Living arrangements

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Living arrangements

Postby rufio89 » Tue Aug 14, 2012 4:50 pm

Hello,

I just wanted to get a view different viewpoints on something, if possible.

I am currently living with a guy who needed a room when I had a room spare. He is a friend of one of my old housemates. He's a really lovely guy and I know he means well, but try as I might, I just dont really like him. He's messy and he's loud (not loud music or anything just generally loud in how he does things, he clatters...) and he just somehow seems to take up a lot of space. I'm really not happy living with him and I've started avoiding being at home and going straight to my room when I do. The situation is liveable for now, but it's not ideal and I dont see it improving.

We rent the flat and pay rent equally, but because I moved in there on my own several months before he moved in, I paid the whole deposit and all of the communal furniture (sofa, tv, shelves etc) are mine, as well as ALL of the kitchen stuff (right down to plates and cutlery). Because he's a joint tenant, I cant very well ask him to leave, but because everything in the flat is mine, if I leave, then he will effectively have to move too.

One of my close friends moved away at the beginning of the year, but announced a couple of months ago that he was moving back to Nottingham in November and he asked me if I, along with a mutual friend, would like to move in together when he gets back and the three of us agreed that this was a brilliant idea. However, over the past week or so, it's come to light that he actually is probably not going to move back to Nottingham after all, which scuppers my moving plans. I had been holding out with November in mind.

Today I've been talking to the OTHER guy we were going to live with and he suggested the two of us get a place together. We get on well and he's clean and tidy etc, but this is my concern and this is where I need to get other peoples opinions or not, I dont know if I'm being silly.

Ive known this guy since I was 16 and he was about 20. When we first met I had a HUGE crush on him but he sort of abused that, we dated a little bit and he basically duped me into sleeping with him. I was young and naive and utterly heartbroken and I didnt speak to him for a couple of years. However, after a couple of years I was 'forced' to speak to him at some social gatherings with the mutual friend and he came to me and apologised for how he treated me and that I didnt deserve it. I was over it by then, so I said not to worry about it and we've been friends ever since (about 5 years now) with no apparent residual feelings and no incident. I feel a bit silly even writing this because there are too many 'what if' factors in it, but I was just thinking - I'm single at the moment, but if I were to meet someone and it came up that I'd slept with my housemate, do you think this would cause problems? Is that something that my boyfriends (or his girlfriends) could legitimately get upset about?

Opinions are greatly appreciated.
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Re: Living arrangements

Postby RagDoll » Wed Aug 15, 2012 9:48 am

I personally don't think it's a great idea to live with this guy given your history.

I could just see it getting messy. I think it'd be easier to live with someone a bit more 'neutral' so to speak.

I also think it could cause tension if you did meet someone and had to tell them you've previously slept with your house mate. Some lads wouldn't be too bothered, others would. I guess it would be up to you whether you even decided to tell them, but if you wanted to be honest, it could definitely cause friction.
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Re: Living arrangements

Postby snail » Wed Aug 15, 2012 10:03 am

I agree actually. I think it has the potential to be awkward or messy, and also I do think boyfriends would be likely to be uncomfortable about your living with an ex, albeit from a few years ago. I wouldn't do it if you have a choice. Your current housemate doesn't sound that bad - don't jump into a worse situation just to get away from him.
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Re: Living arrangements

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Aug 15, 2012 2:39 pm

Have you tried talking to your housemate and telling him you find him a bit noisey?

It sounds to me like the best option would be for you to live on your own, is that something you could do if you moved into a smaller place?
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Re: Living arrangements

Postby rufio89 » Wed Aug 15, 2012 3:35 pm

Thank you for your replies all.

The history part of it as far as it goes between the two of us, I'm not concerned about at ALL. We had a few-week fling 7 years ago, and have been firm friends with no romantic confusion or anything for the last 5 years - we've even set each up with friends, there's certainly no romantic feeling on either side, I dont think it would get messy between the two of us. My only concern, as I said in the post, is if other parties are involved - girlfriends or boyfriends. I know I can get jealous quite easily when I have a boyfriend, but I've been single for a while and I'm struggling to put myself in the position of a girlfriend/boyfriend of one of us.

I dont have anyone more 'neutral' to live with, that's the problem. He's the only one of my friends that is looking for somewhere to live, and to be honest, one of the few of them that I think I could stand to live with. I absolutely do not want to live with someone I'm not friends with ever again, I've done it a number of times now, including this one, and it's not worked out for me on any of them. I've been so jealous of people living with their good friends lately, because I've never done that, and this is my opportunity.

I know my current housemate could be a lot worse, but I really just cant stand him. He makes my skin crawl just being near him, and even though it's not his fault, I just cant even stand being in the flat when he's home. I looked through my diary and I havent spent a single evening at home in the last 3 weeks because I've been avoiding him. I dont know what it is about him.

Belbel - I've tried talking to him, but the problem is, he's not being deliberately or even consciously noisy - as I said, he's not playing loud music or anything it's just the way he goes about things that is loud, and that's harder to control. Also, he's in a band and he's the singer and he's constantly singing and I really really hate the music and his singing voice so even if he's quiet, it's seriously like nails down a blackboard for me.

I cant really afford to live on my own, that's the reason I got a housemate in the first place - I also really like the idea at the moment of living with people I actually care about.

I know I sound utterly ridiculous and unreasonable, but I think I'm just feeling a bit stroppy about the situation.


Do people think it would be something that would cause problems within other relationships though - if I met someone I would be upfront about the situation. He's certainly not a threat to them so they'd have no reason to be jealous, but I understand that that is not how jealousy works... arrghhh :(
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Re: Living arrangements

Postby mattmxl » Wed Aug 15, 2012 4:12 pm

That comes down to the guy you'd be dating I think. We were all young once (with a few possible exceptions) and we're all wiser now (with possibly a few more exceptions!)

You meet a guy who's insecure, it will play on his mind 24/7. Reassurances of no romantic intent on either side will not allay fears as you cannot speak for the housemate, only give your side, even if your assertions about the housemate are true. If his head starts spinning, it'll be along the lines of "we've had a fight and she's there with him" kinda thing. That or "he'll be trying it on when I'm not there" kinda thing.

Get a guy who's comfortable and secure, you have no problems. If he's with you and he knows you're seriously into the relationship, he'll know any advances the guy makes will be knocked back, if he makes any advances at all, which is unlikey given the description. The unfortunate thing here is it's very hard to convince an insecure guy enough to make him secure.

This is only your problem indirectly. If the guy you happen to like is insecure, well, its potentially problematic, otherwise it's easily understandable that what occurred did so a long time ago.
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Re: Living arrangements

Postby Bel Bel » Wed Aug 15, 2012 4:25 pm

I agree with mattmxl but would also add you aren't in a relatiosnhip right now so why do something for "mr nobody"
When you do meet them you will already be living with the guy and if you mention the past it's up to them to decide if they can handle it.
I think I would play it down a bit though, you said you felt taken advantage of, that's the bit some guys might not be able to handle rather than the fact you have had a fling with him.
You seem very sure that all is good with you both now and you think he is more compatible than the current guy so why not try. Don't commit for too long so if it dooesn't work out initially you can move on from the situation sooner rather than later.
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Re: Living arrangements

Postby rufio89 » Thu Aug 16, 2012 10:50 am

Bel Bel wrote:I agree with mattmxl but would also add you aren't in a relatiosnhip right now so why do something for "mr nobody"


This is quite true and I'm not in a rush to find anyone either, I'm quite happy on my own at the moment. Maybe I ought to just stop worrying so much! I dont think I'd want to be with someone who was jealous of something that happened 7 years ago anyway!

Bel Bel wrote:Don't commit for too long so if it dooesn't work out initially you can move on from the situation sooner rather than later.


I would WANT to do this but most places have either a 6 month or 12 month minimum period. I'd go for a 6 month one wherever possible anyway, because even if me and this guy are the best housemates ever, you can never guarantee that the house wont be too loud/cold/awkward neighbours etc


Thank you for all your replies guys. I'm goint to meet up with him at the weekend and talk about any concerns either of us have. I spoke to a mutual friend and she said he'd expressed similar concerns to me, so it'll be good for us to sit down and have a proper chat.
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