sister in a unstable relationship and mum making things worst

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saramidnite
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sister in a unstable relationship and mum making things worst

Post by saramidnite » Sat Feb 23, 2019 4:33 pm

my baby sisters I would say I was close to. she turned 21 last weekend.
it was wonderful meeting up with family to celebrate.
sadly 2 days later at my grannies she and her boyfriend argued and she was so horrible to him. saying it was over.
the next day I left babysitting a 21 and 23year who then argue constantly. he then decides he ending it all. I'm panicking having to lock him the living room till he calmed down. he eventually does the I'm ok I'm leaving I understand it over.
she eaves 10min later she walks out. puts on Facebook. I'm ending it all say goodbye to nan i love her.

2hours later she was found ok but sad. they got back together. as he found her.

he was talking to women online. I was a bit shocked. then it came out she was beating him up. came at my mum with a knife and kept saying horrid things to him. she was constantly tracking him via his phone where he was. i wont defend him chatting to other women that is wrong. but her behaviour is also wrong.

i always saw her as a kind girl who i helped raise as my mum couldn't be bothered till I moved to n.ireland.
my mum belittled my sister at every opportunity she gets to me. my mum is so controlling.
she compares every you say to herself. e.g if I got a cold she has to have it. I have pain in my joints due to a health condition. she apparently has it but a worst form but she doesn't she is to put it politely lazy.

she always voices her opinion and gets angry when you try to point out it may not be her place to interfere.

my mum, dad and step dad were violent when I was younger to me.
my step dad died a few years ago

so I know part of my sisters problem is grief. she cant grieve as my mum keeps trying every day to keep him alive and that not healthy.
last weekend she couldn't get balloons to stay in the same place. she asked him. she moved them again and she believes it due to him. she found a coin on the floor due to him. e.t.c
her dad also has mental health issues. we believe she also has it. she wont see a doctor.

her boyfriends dad also died last year.

I'm at a lost. I cant move on from last week. mum says that it's normal. it's not. I cant forgive them.
I feel awful. my mum seam more interested in hugging the upset young man then helping my sister.

reckoner
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Re: sister in a unstable relationship and mum making things worst

Post by reckoner » Wed Feb 27, 2019 8:50 pm

Hi Sara,

From what you've said about your sister and your family here and in other posts, your sister's behaviour is at least understandable, if obviously not acceptable. It would have been a miracle for her to come through everything you've told us about without showing some bad effects.

I think you have been a good influence on her so far, which is why you've seen the best of her, and why you were surprised to find out about a less likeable side to her.

From what you've said about your family before, I'm interested to know who told you about her violent behaviour. For example, if it came from your Mum, I'd be suspicious of her motives for telling you. If it was from her boyfriend, then I would trust the information more.

The problem for your sister is that, even though she is still young, she is now an adult and, however badly she was treated as a child, she now has to take responsibility for her own actions. She has to understand for herself that violence is simply unacceptable whatever the situation. I think you can be a great help to her for that because you understand what has happened to her and love her.

But it's difficult when it comes to their relationship and I don't blame you for finding it hard to forgive them. It wasn't fair of your sister or her boyfriend to involve you in their problems, especially in such a dramatic way. But when things get heated, anything can happen. They have both had a lot to deal with so try to forgive them on that basis.

The problem is that they may still not like what you have to say about their relationship (even if it's obvious) and think it's none of your business (even though they made it your business). So, as worrying as the situation was, I think you can only step in to help when it's specifically asked for.

But as you noticed with your mother, you can't run to the help of your sister's boyfriend without considering your sister first. Your first loyalty must be to her.

I know that your sister's behaviour after her dad's death might seem strange, but I think people even without diagnosed health problems can say things like that: I think it's natural for people to look for the presence of someone who has died that was close to them.

I think you have to take a deep breath and remember that this situation is not your responsibility. Your sister and her boyfriend have to find their own way. You can help when they ask for it, and certainly support your sister so that she isn't violent.

But sometimes a situation seems worse to an observer than it does to the people directly in it - that's where your Mum may be right: your sister and boyfriend may be over it already. It's their relationship, so you will always be playing catch-up.

It's interesting that her boyfriend found her after her Facebook post. That's a good sign!

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