Mixed signals

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Mixed signals

Postby Ghostsnow » Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:51 pm

Ok I have a best friend of the opposite sex. We have been friends for 6mths but in that time we have become thick as thieves. We go out in our social group and alone for dinner or movies we are both single but they say they are happy to be single. However they treat me differently to our other friends we have shared personal stories about past relationships and I have met members of their family n friends. We chat everyday via Facebook and the chats are initiated by both parties. They went away recently and asked me to go which I did whilst away nothing happened but they did put a stop to someone trying to chat me up. I'm really confused. As they portray most of the online signs of being interested but then say they're happy alone.
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Re: Mixed signals

Postby reckoner » Thu Jun 15, 2017 5:52 pm

My guess is that they are enjoying the trappings of a sexual relationship (the closeness, companionship, fun etc.) without the sex and/or commitment, that's why they blocked the advances of their potential rival. It could be sexual jealousy or it could just be not wanting to be left without company, especially if they find you such good company.

I think the attraction to this close but sexless relationship is that once sex happens, things usually get complicated and/or awkward. It leads to questions like: Where is this going? Are we in a relationship? What kind of relationship is this? Can we talk about feelings? Etc. Etc. Etc. It tends to make the tone of the relationship a bit more serious, when before it was all just fun. I suspect the other person is trying to avoid all that, at least for the time being.

Because it's also possible that they are warming up to taking things further but don't want to cross the line until they are good and ready.

What is it that you want: do you want to take things further, or are you happy with the way things are?
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Re: Mixed signals

Postby Mrconfused74 » Thu Jun 15, 2017 11:07 pm

The first question you need to ask yourself, is sheer do you want it to go??? If you want to take it to the next level, then you risk losing the friendship, if as reckoner said they just want the friendship, companionship etc of a relationship but without the sexual side. Or do you continue to be friends, and enjoy it, for what it is.
It's difficult when two friends become so close that one of you starts to see things that may or may not be there. And so have to keep those feelings to yourself. Maybe what you should do is make a joke of it if it happens again, like ' oh maybe you want me for yourself? Or 'are you jealous' body language will give you a big sign. And you'll be able to tell to an extent how she feels. The only real way to know is to ask her! You could just say 'we are just friends ' and see what she says. A lot of people say you can't be close friends with the opposite sex without one of you getting feelings. But even if you do doesn't mean you have to act on them. So the only real question is! Can you live without her as a friend? Or can you live with her knowing she doesn't feel the same?
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Re: Mixed signals

Postby Ghostsnow » Fri Jun 16, 2017 12:12 am

Thanks for the responses guys.
I'm kinda confused as to what I want as initially before we met officially I was attracted to them but since getting to know her I had to forget that attraction. However despite me casually dating other people I've not met anyone I get on with as well and so that attraction is coming back.

Part of me wants to ride it out and just see where it goes naturally as I know theyre not the type of person who strings people along "playing with emotions" etc so I do think that part of them is attracted also as my mate often pokes fun saying we spend more time chatting to each other and have a deeper connection than him n his Mrs who have been a couple for 1yr.

It's difficult but I 100% believe they are worth the wait if that's what it is going to take.
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Re: Mixed signals

Postby Ghostsnow » Fri Jun 16, 2017 2:59 am

One more thing when someone tried chatting me up but failed when they left my best friend asked me if I was single would I have gone there. Simple slip of the tongue?? As I've been single for 2yrs and they know this.
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Re: Mixed signals

Postby David020549 » Fri Jun 16, 2017 7:28 am

Mixed signals indeed, it seems clear that she is enjoying the platonic friendship, having fun and friendship with a man she trusts. She does not want the friendship to progress to a relationship with you, you are attracted to her but she shows no signs of attraction to you, you are just friends having fun with no complications.
From her point of view you are protecting her from being hassled by other men which suits her fine at present but beware she may find a man she is attracted to. Close M/F friendships do not usually progress to a relationship, there is no passion, as long as you are happy with that carry on as you are, if your aim is to find a partner at some stage and have a sexual relationship she is probably not the one.
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Re: Mixed signals

Postby reckoner » Fri Jun 16, 2017 1:20 pm

I'm sending my cat in to scatter David's pigeons! What you're describing with your friend is exactly how I got together with my partner and we have a kid now. Your best friend asking you whether you'd have 'gone there' if you were single does suggest to me that they have a level of interest in your partner preferences, whatever that level may be.

The friend route towards partnership allows you to explore the relationship and chemistry, and just have fun really, before making a commitment. So though I'm not saying that that's definitely what's going on here, I wouldn't rule it out either.

If you're enjoying what you have now, bearing in mind that finding someone else will likely be difficult or make things awkward, and you're happy to treat where this might be going as a distant possibility, I think there's more fun to be had here. But if there's a danger of you being confused or hurt by not being sure of their level of interest in you, it might be better to broach the subject with them.
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Re: Mixed signals

Postby Ghostsnow » Fri Jun 16, 2017 3:23 pm

Thanks for the advice.
I think I'm going to carry on the way things are and see what develops if anything.
They are a massive part of my life right now and I'm not ready to put that at risk by revealing my crush.
We have too much stuff planned in to do together over the next 18mths...

But thanks again I needed to get a total strangers opinion
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Re: Mixed signals

Postby highlandcow » Wed Jun 21, 2017 11:38 am

Hi

I think you're doing the right thing in just letting things happen organically. I personally wouldn't risk asking outright just yet.

I would excerise caution though and make sure that if something were to happen that a relationship is what you both really want. The only reason I say this is because I (years and years ago) started a relationship with my close friend of 11 years and it fell apart after 3 months. We didn't even sleep together - it was just too weird. It was like dating my brother. OK, yeah, I probably shouldn't have dived into the relationship, I wasn't REALLY sure how I felt and it backfired massively because I was unsure. I haven't seen him since and we were pals since Primary School.

They do say that the best relationships start from friendship, but you'v e got to both be 100% sure and know that it will take a while to see eachother in that whole new light.

Hope this has helped.
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