Feel abandoned by "best friend"

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Feel abandoned by "best friend"

Postby ShadowWoman » Fri Nov 02, 2012 11:28 pm

Hi everyone,
I don't know where to start really, so I'll keep it as short as possible.
My best friend has recently left her fiancé (he wasn't nice, I'm pleased for her that she's left him) and jumped into another relationship. I'm not judging her for that, it's just that since she's been with him she's had absolutely NO time for me at all. We used to see each other quite a lot, I was always there for her. and I've only seen her once in the last 2 weeks. Even then, she said I'd have to go home early since she was up early in the morning, but then as I was leaving she told me her new boyfriend was coming round ](*,)
I feel totally let down, and annoyed at myself. I gave a lot of myself into our friendship, and I feel utterly betrayed. I'm angry at myself for being so close to anyone, but I've known her since we were 3! I have a daughter, and she works full time, so I know it would be difficult seeing each other but she was fine up until she started seeing her new boyfriend.
Another thing that is REALLY ticking me off is that for at least 2 years I've been waiting for her to get her passport sorted so we could go on holiday abroad. I mentioned it all the time, so it's not like she could have forgotten. Then she gets with this bloke, they've not even been together a month and they've booked a holiday abroad this month and she's sent off for her passport.
I'm so angry at her, it's like she just couldn't care less about me any more. If I'm honest, she's always been a self centred person, loads of people have said it to me, and I've defended her but secretly agreed. I can't bare even thinking about her, never mind speak to her. What should I do? I really don't think I can speak to her about it, I feel so betrayed.
Thanks for reading this,
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Re: Feel abandoned by "best friend"

Postby highlandcow » Mon Nov 05, 2012 7:28 pm

Now that it's been a couple of days since you'v posted, how do you feel now?

I can understand why you'd be annoyed, I'd be pretty annoyed too. I think to be honest, that it's the honeymoon period with her new fella that's the root cause. It's so common for friends to fall by the wayside a bit when a new bloke is on the scene. It's not nice, and it's not right either, but it happens all the time.
However, I think you need to talk to her about it, if she's a true friend, she'll understand where you're coming from.

In the meantime, be patient.
Go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say:
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Re: Feel abandoned by "best friend"

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Nov 07, 2012 1:51 pm

I think you should confront her and tell her she has made you feel really bad becasue of the way she has treated you.
If she is full of sorrow and actaully makes changes then you can forgive her but if she doesn't care then she isn't worth it.
Unless you tell her how you feel you aren't giving her the chance to sort it out.
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Re: Feel abandoned by "best friend"

Postby RagDoll » Thu Nov 08, 2012 4:34 pm

ShadowWoman wrote:I can't bare even thinking about her, never mind speak to her. What should I do? I really don't think I can speak to her about it, I feel so betrayed.


I totally sympathise and understand why you're a bit hurt and annoyed by this, but I can't help but feel that there is some underlying issue here - either with your friendship or with you. I think that whilst what's happened is annoying, your reaction is out of proportion, particularly the bit I have quoted above.

I think this will be a familiar tale to most people - unfortunately a lot of people do neglect friendships when they're in a relationship, particularly at first. Obviously it's not right, but it happens. I am sure once the honeymoon period is over, your friend will make more of an effort with you once more.

Do you feel so betrayed because, like you said, she is fundamentally a self centered person and this is just the straw that broke the camel's back? Or is there a part of you that is jealous because you feel the new man in her life has stolen her away? Or do you feel like you're the kind of person that often gives a lot of yourself (perhaps to various people in your life and at various times) but are often taken for granted?

I really hope you take this the right way, but I feel compelled to point out that you shouldn't give to receive - you're just setting yourself up for a fall. If you give a lot of yourself - your time, energy etc. you should do it because you want to, and not feel people should automatically do the same in return. Unfortunately everybody is different - please just take pleasure in the knowledge that you've obviously been a good friend and don't expect people to be indebted to you.
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Re: Feel abandoned by "best friend"

Postby ShadowWoman » Sun May 05, 2013 2:15 pm

Hello everyone! Thank you for your replies, I'm sorry it took so long for me to come back!

In the end, I just let her get on with it. I started a new job (one which isn't working out well, and I one don't get paid for) and I have a load more friends. I felt very childish posting the last post, and I felt a bit primary schoolish, but I had to get it out in the open.

RagDoll wrote:Do you feel so betrayed because, like you said, she is fundamentally a self centered person and this is just the straw that broke the camel's back? Or is there a part of you that is jealous because you feel the new man in her life has stolen her away? Or do you feel like you're the kind of person that often gives a lot of yourself (perhaps to various people in your life and at various times) but are often taken for granted?

I really hope you take this the right way, but I feel compelled to point out that you shouldn't give to receive - you're just setting yourself up for a fall. If you give a lot of yourself - your time, energy etc. you should do it because you want to, and not feel people should automatically do the same in return. Unfortunately everybody is different - please just take pleasure in the knowledge that you've obviously been a good friend and don't expect people to be indebted to you.


You make a very good point Ragdoll, and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. For example, this woman was supposed to be my daughter's godmother, but chose not to come to her christening because she didn't have enough money to get absolutely hammered. She's now back with her original fiancee, and back to ignoring me, and I'm ok with it. I suppose this is just a new part of our friendship, not seeing each other I mean. I've not seen her about a month and a half now, and she's told me she's jealous of the amount of time I spend with a mutual friend of ours, when she makes no effort with either of us even though we invite her along every time we do anything. I'm ok with it, let her carry on and when she realises what's going on, I'll be there for her like I always have.

Ragdoll, you're spot on when you say I give a lot of myself and get taken for granted. I'm constantly helping her out, pulling her out of trouble, lending her money, sorting her problems and finances out yet when I just need someone to talk to, she's too busy for me. Every time. I've learnt my lesson, and won't even try asking her for help anymore. I know you shouldn't give to receive, but I believe friendships are based on mutual effort, not one person leeching onto the other.

I don't know if any of that made sense, I am so full of cold!
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Re: Feel abandoned by "best friend"

Postby retrochav » Sun May 05, 2013 11:53 pm

It's good to hear outcomes, and even better when it's a fairly positive one.

It's true that friendships aren't just about giving and receiving, but about mutual assistance. When someone takes and never gives on any level, it becomes charity. Charity in its purist form is about alleviating distress with nothing asked in return. Charity is not the basis of any friendship or relationship. It's too unequal to be sustained.

If your "friend" is jealous about a you being around a mutual friend, leave her to it. Until she reflects on her part of loosening bonds then she has nothing to bring to the friendship anyway.

Should she create difficulty, tell her the reasons why (show her your post if needs be). It will likely cause argument, but if she wants the friendship to stand a chance then she needs to be aware of where it fell apart. That is the only charity to provide her with now.
whatever your problem someone else has been there and bears the scars.
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Re: Feel abandoned by "best friend"

Postby SarahWallis » Sun Sep 15, 2013 10:55 pm

I understand how difficult it is to lose a friend to a partner. But I think if you give her some space. I don't think you are being clingy but with you making the effort all the time it means that you still see her. She may not realize it is you initiating all the plans. So I would not ignore her as such but just let her do some of the running this time. She'll realise that she misses you and start organising plans with you! If not, she wasn't worth it. I've recently experienced something like this. It's hard to let go of a long term friendship but it saves so much hurt. Best of luck xoxo
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