that they always can't afford to keep is her - she never gets on with anyone.

You said you had an older sibling, your brother and then you...maybe it's what I call "middle child sydrome" where the oldest gets attention because he's the oldest and everything he does will be a first so they'll make more a fuss, the youngest because they are the youngest and still the "baby", the middle child seems to think that they aren't liked - I'm just wondering if he's like that because of the middle child syndrome. In my opinion of 3 children the middle one is always the most spoilt one.
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Re: My older brother is lazy

Postby Bel Bel » Thu Apr 02, 2009 11:00 am

i think one more try with your parents then i would suggest leaving it

tell them they need to show tough love as they are not allowing him to experience the realities of life and therefore are going to make his life much more dificult when they are not around as he won't know how to cope
it is their job to help him be a responsible person and they are not doing that
what they are shoing him if he ask he gets whatever he wants so he keeps asking
if ever he has children what values and morals will he be teaching his children
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Re: My older brother is lazy

Postby Hiyaa » Thu Apr 02, 2009 5:31 pm

Thanks for your advice again Bel Bel and dipsy =). But it seems there is nothing much else I can do. I've discussed it with my parents but they are seriously not interested in telling him that he needs to get his life sorted at least. I made the points you made but my mother just changes the subject and my dad is too soft to tell anybody what to do.
He used to be bothered about being the middle child and make point that I got away with murder and my oldest brother was the child that was "wanted" (me and my brother were never planned - my oldest one was. My parents never made any of us think that just because we weren't planned and the eldest was that we were any less loved than him) But this was when he was about 13-16ish, my parents never did favourites either we had everything shared equally - But my brother did act up alot as a child (he has a short temper and often goes mad at me for telling him to turn down his music)

I don't know why I'm getting upset over this - it's not like my homelife is bad really. I'm just fed up of it all; my mother and her constant drinking, my friend and her abusive relationship and my brother who is never going to take responsibility for anything. And what bothers me also is that I should be helping THEM not feeling sorry for myself

I plan to move out again next year (to share a flat with a friend) because I can't be bothered with the situation in my house but my dad gets upset at the idea. But I can't stay here and get distracted from what I want to do. Is it really a good idea for me to technically run away from it all?
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Re: My older brother is lazy

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:15 am

Ok firstly you should be looking after you and no one else. Your brother should be looking after you and not the other way around.

Hiyaa wrote:Is it really a good idea for me to technically run away from it all?


It is if it will make YOU feel better!

I do think it is partially due to him being a middle child to some extent, I know it sounds silly. My dad is the youngest of 3 and the middle uncle has always thought of himself as much better than the other two; he does still act like a spoilt brat and he's 64! MY boyfriend is the middle of 3 as well; he doesn't seem bothered by the fact; but I must admit he's a bit like your brother and lazy. He will actually only do things when I point out that they are bothering me.
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Re: My older brother is lazy

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Apr 03, 2009 10:41 am

Well you have tried so worrying about it and as dipsy says worry about yourself
Moving out will get you away so it won't bother you as much
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