My wedding day and my brother

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My wedding day and my brother

Postby Herby » Mon Mar 16, 2009 1:04 am

I’ve just finally got engaged after 9 years and although this should be the happiest time of my life as I am marrying my true soul mate, the engagement has this huge family rift at the centre of the whole thing and is running what should be the happiest time of our lives.

Basically my eldest brother has always had some sort of problem with people the world and has always, even from a very early age, seemed to think the whole world was against him. He picks up on silly things and makes them into a massive problem which allows him to sulk and not talk to the family for months. For example, my parents organised and paid for my brother’s son’s first birthday. At the party, my Mum told a guest that my nephew looked just like my brother when he was that age and produced a baby picture of my brother. He went mad, stormed out of the party and didn’t speak to any member of the family for 6 months due to the ‘humiliation.’

He wife is just as bad and makes up stories regarding things our family have supposedly done to her. They are crazy stories which would no way be true but for some reason my brother believes them. E.g. she old my brother a couple of years ago that we reported her to the police for child abuse and that she was arrested for it. Never mind my brother only left her for an hour while he did the weekly shop!!!

When they got married, the told me they were having no bridesmaids and hence why they hadn’t asked me to be one. However when their wedding day came they had 10 bridesmaid – all people they hardly knew (one was her hairdresser and one was her son’s pre-school teacher!) They also only allowed us to come to the ceremony and sent us home to baby-sit their kids instead of staying for their reception which really hurt.

The problem is, individually they are fine, it just seems to be a problem when they are together as though each of them wants the other to think they don’t like our family.

Over the years things have got worse and we’re now done to seeing each other on birthdays and the week before Christmas to exchange gifts.

Now my partner and I are due to marry, we don’t know what to do about them. We are going away for the wedding and only taking a very limited party which includes my other brother and his family and my parents and a few close friends. It will ruin our day if my eldest brother and his family (especially the kids) are not there on our wedding day, but at the same time we know that if they come, they would probably ruin the day by causing a stupid argument and I know that if they came, our other guests will be very reserved and afraid to say anything in case they upset them – something we don’t want.

The thing is, if we don’t invite them, I know my brother would be secretly devastated as I know deep down he worships me and before he met his wife we were very close.

I really do not know what to do and it’s completely ruining our special day. My other niece and nephew are too scared to tell anyone at school about being bridesmaid and pageboy at an aboard wedding as they are scared my other nephew and niece will find out as they will be very upset as they used to be very close to me and my partner, and even lived with us for 2 years when they were younger when their mother had anorexia and was too ill to look after them.

I just don’t know what to do. If we invite them to our wedding they might refused to come (which they did to my younger brother when he got married even though it was only up the road) and that would probably end any relationship that our family has with them. However if they agreed to come, they would probably only be coming as they will be getting a free luxury holiday and they will probably caused an argument on our big day which would be a completely waste. I therefore think, let’s not invite them, but the thought of them not coming, or even getting the chance to come, is devastating me.

This problem is making me really ill and I feel like calling of the wedding. My other half has even admitted that this is why it’s taken him 9 years to ask me to marry him as he know this would be an issue.

If anyone has any ideas on how to work through/round this problem I would be eternally grateful. If not, thanks anyway for taking the time to read through this very long problem!

Thanks guys.
Herby
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Re: My wedding day and my brother

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Mar 16, 2009 11:00 am

You said he'd probably only be coming for a free luxury holiday. Could you not ask him to pay for it himself in hopes he might not come or it will be too expensive for everyone (i.e. his wife and kids) to come? If you are paying for other people could you tell them the situation and ask them not to tell your brother?
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Re: My wedding day and my brother

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Mar 16, 2009 5:34 pm

why not just have aprty to celecbrate here for all the other guests who can't go abroad
You get your great wedding and then you can have a party here which they can go to
If they ask why you didn't invite them say you assumed as they wouldn't go to your brothers they wouldn't go to yours, you could also say the budget was limited and you could only invite a certain number. If you other brother has no kids then that makes it easier to say you couldn't afford them and the kids and it just wouldn't be fair
It's your day and it sounds like they will ruin it so leave them out of it
You may get some flak but remind your brother that you weren't able to come to his reception as you were a babysitter. Don't let him make you feel guilty and enjoy YOUR day. If he decides to ignore you for a while it sounds like that would actually help reduce the stress for a bit. You can always come back and say your sorry and you wished you had invited him afater all but hey ho it's a bit late once it's happened, i kn ow it won't be true but it will be a way to make up again after it's all over
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