Having to choose sides

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Just Landed
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Having to choose sides

Post by speckledblonde » Sat Aug 11, 2012 1:48 am

I'm not looking for solutions cos the only solution is talk to the people involved, but this would just cause more turmoil and it's more trouble than it's worth. I just need a bit of a rant and to get my thoughts down.

A number of years ago, a very old and good friend of mine met a girl, and I became friends with her, like you do. Their relationship has been a VERY complicated one, and for a lot of it I have been stuck in the middle because I was friends with them both. I hold my hands up, there were situations I could have dealt with better, and I've learnt from them, and the last few years I've not asked either of them about each other and kept out of it, and that's worked very well.

Things seem to be finally over between them now, and through it all she has actually become one of my closest friends, and I even actually work with her now. He's been seeing more of another friend of mine recently, who he used to be in a relationship with when we were all very young, but are now good friends. Because of him, these two girls have never really got on. Recently they have been making more of an effort with each other, but they will never be good friends, which is fine. Some people just aren't meant to get along.

But the girl who is spending some time with him at the moment, said some things tonight which made me question his thoughts about my friendship with his recent ex. He's said things before to my OH that were ridiculous, like why am I friends with her and our friendship won't last etc. But I just brushed it off and didn't think much of it. But now I think he thinks that I've 'chosen' her over him. I asked my friend via text after I'd thought about it, and she ignored that part of my text and just replied to the other stuff I wrote, which confirms what I'm thinking.

To be honest, I think his behaviour towards his ex over the last few years has been appalling, and recently he's tried to manipulate us/me into being his pawn to try and win her back. So I wouldn't care so much, but I've known him literally for forever, and I do care for him very much, and it really hurts that he might be thinking I've chosen her over him. But I'm not going to dump my friend and choose sides, we're not kids anymore, it's ridiculous. I'm allowed to be friends with who I want. It might be okay for my other friend to do that as they were never really friends in the first place, but I refuse to do it, she's done nothing to me and it would be wrong. Also, as I mentioned I work with her so it would be impossible, but that's besides the point because I wouldn't do it anyway.

I'm also worried that this will effect my friendship with my other friend. It's already really awkward as we are careful about what we say to each other. Stuff he's said to her she won't tell me, and stuff I know about his ex I can't tell her, so this isn't going to make things easy. And I wonder what she thinks of me, does she agree with him? And I have to continue to segregate my time with them now, which I hate doing cos they end up saying things about the other one and I never know what to do or say. It makes me just want to not bother with anyone to be honest. It's all very childish and ridiculous.

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Bel Bel
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Re: Having to choose sides

Post by Bel Bel » Mon Aug 13, 2012 11:53 am

You can't spend your life worrying about what other people think

I think time will tell if you can maintain a relationship with the mutual friend and with your friend who split with the ex

Just treat them both as you always have and yes unfortunately that may mean being discreet with certain information
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