Mixed race friendship, really want to help her :/

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Mixed race friendship, really want to help her :/

Postby UKs-o-t1234 » Thu Jan 22, 2015 5:19 pm

Hi i really need some advice. I will limit detail on a personal level as I am a bit paranoid if someone i knew actually read this. I am a white male in the early 20s with a female friend a couple years younger from an Arabic background.

We have a close relationship at times then we don't speak for ages. It used to seem she wanted me when she needed me but now i know why she's not in touch often. I am also close with her best mate and she tells me bits here and there of what's going on but i don't like to ask unless I'm told or she opens up.

The girl has a boyfriend long term who she also has limited contact with. After so long of her mate saying she had problems, for whatever reason the other night she finally elaborated a bit. The girl was admitted to hospital after a male family member hit her. When i found out i felt so sick, i asked her mate if it had happened before or if it was a one off and also if it was likely to happen again. She assured me it was an isolated incident but i really aren't so sure.

My concern emanates from her friend a few months ago saying 'it got so bad at one point i wanted to call the police'. She never went any further and i never felt i could ask. I tell this girl all the time I'm here for her on every level, there's times at uni iv put her education before my own. This isn't meant in an arrogant manner but I'm a smart lad and can pick things up immediately, the last 18 months iv kinda juggled both our degrees.

I want to make it absolutely clear i am in no way trying to disrespect any cultures, i have a mixture of friends from different backgrounds but some things i have been told about make me worry even more. My best mate is Asian and when I told him he almost laughed it off and effectively said that's extremely common in this sort of culture. He assured me this had happened to him and it really wasn't a big deal in the eyes of their culture. From my perspective that seems shocking and extremely sad, however if it is a one off as bad as I think it is, i accept these things do happen and i don't know the full facts of why it happened so maybe i aren't in a position to judge.

I just have a gut feeling though there's more to it, considering the comments from her mate a while back, the fact she seems to spend way more time with family in another city as oppose to been at home with her mum and the person who hit her. When her friend said about contacting the police i just think it must have been serious and possibly an ongoing situation because their culture are known to sort their own problems, going to the police is seen as bringing shame to the family according to my friend. Please don't think I'm judging cultures, my knowledge of them is minimal and I'm only repeating what I have been told.

I am terrified she's suffering physical abuse or possibly even worse. She isn't allowed to live her life in the way a lot of girls of the same background seem to be. She has had her phone taken from her at present and seems to be controlled by her family. I know I'm over analysing this because i care but she's an extremely pretty girl, i worry if this male doesn't think twice about physical abuse, would he really draw the line at going any further?

Other things fall into place about it not been a one off, she's a very westernised girl but never wears clothing that exposes much of her body and sometimes seems to cover up when it's not exactly appropriate. Don't get me wrong i don't expect her to dress provocatively but there's a difference in that and seemingly hiding parts of your body in warm weather. I haven't a clue what to do.

I have no limits as to how far I'd go to protect her and i told her as much but she probably rightly said any sort of shall we say 'making sure he didn't do it again' wasn't the answer. I probably should admit part of me is in love with her but I am absolutely clear it won't ever happen and i have accepted that and learnt to love her as a friend. I think my fascination wit her comes from she's the one girl at uni who can take or leave me. The others i could probably take my pick but she's such hard work! She is the sweetest, most beautiful person inside and out iv ever met and i care so deeply for her. I just feel useless because I can't do anything for her and don't even know what to do. I mean Is talking about it the answer for her? Or is she likely to feel too ashamed/embarrassed?

On the other hand is she desperate for someone to help? As I have said she has her best mate and i don't know how their relationship is but her friend can be quite selfish. She's into the degree for herself and and i know if she had uni work to do that would come before her mates problems. Any advice please? I know maybe there's nothing i can do as until she's ready to talk i can't force her but i just wanted others opinions.
UKs-o-t1234
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Re: Mixed race friendship, really want to help her :/

Postby Bel Bel » Fri Jan 23, 2015 2:19 pm

you can't do a thing unless she ask you to
she may not welcome what she sees as interference
also some people aren't ready for help and what changes come to their life as a consequence of that help
all you can do is let her know you are there for her and if she needs you the door is always open
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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Re: Mixed race friendship, really want to help her :/

Postby UKs-o-t1234 » Fri Jan 23, 2015 5:58 pm

Thank you I do get what your saying, its just saying 'I'm here for you' is a figure of speech, to blatantly spell it out 'you need to talk to someone' is quite difficult. I don't want to pester her but neither do I want leave her to it. To be honest as long as she's talking to someone, I aren't saying it must be me. I worry so much though, I mean if its long term physical abuse, her confidence must be shattered. If it is god forbid the worst sort of abuse then she has to talk to someone as soon as possible.

I did try and mention it to her as subtly and nicely as possible but she clearly and totally understandably didn't really go into it. I have done a lot for her which I would never mind at all, I just thought she might confide in me more. I am clear though she may not be in a lot of contact with me simply because she isn't able to. Her friend from what I have seen doesn't do enough on a regular basis although as I have said she may open up a lot more than I am aware of to her friend. I can't really push her friend for answers because firstly she will tell her and secondly her friend already thinks I prefer the girl in question to herself and that is a bit of an ongoing issue! The one way around it would be to plainly say what's going on, I might lose her for a bit but once I have explained I just care and want her to be alright it could work out in the long run.
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Re: Mixed race friendship, really want to help her :/

Postby Bel Bel » Mon Jan 26, 2015 12:38 pm

If she wanted you to know she would tell you
She may be totally embarrassed and not want you to know
She may see you as someone who doesn't view her as a victim and she may enjoy that relationship
Life is for living so live it to the fullest

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