Sister has always been difficult

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Sister has always been difficult

Postby fiftyone » Fri Feb 13, 2009 2:07 pm

My older sister has caused me a lot of trouble in life as far back as I can remember. I have ALWAYS been forgiving and very loyal to her as we had a difficult childhood after losing our mother at quite a young age. When I was younger I looked up to her and she was a sort of role model to me. My husband and I helped her out financially when she divorced and I put up her children (and children's friends) for upto 3 months when they wanted to visit England as she has lived abroad most of her life. I have only seen her at holiday times over the past 30 years or so. When our father died I persuaded him to leave her a bit more than the rest of us who weren't as badly off as she was. But over the past years she has become vindictive and plain nasty to the extent that she told me I was overweight, criticised the way I brought up my daughter, accused me of flirting with her new boyfriend, and being very derogatory about a feature of my house which was built in error - these are only a few of the nasty things that happened. The last time we met I stood up to her for the first time and exposed what she had said to the rest of the family and she has not spoken to me since apart from a Christmas card each year. I have had nothing to do with her for 3 and a half years and I realise I feel better. I no longer get the palpitations which I now realise I got whenever she came. For some reason I used to feel intimidated and a bit scared of her and I felt bad about myself when she came over. However all of a sudden she has written saying she wants me and the family to go over to her sons wedding in the summer. I really dont want to go but my neice thinks I'm being silly. She doesn't realise the hurt and anxiety I hve felt for so many years and a wedding won't fix all those things.
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Re: Sister has always been difficult

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri Feb 13, 2009 4:27 pm

You could always go for the wedding and leave again - say you have work committments or something?

Maybe her son wants you to go and this is her way or apologising?
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Re: Sister has always been difficult

Postby fiftyone » Fri Feb 13, 2009 9:13 pm

Thanks. When I hadn't heard from her for 6 months I rang her son to see if all was ok and he refused to acknowledge me and kept saying 'Who are you' over the phone. He then put me onto his girlfriend who said I had the wrong number. They used to come over as children and stay with us and I was devastated when this happened. I figured she had told him what had happened and not to speak to me. Friends here say they only want us there for presents and padding out the family from back home - to show they've got one. My gut feeling is not to go Dipsy and maybe to send something instead but I'm not sure what to actually say to them. Its an awful feeling I have but I'm trying not to give into the feeling I always had which was that blood was thicker than water come what may. But I feel that this only helped her to get away with murder and left me a bag of nerves.
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Re: Sister has always been difficult

Postby snail » Fri Feb 13, 2009 9:44 pm

What did she say in the letter where she asked you to come?
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Re: Sister has always been difficult

Postby fiftyone » Fri Feb 13, 2009 9:49 pm

It was written in a Xmas Card - a long message about the beautiful location etc etc and it was the first I'd heard of it. (they live in a mediterranean country). She said her son particularly wanted me to come which is odd after the way he treated me on the phone. Proper invitations are going out next month.
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Re: Sister has always been difficult

Postby snail » Sat Feb 14, 2009 2:22 pm

So it wasn't just the invitation card, then. It sounds like, for whatever reason, she really does want to heal the breach. Do you?

If you don't then don't go. I think you should do what your heart tells you to do, NOT your conscience. I mean, go if you want to, but don't go just because you feel you should out of duty.
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Re: Sister has always been difficult

Postby Liquidius » Sat Feb 14, 2009 4:28 pm

Well, here's my two pence.

I am completely against holding grudges against anyone who has tried to make amends. This is mainly because my Mum holds grudges against everyone for anything, and I really hate it.

However, it's a pretty horrible situation, and I understand that. Are you feeling ready to go out and make amends yet? If you are then go! If you're not ready yet, don't. Send something nice over, and explain why you have decided not to come.

A wedding won't fix anything that happened in the past, your right - but you shouldn't let your past affect your future (much easier said than done!!). :) You can't change what happened. You can either accept it and move on, or dwell on it.
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Re: Sister has always been difficult

Postby fiftyone » Sun Feb 15, 2009 5:45 pm

snail wrote:So it wasn't just the invitation card, then. It sounds like, for whatever reason, she really does want to heal the breach. Do you?

If you don't then don't go. I think you should do what your heart tells you to do, NOT your conscience. I mean, go if you want to, but don't go just because you feel you should out of duty.


Thankyou for your advice and suggestions. I honestly dont know if she wants to heal the breach. I dont think I am holding a grudge so much as feeling vulnerable, hurt and angry caused by the events of the past. They are different things. I dont know how else to explain it. If I have to put on a good face, travel all that way and pretend all is normal then that can't be the right thing to do surely. As you said it would be out of duty and I'm done with all that - done it too much in the past.
Liquidius wrote:Well, here's my two pence.

However, it's a pretty horrible situation, and I understand that. Are you feeling ready to go out and make amends yet? If you are then go! If you're not ready yet, don't. Send something nice over, and explain why you have decided not to come.

A wedding won't fix anything that happened in the past, your right - but you shouldn't let your past affect your future (much easier said than done!!). :) You can't change what happened. You can either accept it and move on, or dwell on it.


I think I'll send a present instead and give a reason why we cant be there. There is always the future and maybe we can sort it out on a mutual basis at some time. I know I'm sounding like an obstinate so and so but I'm really not that type of person normally.


Thanks to you all for spending time listening.
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Re: Sister has always been difficult

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Feb 16, 2009 10:17 am

Before you make your final decision why don't you call your sister and her son and find out for sure what is going on? You could always phone with intention of saying you can't go...
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Re: Sister has always been difficult

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Feb 16, 2009 1:29 pm

If it's going to make you feel that uncomfortable i wouldn't go but sending over a gift and a card will show you are not doing it just to be rude or holding a grudge
Weddings are always a dodgy place to try to make amends anyway, there is usually too much alcohol, emotion and far too many people there to really get any valuable time with your sister
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