Help - He's really ill,

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Help - He's really ill,

Postby rufio89 » Fri May 29, 2009 8:54 am

My friend is really ill and I dont know what to do.

Background: His Mum died last year, he then lost his job, and his long-term girlfriend (who he was living with), split up with him and kicked him out of their house. He's now living in a horrible house in pretty much the worst area in Nottingham, but he's not been working, and he's not paid his rent for 2 months, so his landlord has been knocking on the door.

He's suffering from very severe panic attacks, to the point where he cant leave the house, and he's completely run out of money so his phones been cut off, and he's run out of food. I've been going round every few days, and taking him food and stuff, but I dont have much money myself and I cant afford to keep doing this.

He's started saying that it's all hopeless, and that he's going to kill himself. This is clearly him crying for help, and usually when people say things like that I lose interest and think they're whining, but I really do think he might. I just dont know what to do, I've called his GP, but they wont send someone round as he doesnt live close enough anymore, and I just cant get him to leave the house.

I've tried to put him in touch with various Mental Health, Debt and Housing charities, but he's got himself into such a state that he cant call them or go there, and they just wont take me seriously when I try to talk them.

I really just dont know what to do, I'm terrified, I really think I'm going to lose him.

Help :(
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri May 29, 2009 9:10 am

rufio89 wrote:I've tried to put him in touch with various Mental Health, Debt and Housing charities, but he's got himself into such a state that he cant call them or go there, and they just wont take me seriously when I try to talk them


If he won't do anything about it then there is nothing you can do. He needs to help himself. You could enquire at citizens advice?

rufio89 wrote:I've called his GP, but they wont send someone round as he doesnt live close enough anymore, and I just cant get him to leave the house.


Would a suggestion of a taxi there be worthwhile, whilst he'll be out the house he's only effectively going in a car and going door to door. You could offer to go to the doctors with him and "buy" him his dinner somewhere as a bribe to go.

It's also not your responsibility to take him food around; it's his famliy, himself. I'm sure he could try and apply for a job in a supermarket; even a couple of days a week - it's got to be way better than sitting at home doing nothing.

He could also apply for "temporary housing benefits" or to the council for a house - he can claim that he's going to be homeless - you can't do it for him. He needs to get up and do something for himself.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby rufio89 » Fri May 29, 2009 9:16 am

He doesnt have any family, and he's honestly not capable of working. He's pretty much starving himself, he's too far gone, I think he needs to go into hospital.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri May 29, 2009 9:18 am

Could you go to his GP or speak to his GP on the phone and explain how worried you are about him? I know you have asked them to come and see him, but explain everything that is going on and they might take you more seriously.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby earthchild » Fri May 29, 2009 9:18 am

Hey Rufio,

When my bf was going through his breakdown there was a team called 'The Crisis Team' that were absolute superstars, they came to our flat once a week for about an hour and talked things through with my bf and informed him of benefits that were available.
I think this sounds like the sort of help your friend needs, however im not sure how you would go about getting them for your friend as my bf got them through the mental health hospital he was attending and they referred him to this team.

dipsydoodlenoodle wrote:Would a suggestion of a taxi there be worthwhile

i think this maybe a good option.
what i also did was write a letter to my bf's doctor detailing and explaining my bf's state, could you write to his doctors ?

i hope you'll be ok, i know how distressing it is to see someone in such a state.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby earthchild » Fri May 29, 2009 9:21 am

i just had a thought, maybe you could ring the samaritans team and asked for their advice on how you can get help to go to your friend as he seems incapable of leaving the house?
im sure they've heard of lots of cases like this and hopefully they can point you in the right direction.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Fri May 29, 2009 9:37 am

earthchild wrote:i just had a thought, maybe you could ring the samaritans team


Now earthchild has mentioned it, it seems the obvious solution. There is no harm in calling them anyway.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby RagDoll » Fri May 29, 2009 10:41 am

Earthchild's suggestions sound good. I also wondered if there's anyone at the Council you could get in touch with? You certainly could about his housing situation, but you may also be able to speak to someone about his mental state.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby snail » Fri May 29, 2009 3:58 pm

Have you tried phoning NHS direct and asking what you can do? State that he is a definite danger to himself or others (I know he's not a danger to others, it's just that that's the criterion for needing urgent help). Effectively it's the mental health equivalent of you calling to report someone seriously physically ill, so they should respond - they'd send an ambulance if you said he was having a heart attack, wouldn't they. He needs a psychiatric nurse sent round at the very least.

EDIT: This might result in him being sectioned, but that might be what he needs right now.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby rufio89 » Fri May 29, 2009 4:03 pm

I called NHS direct earlier, but I dont know his address, Ive been to his house a bunch of times, but I dont even know his street name, I just know the look of the area. NHS direct said to just go round and try to persuade him out of the house, or try to persuade him to call them himself
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby Bel Bel » Fri May 29, 2009 4:07 pm

go to his street and find out the address
don't let that stop you getting him help
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Jun 01, 2009 9:40 am

Bel Bel wrote:go to his street and find out the address
don't let that stop you getting him help


You can always look on google earth or google street view if it's in your area to find out his address.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby rufio89 » Mon Jun 01, 2009 9:46 am

I spoke to him and his friend at the weekend and I persuaded him to go to the hospital, so he's been put in contact with a psychologist, had a psychiatric evaluation and given some anti-depressesants and sedatives, so hopefully that will help at least in the short term so he can sort things out a bit.

I'm really relieved :)
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby dipsydoodlenoodle » Mon Jun 01, 2009 10:28 am

rufio89 wrote:I'm really relieved :)


Good. Glad he went to the hospital; maybe another friend being worried spurred him on as well, rather that just one person being worried, but two people being worried may have been the kick up the butt he needed.
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Re: Help - He's really ill,

Postby rufio89 » Tue Jul 29, 2014 3:52 pm

You might have noticed I'm reading through my old posts...

This was a tough one to find. I wanted to pick up on it because I think I actually have some experience I can share, and if it helps anyone else or anyone wants to talk to me about it, that's fine.

So, from there he got help for a little while and with the support from the group, admitted he had a drinking problem and voluntarily checked into a rehab facility. While he was in rehab he made close friends with a guy who was seeking treatment for a crystal meth addiction, they both checked themselves out of the facility and basically lived together in some kind of horrible squat for a while, where my friend got hooked on meth, lost all his money the few friends he had left, and ended up on the streets.

I eventually lost contact with him because I didnt want to give him money to fund his drug habit, and that's all he wanted from anyone, he didnt have a phone anymore (because he sold it for drugs money), and there was no way to keep in touch with him. I'd see him around every now and again, living on the streets in the city centre and the first few times I bought him food and a coffee, but eventually he became so persistently after money, that I stopped even doing that and just kept giving him the same contact details for the homeless shelter.

About a year after I last saw him I had a call from a mutual friend saying his body had been found just outside the city. He'd died of cirrhosis of the liver, he was 27.

The reason I'm posting this is because this was about 2/3 years ago now and although Im not friends with that group of people anymore, I know I'm not alone in struggling to come to terms with it. The overwhelming guilt of not helping him in time and giving up on him was overwhelming for a while and it took a long time to get through it. Anyone in a similar position needs to remember the following:

1) there's only so much you can do. By all means encourage them to get help and support them where you can, but only they can help themselves. If they dont WANT to get better or get clean, they wont, and there's no way you can force them to do it.
2) Don't take it personally. Addiction is powerful and consuming and if they are lying and manipulative or horrible, it's not a personal attack. It's the drug, or alcohol talking and they're too far gone to know any better
3) If they dont make it, or they go too far, dont assign blame. It's not their fault they ended up that way, happy people tend not to turn into drug addicts, but it's also not your fault they're that way
4) Someone elses happiness is never your responsibility. Someone else's life is never your responsibility. If you've offered help and support, that's all you can do, and no matter how painful it is to walk away, that's all you can do. You cant help them, but you can help yourself.
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